nursery progress . . .

the cribs are up and the nursery is about 50% complete. mattresses have even been shipped! 

it's official.  we are entering our last trimester and the arrival of these two miracles is fast approaching. i can hardly believe it to be honest. 

i think i resisted putting together their nursery (or even buying cribs for that matter) because i felt like i was gonna 'jinx' us.  i know it sounds silly and even ridiculous.  but the reality i have to believe for every pregnant woman is that you're never really 100% at peace, until you hold that baby (or babies) in your arms.  and when you add a loss, or losses, miscarriage, infertility, whatever one's past road has been, it sometimes gets the better part of your mind and you find yourself having to stay present and grateful.  you have to force the gift to sink in: the gift of each day given in a healthy pregnancy.  

I am still learning that.  but my hope is on fire and i am randomly wondering into their room and picturing myself picking them up from their crib with their sleepy, swollen faces and kissing their plump cheeks, smelling their baby smells and holding them to my heart. 

 thank you, God, for the gift of them in my womb.  

 ... and for the dreams of tomorrow with them.  

each day, i am believing a little more. . . 

left to do is: 

** purchase a rocking chair/recliner that both the mr. and i can comfortably enjoy 

** finish painting/staining their dresser 

** hang the wall art/photos

** organize their shelves/closets/dresser drawers

** enjoy the room before their arrival! 

><>

for today . . .

i am loving learning to be still. i am loving learning to wait (yes, this contradicts itself to a year ago, but we grow, right?!). I am loving learning to be extremely present and take in the beauty, the moments of grace, the gift of quiet.

and when i stumbled upon this site, i knew i had to immediately link up.  it encourages all of the above, and then to write it down.  because don't ya think there is something to that?  to the writing down?  once it's written down, there is something that happens to your brain that allows it to soak in.

nourish your brain.  and your soul. and breathe in the moment.

and then life is filled with a beauty and peace that is so captivating, you want to revisit it time and time
and time again.

i think i will do this again. and again.

especially when i become a mama.

because that is a bit of my fear: that being a mama will absorb every single second of my day.  and even though i'm eagerly waiting for it; i may not force myself to stop and breathe it in.

i want to breathe in life and all that is happening around me.

because that is where the beauty lies.  the truth is revealed.  the peace pursues you.  and all is made well with your soul again.

it's that feeling.   and the feeling is so, so intoxicating.
i just love it.

so here i go, first step at journaling it; and many more to come . . .

outside my window...

grey skies. green grass. wet pavement. 

i am thinking...

of cool fall nights and autumn leaves. and everything we are anticipating happening this Fall.  

i am thankful...

for the lives growing inside of me. for a growing belly. for the journey leading up to these days. 

in the kitchen...

getting ready to head there. and make my homemade chicken salad for dinner with a dear family tonight.  

i am wearing...

one of the few items left that fit me. pajama bottoms and a comfy, over-sized grey long sleeved shirt.

i am creating...

a "please wash your hands" sign for our bathroom re-design and a "please take off your shoes" for our front entrance.

i am going...

to take my time today.  this weekend was busy.  and i am tired. 

i am wondering...
how to be more creative in my writing pursuit and how to be more disciplined in blogging.  because i'm really enjoying it.

i am reading...

everything baby.  breastfeeding. sleeping schedules. magazines. articles. & anything else that comes our way.

i am hoping...

that my anxieties disappear soon. i don't speak of them often, but i do internalize many a fears. 

i am looking forward to...

buying our cribs in the next couple of weeks & organizing the nursery. i am addicted to organizing. 

i am learning around the house...

that the to-do list is never ending.  to do what i can. and to let the rest go. 

i am pondering...

why my garden doesn't do well every year. maybe my 'green thumb' never really existed. :(

a favorite quote for today...
"There are far far better things ahead, than any we leave behind."  -C.S. Lewis 

one of my favorite things...

mornings like today. Eve, Ivy & Harley all snuggling with me in bed while I write. Lamp lit and blankets all around.

a few plans for the rest of the week...

paint second coat of nursery walls. meeting my friend's baby for the first time! car shopping. yoga. first neighborhood block party. 

and finally,

a peek into my day...

 :: painting second coat onto nursery walls ::

:: a lazy and beautiful morning of writing, reading & enjoying the quiet :: 

you should try it!
go for it . . . 

"It is not happy people who are thankful. 

 It is thankful people who are happy." 

-unknown

"shower by mail"

my handsome mr. came inside from gathering the mail yesterday and had a large brown box in his hands.   my first assumption was that it was from his work, as his office is in our basement and he receives daily packages/shipments/misc stuff.

he proceeded to come closer to me, set it on the counter and say, "this is for you, from ....."  which was a distant family-friend from my childhood who lives in minnesota.   my heart skipped a little beat and i was eagerly excited to open this big brown box (who doesn't love receiving boxes in the mail with surprises?).

on the top of the tissue lay a yellow card with my name on it and as i proceeded to open it, i could feel this warm wave of emotions run through me and my eyes fill with tears.  i then opened the card and got no further than the right bottom of the inside card filled with a list of four very special women's names, and the flood gates opened.  so much so, i couldn't even finish reading their individual words to me as my eyes were pouring out liquid drops.  thick, cloudy, heavy drops.

"alan, these are ladies i didn't even invite to my upcoming shower, so they didn't even know our needs," i stated.   he listened as i explained who each of them were (him having only met one of them, my Godmother, who attended our wedding) as i reminisced about their imprints they made in my younger life years.

he then asked quietly, "how did they know we were even pregnant?"

yes, it's that social media we call, "facebook."  i am 'friends' with my Godfather who must have told his wife who told the rest of the ladies.

and then i started crying some more.

alan sat there and watched me, a small smile on his face and stated, "babe, you're okay, this is a generous gift from some special women in your life."  I smiled and said back, "i know babe, i know. i'm just overwhelmed with the generous hearts of four women who i haven't seen in years."

You see, these women gathered together and sent what they called a "shower by mail" filled with gifts for our two miracle twins.  Fun, bright, neutral colors and gifts of fuzzy blankets, soft crib sheets, squishy wrist rattles, cozy sleepers, sweet bath towels and much more.

but the thing that got me, was not even the generosity of the gifts they sent, but the reasons behind why they sent this package.

the love they are already sending towards our unborn children.
the love they are sending to a family (me & alan) they haven't made eye contact with in probably over ten years.
the time it took for them to shop, wrap, write and ship this package.

but most of all, the tugging that their hearts must have felt towards our little family that led them to do so, by an awesome God.

i think it may have taken me 30 minutes to open this box because i had to keep stopping to wipe away the tears that flowed from my face.

and i know it may have been slightly due to my hormonal and pregnant state.  but in all reality, i know genuinely, it was more from my heart's gratitude towards women who have such a special place in my memory and my heart from my childhood.   a place filled with a whole family where my mom and brother still walk this earth.  a place where i ran recklessly and carelessly through life, loving the days and hours we spent with them.   a place that can only bring a warm smile to my mind's eye and my soul's longing.

i am still in such awe at this blessing.  i am in awe because there is such a part of me that is struggling with how much God is blessing myself and this family. i am humbled because i know my sinful self does not deserve this magnitude of gifts.

...but...

i am learning to receive each one with an open heart and one filled with complete amazement.

and some laughter.

why laughter?

because when the tears flow, they flow freely and recklessly.  and my handsome mr. just smiles and puts his arms around me...
and giggles.

and yesterday, as i finished opening up the package with him and looked at even his face filled with disbelief and thankfulness, he smiled and said, "you aren't gonna make it through your shower ya know."  


"I know," I said.  "I'm doomed." 


his response,   "maybe you shouldn't wear any eye makeup."

Gosh I love him.

><>

friday mini letters

dear me:
don't take a picture looking directly into the sun. for real. even with sunglasses on, everyone can still see your eyes closed.

dear mr:
i love you more everyday. thank you for telling me i'm beautiful and talking about these babies every hour with me. i am so excited to watch them fall in love with their daddy.

dear snow:
i miss you.  seriously.  see above in background.  come visit more this year, will ya? and maybe soon?

dear summer:
i've tried.  and tried. and tried to embrace you. but you've been hard on our brown grass, not allowed our veggies to grow and made us stay inside all of the time.  maybe drop the temp 10 degrees, will ya? i easily forgive. :)

dear main bathroom:
you are almost done! new paint. new painted vanity. new accessories. minimal dollars.  the babies are gonna love you!

dear nursery:
i am getting to you soon! painting will be done next week.  then we buy your cribs.  we can't wait! it'll be like Christmas in August!!!

dear animals:
i love each of you so much. and for real believe we have the coolest ones on this planet. thanks for being your special selves and I VOW to make sure you're paid attention to just as much when the wee-ones arrive.

dear belly:
i have officially embraced you. and don't care that it has now become a daily occurrence for someone to say, "wow, when are you due?" "are you sure there are only two in there?!"  seriously. i love what you are doing for our sweet and long awaited miracles.  keep growin!

dear sleep:
i never really cherished you before.  i am sorry for that.  if you want to visit a couple times before november, i will document you in my journal and hold you dear to my heart. promise.

dear style:
what little of you i had, i've lost again! wanna visit soon? and maybe with some green cash so i can update you? oh yeah, can you come and dress up a large balloon? that'd be swell.

dear mr:
what can i say, i smile thinking of how special you've made me feel these past few months. can you believe that we're gonna have 2 new family members one day soon?! they are gonna love you....but probably never more than I.  just sayin'

><>

my first pregnancy list

since i'm trying to get more disciplined about writing down my pregnancy feelings, daily musings and everything in between, i figured i'd better write about what it's been like being pregnant.

my honest feelings.  and a few of my favorite things.  i know that it may seem silly now, but i am convinced one day i will genuinely cherish that i did this.

belly oil :: i use this stuff religiously.  like right after i shower.  and right before i go to bed. and they even have a line that has a mild fragrance for an aroma therapy feeling.  i bought all three and have fallen the most in love with the CALM, lavender pear.  i tend to use that one at night when my tummy is tight and i'm feeling a little off.  it works like a charm, and (knock on wood) no stretch marks thus far.

yoga :: i started a prenatal yoga class a few weeks ago at a YMCA near our home and have loved it! it only meets once a week, but i am bound and determined to find a good dvd to do daily because of how good i feel after i stretch for those 60 minutes.  i tell ya, i have always appreciated stretching...but with an abnormally large belly, a tight lower back and muscles that ache in places i never really paid attention to before, stretching for a lengthy period of time makes me feel free-flowing and amazing.


Chiropractor :: i never really visited a chiropractor before. and i wish i wouldn't have waited so long. i've always struggled a little with sciatic nerve pain and at times it has become very limiting in allowing me to walk/run/exercise when i want to.  Well, my first trimester i have to say besides being tired, the only "issue" or "symptoms" i had were increasing sciatic pain.  it was so bad, that i would cry almost daily and not be able to move far from the couch or walk anywhere in my house. so i prayed and talked with people and had a couple friends encourage me to see a chiropractor. I took their advice, and here i am 5 1/2 months in and i've never felt this good before.  in fact, i go for two and three walks a day, plus do yoga, plus stuff around the house and it doesn't even flare up! I have decided after more research and my own experience, i will continue seeing my chiro once a week throughout my whole pregnancy to keep my lower back aligned and my pregnancy as healthy in a natural way as possible. Cheers to chiros!!


Quiet Time :: i've always enjoyed reading, but have tried to do so more often during these past few months.  i figured, now's the time, right? once these little ones come, my free time will be limited and i'll be using every "extra" time i have to probably catch up on sleep (or housework).  for fun, i finished the 50 shades trilogy in almost less than a week. holy moly. i loved every book. now i just need to find another fun, brainless read. :)   i am, however, also a huge believer in reading for knowledge. i feel like the more personal research and information i gather, the more options i have in my 'life bucket' to pull from when the time is needed.  and don't all parents say, "what works for some, doesn't work for everyone, so find what works for YOU and YOUR family?"  well, that's my plan.  so i'm reading everything from vaccine info, to sleeping routine suggestions, to parenting magazines, and of course the  nursery decor inspiration (gotta throw a little eye candy in there). ;) it's been wonderful talking through all this info with the hubs and we've had some amazing discussions surrounding how we want to parent and our dreams for our babies. *now i'm just looking for twin inspiration.

Sleep :: one of the many things moms and others tell "moms-to-be" is make sure to listen to your body. so going into this pregnancy, i decided to do just that.  well, for most things, i didn't really have a choice.  take sleep for example.  never have I, in all my years on this earth, been a napper.  seriously. don't like them. hate sleeping during the day. don't believe in them for anyone like myself.  until i became pregnant and couldn't make it through the lunch hour without having to lay down on the couch (or our bed) and let myself rest.  i would, no joke, sleep for 3 1/2 hours straight and wake up even more tired. it was hard for me to 'accept' and get used to, but i did what i was told and listened to my body, and allowed myself to sleep when needed.  i am growing two humans, right?


Cravings :: this was another strange adjustment for me. i love, love, LOVE sugar. candy. and anything sweet.  i needed it daily and often called myself a sugar addict.  until a few months ago.  i actually can't eat sweets.  or more than a bite or two of dessert.  it just is too sweet.  even the hubs has done double takes and been like, "wow, these babies are really changing your taste buds!"  *insert singing voice* awesome!!!!!!!  yep, i am a lucky gal.  the only cravings i've had are apples.  and when i want an apple, i want it now.  and maybe a second one.  or third.  like, if i don't get it or have one in my fridge, i'm gonna die.
i feel ridiculously spoiled.


Emotions :: i am a ball of them. i cry over happy stuff. i stress out over making everyone happy. i worry about my animals liking their life. i am ridiculously carefree one day, not caring about the small stuff.  and then the next, i feel like my house is in shambles and just blew up before my eyes.  you get the idea.   i have cried because i've been all of the above.  but mostly i have just laughed.  i always say, "i'm losin' it," and then shake my head.  the one thing i am consistently and most importantly feeling is an obscene amount of hope.  hope for a future filled with (trials yes) joy and anticipation, growth and love.  a future where i can say hello and not goodbye.  a future where i will watch my little miracles become people and find out more about who they are each and every day.  i am so hopeful in their lives and what God will do with them. What His plan is for them.  it's insane to think about how He has their purpose already planned and He's knitting them together, cell by cell, in my warm and dark womb. it, in all honesty, takes my breath away.  and i tear up.  and i'm filled with a gratitude like i've never known before.  to Him.  for choosing me.  and the mr.  to become their mom and dad during our lives on this earth.  thank you Jesus.  thank you.  thank you.  thank you.

><>

first letter to the babies

i've seen and stumbled upon so many letters that moms write to their babies when they're pregnant and for so many years i would read these and smile.  and then i would go into a tail spin of tears.  i wanted that love feeling so bad. i wanted that baby so bad. i wanted that tummy so so bad.

and then God decided, in His perfect timing (yes, i am aware it is much easier to say in hindsight) that He would bless us with not one, but two little miracles.

so here i am, sitting here this morning on this cloudy and rainy day and all i can think about is becoming a momma.  and these little angels.  and how much i can't wait to meet them . . .
. . . and talk to them.

so i figured i would give it a shot and write them their first letter. i still have some of the letters my mom wrote to me before she died, and let me tell you something: i cherish them. i read them, and re-read them.  i hold them by my heart when i am missing her.  and i am so very thankful she wrote down her words for me to have forever.

one day, i hope these two will cherish my words like i cherish my mom's.  and maybe it'll show them a little more about me. and how deeply and unconditionally and insanely . . . they are already loved.

* * * * * *

good morning my little angel babies!

did you know that since i saw you for the first time, alive, well, kicking and moving around last week, i wake up every single morning and smile thinking about you?

it's true. i do.

and i think, wow, we're one day closer to your arrival into this great big world and our teeny tiny, blessed home.

you are already bringing such feelings of joy and hope and excitement to your dad and i. we talk about you everyday. your dad kisses my belly and says, 'good morning babies!' and then rubs your little souls with his gentle hand.

and then he picks some music for the morning to play on his radio for you to listen to (i really hope at least one of you falls in love with music! because your daddy will be so ecstatic to share that special bond, i think he might even do a cartwheel).

i've tried to keep myself busy throughout the day finishing projects around the house (we had our first ever garage sale last weekend, are cleaning the basement, re-decorating the main bathroom [Your bathroom], eventually will do your room and a couple tid bits of things here and there).  i think keeping myself busy preparing our home for your arrival lets me think that i'll worry less about the home and more about spending every single second admiring you two.

at least that is what i hope.

because you'll soon learn something about your momma that is one of my strengths...but definitely one of my weaknesses too: i am an organized, neat freak.

*gasp*

but don't worry, my priorities are straight and when you arrive...you will become my morning, noon and night and we will enjoy our minutes and hours together.  and one day, i hope you'll turn up the music that you've grown (or been born loving) to love and we'll dance our way around the house, dusting, vacuuming, cleaning and organizing....and you'll begin to appreciate how very much it helps our home run smoothly. ;)

you are 20 weeks littles ones.  and even though the doctors are pushing you to stay put in that little space in my tummy until 36 weeks, they also tell us to, "be ready (meaning bags packed, cribs up, etc) at 28 weeks and on.  I know!  that is a difference between meeting you two months from now . . .
. . . or four months from now.

and as much as i'd love to meet you in 8 short weeks (time flies little ones), i am hoping for your sweet selves that your guardian angels keep you tucked and cozy in there for at least four.

i want you healthy!  and ready to come home as soon as you can.

so i promise to keep walking and staying healthy.
i promise to keep rubbing oil on my belly to absorb so it can stretch as far as it needs to for your comfort.
i promise to eat less sugar and more fruit, nutritious meals and drink gobs and gobs of water.
i promise to try to conquer these hormones and keep my heart beating regularly for your peace of mind.

i promise to do everything in my power to assist in yours. but most importantly, i promise to pray each and every day for you.  for thanksgiving and gratitude for your lives. for your safe keeping and well being.  for your current and future days.

i am filled with a love for you that i only hope will shine through when we meet. because if you can hear my heartbeat now little ones, i hope that sound stays with you forever and ever.  because it will only get louder and more consistent.  and those pulses already . . . beat for you both.  harder and softer and louder than they ever have before.  

xo