MERRY CHRISTMAS !!

We pray your days are filled with jingle bells & angels singing.

With Love, 

Alan, Jaclyn, Maelyn & Svea 

Eve, Ivy, Patience, Willow & Harley too 

><>

1 month

 Maelyn (left) & Svea (right) 

:: still can't believe these are our babies & there isn't a day that goes by where i don't thank God for the gift of them 

:: breastfeeding twins is quite the undertaking! i am so thankful my body is able to do so, but have to admit, i spend all of my days in our comfy rocker chair in their nursery, feeding one, trying to keep the other calm, then feeding the other....and repeating the steps.  i would love to tandem and have attempted multiple times, but we have a little 'latch issue' with our sweet maelyn so for right now, it's one after the other

:: sleep is non-existant and i am amazed at God's grace when he sustains me through this...gifting me an overflowing heart of thanksgiving for the ability to stay up at night and nourish and love on His two miracles 

:: life outside of our home is none but to be honest, it's just how i like it! i am fearful i'm becoming a hermit because my desire to leave or see anyone is zero....but hope that it's just due to the fact that i know my responsibility right now is to care for my newbies

:: blessings have been showered upon us continually and i have to admit, the meals that people are providing have done wonders for our soul, our minds and our stress.  i love to cook, but taking that pressure off of me to plan meals & grocery trips has been HUGE. Thank you God for the gift of friends and loved ones who take the time to make a meal for us to enjoy in the evenings...it is wonderful. 

:: animals have been awesome, and by awesome, i mean uberly fantastically awesome.  i have the two greatest dogs in the world who have patience, concern, protection, and love for these babies already. i plan on doing a whole post just about them. 

:: marriage has been growing and stretched and growing some more. it's amazing how much survival mode can take away from one another, how frustrated you can become with the one person you love ridiculously because of sleep deprivation and at the same time, how much your heart can grow in love with them when you peek across the room and see them rocking your children and caring for these innocent souls the way you would.  i am growing more in love with my husband every single day. 

:: self care is none.  and this is definitely one area that i am okay with sacrificing for now, but may need to schedule it in every once in awhile.  like go get a hair cut at the hair salon.  or maybe start running again.  showering! i need to start making time each day to shower! how wonderful my soul feels when i shower!  

the list could go on and on...but i just wanted to write a few of the things down that i want to remember and smile about, capture in words for eternity and create into my own little journal of memories.  since all moms know, the memory is definitely minimal these days. ;) 

and for your enjoyment; we had pictures taken by a friend last week and i am in love with them.  hope they bring a smile to your face as well!! :) 

happy birthday to my love. . .

dear alan  

from the first days of our infertility journey, to the first night running back and forth (literally) to the NICU to visit our sweet Svea and then back to me & Maelyn. . . 

to the glorifying our God, crying and loving on our two little miracles . . . 

... and through the sleepless nights and days where you snuggle them on your chest, sometimes bare and sometimes not . . .

...and for all the days in between 14 years ago when we first met to today,  THANK YOU.

You gave me a new hope for love.   You gave me new hope for a future filled with dreams coming true and saying hello instead of goodbye.

You gave me our little miracles.  And all the love we feel when we look at them ... times that by a thousand, because that is how much I have and will always love you. Always.

You are my favorite man on this earth, and one of my greatest blessings ever.

God has been so good to me.

Happy Birthday lover.

Love all your girls (Fur babies & non-fur babies)

Eve, Ivy, Patience, Willow, Harley --- Svea & Maelyn  xo xo

They're here!

With gratitude and joy, we introduce our miracle daughters: 

Svea Jason-Fay (right)  &  Maelyn Piper (left) 

Born Monday, November 19, 2012

6:24 & 6:25

5 lbs. 14.5 oz. & 5 lbs.  13 oz.

18 inches long  & 18.5 inches long 

Everything went perfectly!

Prayers were answered. 

Peace was present. 

 We are in awe of God's mercy upon our family, 

 soaking up and absorbing every second of their little lives. 

And of course, 

falling more and more in love. 

More to come. . . 

patience . . .

dear babies, 

it's surreal to think that within the next two weeks, you will be making your appearance into this world and we will be weeping tears of joy as we thank God for your beautiful selves! 

your dad and i are trying so hard to be patient...but these last few days have been tough.  i have not been able to sleep more than 35 minutes at a time and have been fighting a nasty chest cold which causes me to cough till my lungs hurt and your poor dad wakes up thinking i'm choking. 

i keep trying to tell the dr. that my body is revolting, that you both have simply run out of room and that it is time to meet you!!!! 

she just smiles and tells me to hang on a little longer. 

oh heavens. 

but then i remember; we hung onto the hope of having you for seven, yes, seven long winters and hot summers and dark nights filled with bits of sunshine here and there...seven tax seasons and seven thanksgivings, seven christmas' and seven birthdays for each of us.  seven calendars filled with anticipation of the next month's possibility and the 'what-if's.'  seven calendars of new years, new beginnings and so many awesome and painful and powerful lessons that were taught to us.  

we waited through all of that.  

always wondering. 

always dreaming, 

and always wishing you into existence....

and we cannot even imagine how great this day (that will be here sooner than we know it), is going to to end up. 

i have a feeling it is going to sweep us off of our feet.  

and our God will end up surprising us again. 

blessing our mind's eye, 

knocking the wind out of our expectations with you both. 

because what we dream of, what we think you'll look like and act like and even become, 

....is not even half as great and beautiful and awesome 

as He already has planned for you. 

and how stinkin' cool is that?! 

so, whenever you're ready;

we are trying to be ready. 

and so are you friends and your family and your family-friends and your friends that are family. 

they all love you too. 

and can't wait to meet you. 

you are two lucky little beings i tell ya.  coming into a world full of open arms and eagerness for your arrival, ready to care and pray over and shower you with excitement and hopefulness of your future. 

it is overwhelming how loved you already are.  

and i think our hearts are going to burst when you arrive. 

we're as ready as we think we can be. 

and we can't wait for you to come. 

so any day now little ones, 

we are trying so hard to be patient . . . . 

love, 

mom & dad 

eve, ivy, patience, willow & harley too 

><>

sharing life's lessons . . .

a true story (or from what has been stored in my personal memory) goes something like this:

a high profile celebrity (we shall name her Karen due to my memory not always being 100% accurate & for fear of the law-suits that might follow if my version of the story ever goes viral) Karen, and her personal trainer/nutritionist (we shall name him a pseudo one as well) Jim, had just met. 

Karen had always struggled with weight management and nutrition.  Jim, was an expert.  an up and coming expert.  not quite known to the world per-say, but definitely known in the nutritionist/motivational/personal-trainer world (a.k.a. celebrity world).  

Karen, who happened to be, let's just say, one of the most influential women in the world, got wind of Jim and was eager to see if he could help her in her dreams of becoming healthy.  So they met. 

And started a business relationship.  

Karen would meet with Jim weekly and he would not only work out with her, but talk through her week, her foods, recommendations, etc.  He was becoming important to Karen because as she followed his encouraging ways, she was, indeed, noticing a difference in her life-style and her approach to food and exercise. 

The only catch was that Jim had other clients and his time was spent trying to help many people.  He couldn't soley depend on Karen's business, no matter who she was, nor did he really want to. Karen, being the busy and highly sought after individual, didn't really take into consideration that Jim had other folks he was also helping. 

So she would show up late for appointments, cancel the day of, and basically just felt her time was probably (& maybe in her eyes) more important than his. 

This frustrated Jim.  He couldn't keep pushing back his other clients because this one MAJOR one was always late.  He couldn't keep re-scheduling his days and happenings around Karen.  Yes, she would and could make or break his career.  Yes, she had the power to influence the world into loving him if his name was ever exposed that she worked with him.  Yes, she could make him a multi-millionaire.  

But Jim didn't care.  Well, he wasn't working with her for that reason. 

He was working with her because he cared about her health and he was hoping to help her discover and take back her life and feelings towards food and exercise.  

And he loved his other clients as well, celebrity and non-celebrity status.  Their health and wellness was also super important to him. 

So the day came when Jim had had enough.  Karen arrived late for her appointment again.  Jim had a busy day himself.  Karen didn't need to know the details of his day, but she did need to be made aware that his day was not going to keep being impacted by her self-focused schedule. 

So he told her.  He, politely, and seriously, told Karen the following: 

"karen, you cannot keep being late to your appointments.  you cannot keep canceling the day of, and you cannot expect me to be at your beckon call.  yes, i know who you are and i am very aware of how important your time and schedule is. you influence more than those around you, you influence the world.  however, if you cannot start showing up on time for your appointments, keeping your appointments and valuing my time as much as i am expected to value yours, then this working relationship will have to end."  

and this is where he said it, this is the statement that sticks with me.  knowing far too well that Karen had the power to damage his reputation (not that she would, she wasn't that kind of woman) but knowing that she also had the money and influence to assist his expertise, he didn't seem to care.  because this next statement he made to her, showed me the kind of man HE was and that all that mattered was he was going to defend & call out the right from the wrong...no matter who he was dealing with.  so he ended the conversation with this: 

"karen, my time is JUST AS important as your time.  and i want you to remember that.  i value my precious minutes and hours the same way you do yours. " 

the story ends with Karen being taken back but processing Jim's comment and statement to her over the next few days and coming to some awareness that she had not sent him the message that she valued his time as much as she did her own. it taught her a life-long lesson.  and she changed her ways. 

Karen and Jim remain dear dear friends to this day.  they collaborate on many business adventures and karen did end up telling the world about her dear friend.  she even shared this story, making herself vulnerable to the criticism, but knowing that if she could swallow her pride and hear the true message, hopefully others would too. 

I tell this story because it is one of my favorites.  And it is one of my favorites for so many reasons.

i also tell this story because one of my own life-lessons from my therapist as of late has been the following:

If you don't tell people your expectations, you are not being fair to them in your own disappointments.

In other words, i cannot expect people to value my time if i allow them to not value my time, or tell them how important it is to me. 

i cannot expect my family members to know my needs & desires, if i do not share them. 

i cannot expect boundaries to be respected....
if i have not clearly explained or put in place, what those boundaries are. 

Bam! 

i am learning a lot i tell ya! 

and a lot of my learning is how i (emphasis I) need to better my communication. to not be afraid to speak up.  to tell others when i am hurt.  and to expect "i'm sorry's"  "thank you" and "forgive me"  just as much as they expect it from me. 

i am gaining not only awareness of my own imperfections, but gratitude towards my tough lessons. my hearts hurting moments. i am appreciating the broken heartedness that others have, shall i say, 'caused' me.  those broken heart moments and seasons didn't only teach me then, they are teaching me now...and i am taking it all with me.

i am also trying to gain courage.  the courage to, like said above, speak up, put my foot down and even write my stories.  because if they are teaching me....then maybe the hard truths will teach others?

i can only hope.

Jim hoped.   and it didn't only enhance his friendship with Karen.  his courage taught probably a world of individuals about valuing others time management.

i am one of them.

i will leave you with a quote a good friend sent to me yesterday that i am loving.  i am not loving it for its fear factor, but its truth factor.  i am not here to write about the wrongs others have bestowed upon me, but to write about the learnings i have taken from their hurts, their actions and our encounters together.

i am here to write.  i have known it since i was little.  i know it now.  and i will forever know it.
now i just need to do it.

"You own everything that happened to you. 

Tell your stories. 

If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better."

~ Anne Lamott

i've been writing so many heavy hearted posts this week, i thought to myself, i better get a grip and remind my brain what all makes my heart skip an extra beat or sing songs of joy or just smile.

so here i go...a saturday "to do " list that came my way via the world wide web (or I like to think: God himself trying to correct my tude I woke up with):

1.  Count my blessings 

2.  Practice Kindness

3. Let go- of what I cannot control 

4.  Listen to my heart

5.  Be productive,  yet calm

6.  Just breathe 

happy weekend to you and yours! 

><>

tuesday:
i remember visiting her and thinking she looked so yellow . . .
and green.

i remember her holding my hand and her eyes were different. she was different. she was fighting a battle in her mind of what to say, what not to say and what would even come out of her mouth sounding the same she meant it to.

her ankles were swollen, and so was her belly.  her cheeks were sunk in and her eyes looked large on her face.   her fingers were skeleton like and they moved as if they were trying to find strength within themselves.

her room was filled with flowers and cards, notepads and gift bags, machines that were beeping and tubes coming out from every angle of her robe.

she weighed a whopping 87 pounds.

and she was 45.

jason was 17, i was 12, going on 13 in less than two weeks and Josh was 9.

as i said goodbye to her that night, i apologized for not being able to come back on wednesday, the next day.  she kissed my cheek and asked me why.  i had exams to make up and homework i was behind on. i couldn't do it all and my dad was encouraging me to stay and get caught up a day.  she shook her head, smiled her beautiful half smile, grabbed my hands with her yellow ones, squeezed them and hugged me with her boney shoulders and told me she loved me.

***********

thursday:

i was sitting in our gymnasium dressed in my blue devils shorts and t-shirt gym uniform listening to my teacher give us instructions for what we were to be doing outside.

i wasn't actually listening though, i was just watching him move his hands back and forth as my heart couldn't calm itself and my legs were moving every which way.  his voice was monotone and he sounded like the charlie brown teacher that never stops. my ears echoed.

i pulled my legs to my chest as i felt my heart start to beat a bit faster and drifted my eyes to the windows that were positioned high on the gymnasium walls, enough to let the light in, see the grayish clouds, but that was about it.

it was then that i turned around to see him leaning on the metal door frame 30 feet away with his one hand in his coat pocket and the other give me a small wave of, can you see me?

my dad.

i slowly pulled my arms from my legs, helped myself off the floor and walked quietly away from my gym class instructions and classmates, past my dad and down to the basement level girls' locker room.

i trembled as i opened the silver locker and started to fold and pile my clothes i was about to change into on the wooden bench as i discarded my gym uniform into my backpack.

i kept shaking my head as if i was disagreeing with what my soul knew.  i kept having the word, no, run through my mind as i thought to myself, i didn't even get to say goodbye last night. i didn't even get to see her. 

i kept asking God if what i was feeling was reality and truth...or just a made up bad nightmare.  she hadn't been sick for very long.

she had just gotten sick, less than 52 days prior! 

wait, my birthday was coming up.  in 10 days. 10 days...and i turned 13!!! 

thank God, thank you Lord, seriously, thank you for not letting her die on my birthday. 

wait, give it a rest, i told my mind.  you haven't even talked to dad yet. you didn't even say anything to him.  he didn't say anything to you.  just wait.

i hopped in the back seat of the car as my dad's girlfriend sat in the front passenger side.  she turned around and looked at me. no compassion. no kindness. no anything.  just a stare.

when my dad got in the car, he proceeded to tell me that we were going to pick up my brother josh from school and then we'd go home.

still no words. no clues.  no anything.

i sat staring outside, watching the trees blow a bit, the signs of Spring everywhere, the grass still brown with hopes and hews of greens here and there.  it was still chilly.

i watched the birds flying around as i waited in the parking lot for them to come back to the car with my little brother and noticed he was surprisingly upbeat. skipping almost.

well, he was only 9.  and had no clue, or so i thought, what he was about to be told.

my dad looked in the rear view mirror and proceeded, "do you guys know why i picked you up from school?" 

my brother, "no, but do i get to miss the whole rest of the day?"

"yes, josh, you can miss the rest of the day, and probably a couple more days if you'd like. you won't go back to school until next week sometime if you don't want to."

"cool, no school?! why not?"

the stare was directed at me.  i looked out the window on my left.

silence.

i couldn't take it.

"mom died josh."

silence again.  then a puzzled look from my dad followed by the head snap from her with a look of surprise inquiring how i would know such a thing.

"yes, your mom died this morning and we just got the call a little bit ago.  Jason knows but decided to finish his day in classes and will be home later. "


quiet again.  this time, i looked out to my left, josh to his right.

we exited the car when we pulled into our rental home and with an eager bounce in his step, josh rushed to the door and up to his room.

i took my time.  one step after another. i didn't put my back pack down. i didn't go to my room. i didn't do anything except walk to the kitchen and wait for my dad.

"can you take me back to school, please?" 

my dad looked concerned.  "if you want to go, but are you sure you want to go?"

"Yeah, I don't want to be here, i just want to go back to school.  i just want to finish my classes. and i don't want to think about it."

he didn't question me anymore, he just got his keys and coat and we headed back to school.

i watched as the wind picked up, the birds flew frantically to their nests, and the squirrels hurried across the roads to a safe place to keep them warm and tucked away.

hidden.

i wanted to go with them.

i wanted to hide in the trees, between the branches and leaves, and cover myself with leftover scraps from the road. i wanted to fly so badly to wherever the wind took me and sleep as close to the stars as i could.

as close to her as i could be.

i just wanted to be anywhere but here.

because what am i suppose to do?

here?

who do i become?

what am i suppose to do . . .
. . . without my mom on my 13th birthday?  or when i go on my first date?  who do i talk to about my first kiss? or ask questions to about my girl areas?   who is going to approve of my husband to be?  or take me dress shopping when the time comes?  who will throw me a wedding shower and cry with me as she talks about our life together?  who is going to make me feel this loved again?

what am i suppose to do when i become a mom?  and when i bring the baby home alone for the first time? or sit in the hospital waiting for her/him to be born and i am scared?

who will hold my hand and tell me that i am strong, and a woman, and God made my body to do this? who will hold my babies as i fall asleep in peace knowing they are being loved and cared for....safely?

who is gonna help me become a momma ....
when i'm not gonna have one ever again?

><>

there have been many 'seasons' shall i say in the past year that i have found myself evaluating, re-evaluating and re-re-evaluating friendship.  who are my friends? why are they my friends? who are my favorites? who do i trust? who can i count on? who is consistently there for me or sees me for me, baggage, crud, dysfunction and all. do they show me, or just tell me, that i matter to them?

i then find myself asking myself the same questions about myself: who considers me a friend? why? do they trust me? can they? can they count on me? do i show them that and not just tell them?

what i've noticed about myself during these times of evaluation, is that i turn to words of encouragement.  quotes. bible verses.  and many times the simplicity of the words gives me comfort and a sense of peace for awhile.

i need this far too often because i'm learning that no matter my age or my learnings...i still find myself insecure, having a sensitive heart and many a times, having my feelings hurt.  i do my best to show grace and mercy to others and i try, try and try again to be real with my friends.

but it hasn't always come easy.  i have lost some due to my honesty.  i have had brokenness shatter what was once a beautiful connection because i challenged them when i thought they needed it.  i have failed at allowing some of the toxic friendships to overtake my life and drain me of my good i can share with others (i have one friend who has since named these friends "emotional vampires").  i have abandoned people and separated myself from them because i simply couldn't handle giving any more than i already did.  i have had my feelings hurt because i've felt that i have showered them with kindness and time, words of affirmation and loyalty, when in return i've received the left-overs of their days.  i have been disappointed when they have excused their busy schedules as reasons not to show up for me, time and time again....but expected me to prioritize their important events and requests. i have been crushed when they don't value the friendship the way i do, therefore not leaving time in their schedules for me. i have made excuses for them....and for myself.

i am continuing to learn and re-learn the friendship qualities that i admire most ....and that i want to rid my life of.

i am continuing to be stretched in my own way of how i become and remain a genuine friend to someone.

i am having to be humbled in my own selfish needs, insecurities, wants and desires.  i am learning to show more grace to my friends, while asking for some in return.

i am also starting to recognize 'red flags' if you will of those friendships that maybe i can keep and love at a distance.  the ones where i can be the kind of person i want to be towards them....but i don't have to allow them to a place in my heart where the emotions run deep and raw.  where i am vulnerable for the taking.  i can keep a distance there so that i am able to withdraw and pause for moments....and encourage their journey while remaining on my own.

i want to be the kind of person that everyone can count on.  but i am learning that how i can keep allowing others to count on me, when i cannot count on them? how can i, as my uncle likes to say, keep withdrawing from a bank account, when i am not depositing anything?  eventually....it will run dry.

lately....i am dry.  and lonely. and having hurt feelings.  and feeling neglected and like second-best.
i am missing my mom.
i am longing for a sister....a forever, friend.

i am wishing i was valued by some the way i value them.

i am feeling like i will never find 'her' -- by bestie, the one where she relies on me as much as i rely on her...and we are connected by heart, mind and soul.

don't get me wrong..i have the dearest of dear friendships where i can count on them.  where i know their loyalty remains genuine.  where if i needed them, they would be there.  i do, and i know that.

but i kinda long for: that one.   the one that all of my 'dearest' ones...have with someone else, and usually, it's with a sister, or cousin...or best friend from childhood.  

and though i celebrate these friendships for them....i find a smidgen of insecurity, of jealousy, seep out of my heart, into my mind....
....and create a tornado of negative thoughts about myself that i can't seem to always stop.

i am hoping that this is due to the 'emotional surge' i am experiencing with being 8 months pregnant and my hormones peaking over the mountains.

but i am also realizing that it may be a little bit of my reality and dysfunction that i need to tweak.  heal. release, and let God fix within me.  Cuz He can, and i believe that.  

He has and continues to 'fix' me....to tweak me.....to adjust my thinking and make me feel whole again. i want that.

i need that.

especially for these babies.

because even though i know they'll have forever friends within each other...they will struggle with insecurity themselves, and i want to be able to have the confidence and vulnerability to share with them my own struggles, my own heart aches, my own trials, my own demons.

but encourage them with my triumphs.  the triumphs over my learning, re-learning, and un-learnings.

and maybe i'll even share with them some of my favorite quotes on friendship that give me peace in their words...comfort in their meanings....and strength in their truth. the words that remind me no matter how i am feeling towards/about/from others....i must hold myself accountable to these teachings.

because in the end, it is only myself i have to wake up to and fall asleep with. and i want to rest my head on my pillow and not be ashamed of how i treated someone else, no matter how they treated me or made me feel.  i want to feel confident (not cocky) in sharing love, grace and mercy with them, despite my own disappointments.  i want to fall asleep and wake up feeling motivated to be a better version of me...for others, than i was the day before, leaving the past behind and hopeful for the future.

i have a long way to go....but maybe, eventually, one day, i'll feel okay about the road i'm traveling....
.....just being me.


*********

"A mere friend will agree with you, but a real friend will argue."  

"spend life with who makes you happy, not who you have to impress."  

"counting other people's sins, does not make you a saint."  

"don't feel bad if people only remember you when they need you.  feel privileged you are like a candle that comes to their mind when there is darkness." 

"respect people who make time for you in their busy schedule. love people who never look at their schedule when you need them." 

**For more of my favorite sayings, you can visit here ** 

i read somewhere recently that there is a period of emotional surges of stress combined with excitement and eagerness shortly before the birth of any child.

i am there. officially.

i am so flippin' excited to meet these two, i cannot even stand it. i feel them flipping around inside my belly and poke me when i lay in a position that they don't like, or play a song that maybe they do? i'm not sure, but it's like we're starting to get to know each other a little and they are already making me smile.

at the same time, i am having moments of extreme anxiety, fear and sorrow.

i am afraid of not providing enough financial support to my hubster, our bread winner.  of not following the budget closely enough during my sleep deprived days and having us late on bills or overdraft fees hitting our account.  i am afraid of sitting down in front of the computer, ready to pay bills and plan accordingly and having that heartbeat skip when i realize there isn't enough 'stashed away.'

i am afraid of the lonely days when my mr. goes back to work and i am by myself with two little sweeties and my beautiful fur babies...wishing for a sister or my mom to still be here and come just sit with me...reminding me that i am, in fact, not alone...and have all the support i need in her presence...and God's love.

i am afraid of them not really knowing their grandma linda or uncle jason during their life. of failing miserably in the 'carrying on my mom's and brother's legacy.'  i am afraid that i will miss my mom and brother even more when the babies arrive and the ache that seeps out of my heart will re-open and the raw, not-able-to-breathe moments will arise and my heart will feel like it may stop from sorrow.  i am afraid of people judging me as i celebrate and mourn all at the same time...when life is about living...not dwelling in the pain.

i am afraid of not providing enough nutrition through my breast milk or having something be not functioning in my body in order to do so. i want so badly to have a successful and beautiful experience breastfeeding not only one, but two little miracles.

i am afraid of not loving on my animals and my first 'fur-babies' enough. i am afraid of them and the kitties feeling neglected. i want to be able to give of myself to everyone and though i know there is more than enough room in my heart to do so...can i physically?  or will i fail miserably?

i am afraid of my home falling apart.  of laundry piling up, dust collecting, grime growing and food spoiling in the fridge.  i am afraid to ask for help in areas that i am so anal and particular and quite frankly, just enjoy doing myself. i am afraid of saying no, but i am afraid of saying yes even more.

i am afraid of them, the babies, the sweet miracles i have been dreaming about and praying for...for seven years.  i am afraid they will not feel safe with me, or trust me.  i am afraid that i will not be able to show them how much i would and will do for them. i am afraid that they will not even grasp how much my heart is already bursting with love for them. i am afraid of not recognizing if there is something wrong with one of them or being told by our Dr. that i 'missed the mark.'

i am afraid of my husband feeling neglected. of not giving enough of myself, my attention, my kind emotions, my gentle touches and my heart for him to feel loved. i want him to know he is the love of my life. he is my first choice. he is my priority and i hold our marriage so ridiculously sacred i am not even sure how to begin loving him the way he deserves.

i am afraid of the brokenness that still exists between our two sides of families and the disconnect that may remain.  i am afraid of the dysfunction stressing me out.  i am afraid that healing won't take place and i'll have even more 'processing' and therapy to walk through in each of those areas...or the guilt that some of them will try to shower me with.

i am afraid of forgetting who i am and who i want to be. of the excitement i get every time i realize God is tweaking another area of my heart for the better, or challenging me to grow this way vs. that. i am afraid of being so consumed by the above that i am paralyzed and unable to take the next step forward. in friendships. in relationships. in faith.

and though i am afraid of all of these things (& even a few more), i am so excited to just get started being an everyday mom, walking the trenches, figuring it out as we go, learning the ropes, re-learning the ropes, creating new and positive habits for our family.  starting our family traditions.  i am so excited to introduce them to the world...to celebrate who God made them to be.  i am excited to learn about myself even more, to strengthen our family's boundaries, cleanse our home and 'un-learn' some of our past behaviors.

i am anticipating family snuggle nights with them and the five fur-babies, of playing on the floor in front of the fire place and drinking hot chocolate while we dream of our travel plans to Grand Marais or Montana in the Summer and Fall.

i am excited to sleep on my stomach and get a consistent 2 to 4 hours of sleep without having to pee.

i am eager to watch them learn all of their surroundings, how to be kind to animals, who Jesus is, what colors are their favorites, what a gift the outdoors are, how vegetables grow and nourish their little bodies.

i am excited to make homemade baby food and find cute deals on adorable clothes to dress them in.

i can't wait to hear their voices for the first time, through coos, squeals or even giggles.  i am excited to see what makes them tick and what their favorite things in life become.

i am anticipating the gift of connection they will introduce us to with the rest of the family members, friendships, our community.

i am excited to hear them say puppy, papa, mamma, kitty, ...you name it.

i am excited for God to open my eyes to some heart findings, new learnings, discoveries and beautiful moments that He continues to gift us with through their little lives.

i am excited for the look that the mr. and i will give each other across the room when we realize that our life is better than we could have ever dreamed because it is so full.  with them, these babies, our fur-babies, and all our gifts of life within our home. and we smile.  and my heart wants to cry tears of gratitude.

i am excited to hear their cries as they enter this world and realize that life, as we know it, will never ever ever be the same...and our dreams are just beginning.

i can't wait for the Dr. to tell us they are healthy and gaining weight.  that they are feeding well and to keep on keepin' on.

i am excited for them to point to a picture of their uncle, or their grandma and know exactly who they are...and then look to the skies and smile, knowing they have two angels in heaven watching over them.

i am afraid and excited and everything in between.  and even though i realize that this may or may not be normal...it is me.  it is what is filling my heavy heart, my full mind and my growing soul.

and i am trusting that God will give me the peace i need today to put aside the fears and hold onto the confirmations.

and that "the will of God will never take me, where the grace of God will not protect me."

Amen.

30 weeks & counting . . .

dear sweet babies, 

we went to our 30 week ultrasound last thursday and got to watch you move and kick and squirm and keep hiding your faces from us. your daddy is so (sweetly) frustrated that you have always hid your little profiles for the last 7 months and we've been able to try and see you once a month! i just giggle and think, we've waited seven years for you two, and we have a whole lifetime ahead of us to stare at your gorgeous selves, we can wait a few more weeks.  keep us guessing little ones! 

the dr. said everything looked really good, the placentas, the amniotic fluid, your little bodies, the fuzzes on your head (yep, we even saw the first signs of your hair!), my blood pressure.  our only concern at this point is that i was diagnosed with gestational diabetes and we find out today if i have to start taking insulin (*Insert sad face here).  i can't seem to get my fasting (which is my blood sugar levels as i sleep) to come down and my dr. assures me that it is completely out of my control...

we're at that point now where if i do have to start taking insulin, there will be even more dr. visits and more visits to the hospital...more 'cautionary' procedures and many many more people looking after you two.  i have to admit, as disappointed as i initially was that i was gonna have to drive two to three (or more) times a week to the city ...i am now relieved.  because we are in that 'danger zone' where we need you to keep holdin' on in there, growing some more and developing your little organs.  and the relief comes from the fact that we have extra special care that so many other mommas don't get. it's something i will never take for granted and am thanking God for as I fall asleep and when I wake up in the mornings. thank heavens for extra angels watching over you two...it takes a lot of pressure off of me and my worry meter goes down.

on another note, we finished your bedroom! yes, we managed to squeeze all the decor, furniture and baby accessories we could in there.  it is so cheery and peaceful and organized and full of love.  your dresser is from your uncle jason who is (one of) your guardian angels in heaven.  we refinished it and your grandpa Percy smoothed out and worked on the drawers so that they would open and close quietly and nicely while you slept and i did laundry.  it is so beautiful you two, i can't wait for you to see it! 

even more so, i can't wait to watch you grow in there. i can picture it now: i will lay you two together for the first few months in the same crib until you can start grabbing each other and then it's off to your own.   i can't wait for the mornings when i wake up and hear you cooing or talking to each other through the bars and waiting for your momma or papa to come and get you to start the day. i can't wait for you to get excited to see your puppies (Eve & Ivy) or your kitties (Patience, Willow & Harley) each morning and not only receive but give kisses right back to them.  i can't wait to watch you explore your toys and read your books on the rocker/recliner (we're still waiting for this final & wonderful piece of furniture in your room).  i can't wait to help you recognize yourselves in the big mirror above your dresser and for you to smile like you do for the camera that will be in your faces all of the time.  i can't wait to snuggle your fuzzy heads and kiss your soft necks, to listen to you breathe and watch you discover all there is to know about life.  

i can't wait to just get to know each of you.  who God made you to be.  your authentic, beautiful and individual selves.  i can't wait for you to change my world from good to great.  

i can't wait ....

.......for life with the two of you. 

i love you deeply. 

xo

your momma 

dear jason,

tomorrow, october 5, 2012 marks your 38th birthday.  can you believe it, 38?! you would have probably actually dreaded this day.  you weren't really much for celebrating turning a year older. though you never complained, i just remember your face when i'd ask you how old you were.  you never gave me the death look or the be quiet, sister look.  you simply gave me the look.  the look of; please not now, cuz you'll understand one day. i promise.

and i do. officially. i understand the whole turning a year older and not having it excite me anymore.  or missing nights of sleep prior to the big day like we did when we were toddlers.  now i just look at another birthday and i'll be honest, i celebrate the life i've been given and the gift of another year from God.

but gosh, it also makes me miss you that much more too.  it makes me miss you and how you would call all day until you got a hold of me to wish me, personally, the happy birthday you said i deserved. and i could hear the smile on your face.  no matter how tough your day had been, or how busy you were, or what you had going on....it was a day you made time for me...to speak to me ... and to tell me happy birthday.

i find myself falling asleep on my birthdays with my phone near my ear and the vibrate turned off just waiting for your call.  yes, still.  and when i wake up, i think...he's not calling, nerd.  he can't.

but that's beside the point.  today, your day, it's about you.  celebrating your life.  the life you lived.  the legacy you left behind. and the life i'm gonna live...honoring you as my brother forever in heaven.

i promise you that. i promise to never, ever, ever forget your smile. or the heart you wore wide open for everyone to have a piece of.

i promise to never forget the details of what made you....you.  my big brother.

i promise to always talk about you to your future nieces/nephews and to ensure they love & celebrate their uncle jason as much as i do.

i promise to tell them about all those details of you, so it's as if they'll already know you when it's their turn to meet you in heaven.

i promise to not glorify you, as i know you'd hate that.  you weren't perfect...who is?!, you'd say.
you ate too slow, you talked too much at dinner, you drank too much pepsi, you worked too hard, you spent money on movies and games and dvd's that are still alphabetically organized in a box in my basement.  you kept your mouth shut too often and let the hurts seep out of you when the volcano would erupt.  you loved quickly and deeply.  you cared, often times, too much.  you put others first and always before yourself.  you gave away your last dollars and never thought twice about it. you never stuck up for yourself, but always for your brother and sister. you were, and still are, one of the most caring, loving and kind people i have ever met dear brother.  ever.

i still am trying to learn from you, from your mistakes. and so many times i wish i could call you and talk through them with you.  because you'd never make me feel ashamed or less because of my oops...rather, you'd stop whatever you were doing, drive anywhere i needed you to and knock at my front door to tell me that i'm gonna be okay.

you had the ability to care for others and the loyalty of friendship that i can only pray my children will one day have. i pray i can teach them the balance of giving and asking...but always giving more. like you.  though i think your giving of yourself is what, ultimately, depleted your strength, i also think it was your best quality ever. no matter the time of day, the moment you were enjoying, the lack of money you had, the kind of day you lived....if anyone needed a friend....they could count on you.

thank you for that.  thank you for always being my best and most favorite listener.  thank you for always having a gentle way to say life would be okay.  thank you for caring so passionately.  thank you for teaching me what selflessness really means. i pray my children will have pieces of their uncle in them. i pray i will have pieces of my brother in me.

because no matter what faults you may have carried with you, no matter what shameful mistakes you may have made.  No matter how many quirks or flaws you painted yourself with...and no matter how many demons you were running from...you were a beautiful person, a beautiful man, a beautiful brother.  and you will always be....a beautiful uncle.

i will miss you in the weeks to come, when my two miracles come into this world. my heart will be bursting with love and joy and gratitude like i have never felt before. i will weep tears of thanksgiving to God for these two children He chose me to be the momma of.  I will.  

but i will also weep tears of sorrow in the night, as i lay in my hospital bed and i look in their face and i think of you.  i will shed many tears from a longing to have you here still, in human form, and wishing i could watch as you walked into the hospital room with my favorite smile of all time, plastered across your face and holding balloons....leaping to hold them first.  to rock them.  to talk to them. and then to hug me and whisper an encouragement word of praise for what grew inside of me....our newest family members.

i will think of you, as the lights are dim and everyone is sleeping...as i listen to the beeps in the hospital and i stare at these perfect creatures ...
....and i will miss you.

but i will honor you in their birth and their lives too.  i will talk about you.  i will paint your picture in their minds.  and i will tell them that one day, in the far far future...they will get to meet you...and they will know immediately who you are.

because every holiday that passes, won't be spent mourning.  or weeping. or crying tears of longing.  but celebrating.

celebrating the gift of life today.  the gift of your spirit.  the gift of your life that their momma, was so blessed to be a part of.

and every October 5th....we will open some pepsi, eat some pizza and do something you would have loved to do. and we will do it together...because that was the best part of being your sister.  the part where no matter what we did, or how we did it, or how little money we had to do it with....you always reminded us that it was about being together...and that was what made you genuinely happy.

your eyes always confirmed it too.  your genuine, loving and truthful eyes.  i still remember them.
especially when you smiled.

there isn't a day that passes when i don't think of you.  sometimes i cry...and sometimes i smile.

i often look up at the clear night sky and close my eyes and breathe in the crisp air when i think of you most jay.  and then, when i open my eyes again..i see a twinkle of a star and i know you're there.

it's as if you knew i needed that twinkle-wink & to be reminded that my life is to be lived.  that we will see each other again.  and that you will always be with me.

thank you for today brother jason.  for your birthday.   for your life that i got to be a part of.

you lived it well.

happy birthday brother.

xoxo
me

These days

:: we are anticipating 'babywatch' which officially begins in october. i will be 30 weeks along and with twins, i am told, is when we are to be 'watching closely.'  the hubs is homebound from any overnight travel, i am not allowed to travel more than an hour away and my feet must be elevated a few times a day.  with my mr. having a job that takes him away for many overnights a month, i cannot wait to have him home for awhile.  sleeping in our bed, at my arms reach, giving me comfort hugs when i start to worry whether i'll be a good mom or not and eating dinner together at the dinner table.  and of course, spending many a nights having what we call 'puppy appreciation' which entails puppy snuggles, walks, and kisses on the muzzle over and over and over again.

:: the weather has cooled and dropped to an average of 50 degrees at night.  the windows remain open, the fan blows right on me and for the first time in six months, i am waking up to a chilly feeling that is forcing me under the covers.  it is amazing.

:: healing in my heart continues to take place towards some broken relationships and i continue to remain extremely hopeful that these two sweet miracles will be a bridge back towards people both the mr. and i desperately and healthily want to have in our lives. i've heard that.  i've heard that babies give people a new purpose and reason to live. i can't wait to experience their gifts.

:: movies. television. couch potato nights.  we hardly have the tv on in the summer, if at all, but with fall here, shows starting back up, and my restrictive giant belly, i have a feeling we will be painted onto our couch watching as many movies as we can, and enjoying the last few times we have together, just us, zoned into a show and knowing that one day very soon we will not be able to do that anymore.

:: the crockpot is out.  recipes are being discovered. the oven is turned on almost daily.  comfort soups and stews are back and our bellies are enjoying the warmth of the food entering into them.  salads are less appealing and warm tea is how we finish our evenings.

:: candles!! they are out. and burning.  all day long.  now i just can't wait to get my christmas decor unpacked, play christmas music on the radio and smother our home in cinnamon and pine. *stop hating

:: prayer.  it has been consuming my lips daily.  filled with gratitude, humility, questions, fear, peace and desires for a safe labor, healthy babies and happy ending to the pregnancy.  asking for God to keep my heart focused on the right things, to keep comfort there in times of uncertainty when parenting is overwhelming and the exhaustion sets in.  to keep me humble and appreciative for every gift I am given when i look at my two dreams come true.  and to celebrate the two lives, that God knit together in my womb, for who they are...and who they will become.

"no one has ever become poor by giving."

-- Anne Frank

I love this quote. love. Love. LOVE it. It speaks to me in so many ways and humbles me even more. I would love to find this quote on a bumper sticker and place it on my car.  I would love to scream it at the top of my lungs for all the world to hear. 

But instead, I find myself processing through it daily and sometimes (i'm gonna be vulnerable here, so please be kind) -- judging others and their 'giving' ways.  Or should I say, lack there of. 

I often find myself categorizing people into two groups: 1.) givers.  and 2.) takers. I think that a good, healthy balance of giving with receiving grace (i.e. meals, help, etc) is also very good.  But if I think about the majority of folks I know, they fall into the above. one or the other. 

For example, I was having a discussion with a certain family member the other day while I was driving them to run an errand.  They started to mention how the only thing they want to be in life is wealthy and continued to explain why.  One of the main reasons was so that they could "give more" and "share" with more people.  I sat there and listened to them explain this reasoning to me and despite my best efforts to give them the benefit of the doubt (I have known this person since they were born), I found myself actually irritated. 

Let me explain. 

Wealthy, in my opinion, is in the mind of the beholder. Yes, we could have a ten thousand word discussion on wealth and success and all that in between, but if you think of the genuine life definition of both of those, it usually does not entail green money.  

I have known this person to be a what i like to call a "wandering soul," pushing the envelope, going against the grain, rebelling in our society's rules and regulations.  I have loved their free spirit.  

I have also known this person to live very much for themselves.  Holing up and not reaching out to others when others need them.  Excusing their behavior by indicating that they don't have a car, or money or resources.  

I have also known this individual to probably have more 'free' time than any other individual I know.  Hours in a day where they will sit and play video games, sleep, and take care of them self. 

I have known them to call me and pretend as though they are "checking in" when in reality, the phone call usually ends with a statement, "so, i was wondering, if you're going to run errands or to the store or anywhere in town, do you think you could take me, bring me, help me ...." 

and I do.  I am what I sometimes call a "sucker," and other times, a "giver."  I have been labeled an "enabler," as this individual will go weeks without any communication with me .... until something is needed. 

And though I know this and my mind/heart/soul is aware of this, I struggle because I want to see them so bad and hang onto the few moments I get to enjoy their company, even if it means I'm being used.  Or taken from. 

I don't want you to judge this individual.  They are walking their own journey through this treacherous life path.  If you're going to judge anybody, judge me.  

For my inability to get healthier. 

But I have been struggling with this as we enter our last few weeks before we become parents to two humans outside of my womb. I have been thinking and dwelling and trying to figure out what kind of example I want to set for them.  Who I want them to see me being.  What kind of people I hope they become.  givers. or takers. 

but what is a healthy definition of the above?  is it to give in order to receive?  is it to take and think it is good to be a receiver with grace? is it to give and expect nothing in return?  is it to take and not hold yourself accountable to make sure you 'pay it forward?'  is it to take and trust that the other person knows you are thankful with a simple verbal one or is it to receive and then ensure you send a hand written thank you (that's a whole nother' post)?  is it to give freely and without consequence towards yourself? 

ahhh!!! 

i have to be honest and say that there are more times than not when i think to myself, "jaclyn, do this for the right reasons and with zero expectations."  and then i get discouraged or bummed when i don't receive a thank you in the mail. or when my food pans get dropped off. or when i help someone and then don't hear from them for two or three weeks, until they need something again. and then i get mad with myself and think, "you gave for the wrong reasons then missy.  you gave with an expectation, and that is not a gift at all." 

or is it? 

giving with an expectation of gratitude or inspiration to give forward or to hear from them other than when they need to receive? 

i think a gift with an agenda is a whole different situation (we have givers in our life like that & i stay as far away as possible).  For example, "i will give you this money, but this is what you have to do with it or you have to stay close to us or we'll give you this gift certificate if WE get to babysit your children."  those are malicious and selfish 'gifts' if you may...and again, probably a whole nother post. but they aren't gifts.  

they are agendas.  manipulating ways to fulfill your needs.  and i don't ever, ever want to become like that.  

so how do i balance the need to see and love on a family member or dear friend with helping them only when they ask to receive?  how do i give of my time, money, food or love without a teeny glimmer of hope that maybe this time they'll want to come around more....even when they don't need? 

back to the car conversation, when they were talking about wealth and money and being rich. i do believe in the depth of their hearts they meant it.  they would give it if they had more of it.  

but to me, that's sort of a lame excuse.  what about all the gifts they have currently?   

the gifts of time.  of strength.  of youthfulness.  of company.  of words.  of encouragement.  of phone calls.  of 'checking in.'   

what about those gifts that are FREE for them to give?  free of debts owed and taxes paid?  aren't those a stepping stone towards becoming a giver? a genuine and thoughtful giver that one day, will indeed, turn out to be filled with glory and success and wealth in more ways than they could imagine?  

because i have to believe the above quote, the quote that states, 'no one ever became poor by giving.'  

it didn't say give all your money away (although, that may be a challenge).  or give all your time away so you have none left.  or give all your energy to others so you can't recenter and heal your own soul.  

it said, you will never ever, EVER go without....if you give.  never.  

because the gifts back to you, especially without seeking....will come two fold.  and you will be gifted back more energy, more love, more satisfaction and wealth from watching your gift...bless someone else.  

i want to be that person.  i want to represent that for these two babies.  i want them to be givers.  and humble themselves, (maybe a little like i'm trying to do for myself here) when i remind them:  

a gift is not a gift, if there is an expectation in return. 

period. 

"no one has ever become poor by giving."

-- Anne Frank