i read somewhere recently that there is a period of emotional surges of stress combined with excitement and eagerness shortly before the birth of any child.

i am there. officially.

i am so flippin' excited to meet these two, i cannot even stand it. i feel them flipping around inside my belly and poke me when i lay in a position that they don't like, or play a song that maybe they do? i'm not sure, but it's like we're starting to get to know each other a little and they are already making me smile.

at the same time, i am having moments of extreme anxiety, fear and sorrow.

i am afraid of not providing enough financial support to my hubster, our bread winner.  of not following the budget closely enough during my sleep deprived days and having us late on bills or overdraft fees hitting our account.  i am afraid of sitting down in front of the computer, ready to pay bills and plan accordingly and having that heartbeat skip when i realize there isn't enough 'stashed away.'

i am afraid of the lonely days when my mr. goes back to work and i am by myself with two little sweeties and my beautiful fur babies...wishing for a sister or my mom to still be here and come just sit with me...reminding me that i am, in fact, not alone...and have all the support i need in her presence...and God's love.

i am afraid of them not really knowing their grandma linda or uncle jason during their life. of failing miserably in the 'carrying on my mom's and brother's legacy.'  i am afraid that i will miss my mom and brother even more when the babies arrive and the ache that seeps out of my heart will re-open and the raw, not-able-to-breathe moments will arise and my heart will feel like it may stop from sorrow.  i am afraid of people judging me as i celebrate and mourn all at the same time...when life is about living...not dwelling in the pain.

i am afraid of not providing enough nutrition through my breast milk or having something be not functioning in my body in order to do so. i want so badly to have a successful and beautiful experience breastfeeding not only one, but two little miracles.

i am afraid of not loving on my animals and my first 'fur-babies' enough. i am afraid of them and the kitties feeling neglected. i want to be able to give of myself to everyone and though i know there is more than enough room in my heart to do so...can i physically?  or will i fail miserably?

i am afraid of my home falling apart.  of laundry piling up, dust collecting, grime growing and food spoiling in the fridge.  i am afraid to ask for help in areas that i am so anal and particular and quite frankly, just enjoy doing myself. i am afraid of saying no, but i am afraid of saying yes even more.

i am afraid of them, the babies, the sweet miracles i have been dreaming about and praying for...for seven years.  i am afraid they will not feel safe with me, or trust me.  i am afraid that i will not be able to show them how much i would and will do for them. i am afraid that they will not even grasp how much my heart is already bursting with love for them. i am afraid of not recognizing if there is something wrong with one of them or being told by our Dr. that i 'missed the mark.'

i am afraid of my husband feeling neglected. of not giving enough of myself, my attention, my kind emotions, my gentle touches and my heart for him to feel loved. i want him to know he is the love of my life. he is my first choice. he is my priority and i hold our marriage so ridiculously sacred i am not even sure how to begin loving him the way he deserves.

i am afraid of the brokenness that still exists between our two sides of families and the disconnect that may remain.  i am afraid of the dysfunction stressing me out.  i am afraid that healing won't take place and i'll have even more 'processing' and therapy to walk through in each of those areas...or the guilt that some of them will try to shower me with.

i am afraid of forgetting who i am and who i want to be. of the excitement i get every time i realize God is tweaking another area of my heart for the better, or challenging me to grow this way vs. that. i am afraid of being so consumed by the above that i am paralyzed and unable to take the next step forward. in friendships. in relationships. in faith.

and though i am afraid of all of these things (& even a few more), i am so excited to just get started being an everyday mom, walking the trenches, figuring it out as we go, learning the ropes, re-learning the ropes, creating new and positive habits for our family.  starting our family traditions.  i am so excited to introduce them to the world...to celebrate who God made them to be.  i am excited to learn about myself even more, to strengthen our family's boundaries, cleanse our home and 'un-learn' some of our past behaviors.

i am anticipating family snuggle nights with them and the five fur-babies, of playing on the floor in front of the fire place and drinking hot chocolate while we dream of our travel plans to Grand Marais or Montana in the Summer and Fall.

i am excited to sleep on my stomach and get a consistent 2 to 4 hours of sleep without having to pee.

i am eager to watch them learn all of their surroundings, how to be kind to animals, who Jesus is, what colors are their favorites, what a gift the outdoors are, how vegetables grow and nourish their little bodies.

i am excited to make homemade baby food and find cute deals on adorable clothes to dress them in.

i can't wait to hear their voices for the first time, through coos, squeals or even giggles.  i am excited to see what makes them tick and what their favorite things in life become.

i am anticipating the gift of connection they will introduce us to with the rest of the family members, friendships, our community.

i am excited to hear them say puppy, papa, mamma, kitty, ...you name it.

i am excited for God to open my eyes to some heart findings, new learnings, discoveries and beautiful moments that He continues to gift us with through their little lives.

i am excited for the look that the mr. and i will give each other across the room when we realize that our life is better than we could have ever dreamed because it is so full.  with them, these babies, our fur-babies, and all our gifts of life within our home. and we smile.  and my heart wants to cry tears of gratitude.

i am excited to hear their cries as they enter this world and realize that life, as we know it, will never ever ever be the same...and our dreams are just beginning.

i can't wait for the Dr. to tell us they are healthy and gaining weight.  that they are feeding well and to keep on keepin' on.

i am excited for them to point to a picture of their uncle, or their grandma and know exactly who they are...and then look to the skies and smile, knowing they have two angels in heaven watching over them.

i am afraid and excited and everything in between.  and even though i realize that this may or may not be normal...it is me.  it is what is filling my heavy heart, my full mind and my growing soul.

and i am trusting that God will give me the peace i need today to put aside the fears and hold onto the confirmations.

and that "the will of God will never take me, where the grace of God will not protect me."

Amen.