anyway, to keep writing on each of the topics, here's day 12 :: i miss . . .
these two:
my brother and mom.
every single day. my brother would have been the best uncle in the whole world and my mom the best grandmother. i wish on a star they could be here to play, snuggle, talk, encourage, cheer-on and watch my two beauties grow.
but you know what i also miss? i miss the innocence and the ease of childhood. i miss the days that were always too long, because recently, i just wish i could add hours to the days. i miss the days where my biggest worries at night were whether i would be invited to the popular birthday party at school. because my most recent worries are horrific and terrifying and involve losing these little miracles, my hubs, my animals, and any tragic event that happens on television: could that happen to me?
i hate that i'm like this. and i know i'll continue to work on not living in fear. but it's true. i miss the days when the two of them were alive and my life was play dates, after school snacks, too long of days, tiny nightmares and whether my brothers and i would be forced to play monopoly the next day instead of watching tv.
*************
day 13: issue a public apology
dear mom,
you always taught me never to say 'hate.' It was too strong of a word and could really hurt someone you would say. well, remember that time, the only time, when i was young and emotional, hormonal and dramatic? it was about a year before you died and you made me get off the phone, and grounded me for something else. basically we had a bad day all together, and i was, probably very deserving of it, getting into quite a bit of trouble. well, yeah, i yelled down the hall at you right before i slammed my bedroom door and i told you i hated you. remember that?
i'm so sorry mom. i'm so sorry for the harsh words. i didn't mean them and i wish so badly i could take them back. no excuses, no butts, no extra angry words, no trying to get out of it...just a simple, i am deeply, genuinely, utterly sorry.
i'm so sorry for hurting you mom.
love,
jaclyn
************
and finally, day 14:: 10 things that make me really happy!
1.) my daughters, Svea & Maelyn. their giggles, their cries, their constantly moving feet, their smiles. their eyes. their little fingers and toes and ears. their sweet noses. their observing and taking in every single thing around them. i haven't felt this much joy since i was 12. i am living my dream.
2.) my dogs, Eve & Ivy. eve - my soul mate. my bestest friend. my loyal companion, strong willed and tenacious girl. she keeps me going every day. Ivy, my snuggler, my lover, my sweet and ridiculously smart lady. my walking buddy. she teaches and re-teaches me about unconditional love day in and day out.
ivy
eve
3.) iced chais. i used to drink the ones from Starbucks: iced grande, seven-pump, non-fat, easy ice chai please. yikes. and then i got gestational diabetes when i was pregnant. and then the babies didn't like dairy when i was nursing. so i found this organic & natural chai and combined it with almond milk. just a 50/50 ratio in my cup filled with ice; top it with a little cinnamon and this girl is a happy camper. the babies don't seem to mind it. and i am smiling after my first sip. yes, i'm being serious.
4.) exercise. i wish i didn't love it. and i wish i didn't need it. but i do. and i love even more, how i feel after it. whether it's a stroll, a brisk walk, a run, yoga, or an exercise class -- my brain is on a high when i am done and i can't live without it. period. it makes me a better person.
5.) my cats, Willow, Patience & Harley. i love, Love, LOVE my cats. i wish cats in general had a better reputation, cuz they rock. come meet them someday, you'll fall in love, i promise. and to be honest, i should say i am obsessed with animals in general. i could go on and on about this one. but i'll save you the weepiness. let's just say: i typically like animals more than humans (though mommy-hood is giving me a more compassionate heart towards humans) and i will fight to the death to protect animals of all shapes and sizes. i wish humans weren't invading their land. and i hope to give millions to organizations out to save them & their natural habitat one day. i dream big for them, and i won't ever stop.
patience
willow (left) & harley (right)
6.) good music playing in the background while yummy candles are burning. unless it's 80 degrees outside, then skip the candles.
7.) green grass, blue skies, bright flowers, crystal water & white waves.
8.) new cookbooks, kitchen appliances, dishes and anything that makes my kitchen cheery & bright.
9.) cute postage stamps, hand written cards, letters and notes. i love writing them, but i also love opening my mailbox and getting them too. :)
10.) soft, fuzzy, baby-worthy big people blankets. squishy, velvety and warm blankets.
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Just sayin'