and now i feel it . . .

see my toes? yep, and that big round blob? -- yeah, that's my 5 month baby belly.  can you believe it?! giant i know.  and it's official where i can say with sincerity that i am embracing and loving every single minute of how large it is growing. 

because as much as i hate to admit this, a couple months ago, i was struggling. 

struggling with my self image.

struggling with the idea that my body was getting ginormous. 

struggling with the feeling of feeling 'fat' when all i was doing was growing humans. 

two humans that is. 

i would catch my belly out of the corner of my eye when i would be laying on the couch and say to myself, "wow jac, you've really let yourself go."  and then I'd have to remind myself, wait, you're pregnant lady! and with twins!!!  for some reason, it never really sunk in. 

if you would have asked me a year ago, i would have almost cried when i heard other pregnant women complain about their struggles with their changing bodies.  i would have said very quickly, "i would give anything to be in your shoes right now!"  and i would have meant it. 

so when i started to struggle with the concept that strangers would stop me and ask me, "oh gosh, are you almost due?"  or "wow, you're as big as i got with both my kids and you have a whole trimester left!"  and so on, i felt this overwhelming guilt. 

a guilt that would wash over me with the idea that i was struggling with my growing body.  but for some reason, every time i would think about why i was struggling with my growing belly, it was never genuinely out of vanity or my fear of losing my figure.  it was never, now all my cute clothes don't fit. nope, it was never those. 

so what was it?! 

i think i've officially figured it out. 

and only because i turned a corner last thursday.  

a corner when i saw this: 

and then i saw this:

and i started to cry.  and the ultrasound tech first smiled a warm, congratulations smile.  and then looked at me out of the corner of her eyes when she realized i wasn't stopping. 

i began to pray at that moment. Thank you Lord. Thank you. thank you. Thank you. please keep them safe. please, please, please.  but for now, thank you. i cannot believe how good you have been to us.  they are perfect already ... in every single way. 

and i got it. 

and then i went to the bathroom to pee. 

and i saw my belly, my reflection in the mirror, my growing self, my rounded face, my tight shirt. 

and i teared up again. 

*enough with the crying, hey? i know, i know. 

but it sunk in.  

i didn't mind my face.  i didn't mind that the shirt i was wearing would very soon become too small and that i would need to buy more clothes.  i didn't even think i was "gaining weight." 

i realized, truth be told and known for the past five months...that even though the blood work proved it and my body revealed it: 

i was, officially, actually, 

pregnant. 

now, you may think to yourself, seriously? this girl just now realized this? come on. 

but for real.  i think that was my problem. 

i think, i know, that i was holding my breath until i saw them move and exist on that screen. 

i hadn't felt them move inside me yet...and i still couldn't fathom that our dream was coming true. and even though i'd pray for peace and acceptance, i think there was a piece of my mind that wanted to hold captive those feelings of excitement and hope and love ...because i was afraid. 

fear. 

i hate fear. 

it really wastes time and energy and precious, precious life doesn't it? 

but it got me.  and it got the best of me. 

and though i try to resist it as much as i can on a daily basis.  

it won. 

i sorta wasted these past few months not believing. 

not believing in the gift that had been promised to me this past year. 

not believing that my life could be filled with joy and celebration and anticipation of good, not sorrow.

not believing that God remembered who i was or where i lived.

not believing that a God as good as my God, would love me enough to gift me the life of a child.

yet, He is so good, He gifted me with two.  two! 

and i was humbled.  

hence the tears in the bathroom. 

and the tears since. 

humbled with a gratitude i've never really understood before.  

for His gift of mercy. 

His gift of love.

His gift of grace. 

His gift of life...two lives!!! 

I am so undeserving, and yet He aligned my deepest desires with His timing and gifted me with double the gifts that is still . . . 

. . . sweeping me off my feet. 

And my body is growing. 

and I am growing two humans! 

and i am embracing and enjoying having a round face

and swollen feet

and an achey back.

heartburn and a stretching belly reminds me daily that i have life inside of me. 

Life!!! 

it's surreal.

and though i'm still wrapping my head around the idea that i am this blessed. 

or that He loves me this much. 

or that He chose me to be these babies' mama, 

i am falling more in love with these angels every single day. 

and Him. 

I am falling in love with a God who continues to awe me. 

and surprise me.

and love me. 

and never let go of my hand. 

He is so so good to me.  Too good to me. 

and I am so undeserving. 

But I'll take it! 

and I'll never ever ever forget to give Him all the glory! 

PRAISE BE TO GOD!!!! 

"We would worry less if we praised more.  Thanksgiving is the enemy of discontentment and dissatisfaction." 

-Harry Ironside