there have been many 'seasons' shall i say in the past year that i have found myself evaluating, re-evaluating and re-re-evaluating friendship.  who are my friends? why are they my friends? who are my favorites? who do i trust? who can i count on? who is consistently there for me or sees me for me, baggage, crud, dysfunction and all. do they show me, or just tell me, that i matter to them?

i then find myself asking myself the same questions about myself: who considers me a friend? why? do they trust me? can they? can they count on me? do i show them that and not just tell them?

what i've noticed about myself during these times of evaluation, is that i turn to words of encouragement.  quotes. bible verses.  and many times the simplicity of the words gives me comfort and a sense of peace for awhile.

i need this far too often because i'm learning that no matter my age or my learnings...i still find myself insecure, having a sensitive heart and many a times, having my feelings hurt.  i do my best to show grace and mercy to others and i try, try and try again to be real with my friends.

but it hasn't always come easy.  i have lost some due to my honesty.  i have had brokenness shatter what was once a beautiful connection because i challenged them when i thought they needed it.  i have failed at allowing some of the toxic friendships to overtake my life and drain me of my good i can share with others (i have one friend who has since named these friends "emotional vampires").  i have abandoned people and separated myself from them because i simply couldn't handle giving any more than i already did.  i have had my feelings hurt because i've felt that i have showered them with kindness and time, words of affirmation and loyalty, when in return i've received the left-overs of their days.  i have been disappointed when they have excused their busy schedules as reasons not to show up for me, time and time again....but expected me to prioritize their important events and requests. i have been crushed when they don't value the friendship the way i do, therefore not leaving time in their schedules for me. i have made excuses for them....and for myself.

i am continuing to learn and re-learn the friendship qualities that i admire most ....and that i want to rid my life of.

i am continuing to be stretched in my own way of how i become and remain a genuine friend to someone.

i am having to be humbled in my own selfish needs, insecurities, wants and desires.  i am learning to show more grace to my friends, while asking for some in return.

i am also starting to recognize 'red flags' if you will of those friendships that maybe i can keep and love at a distance.  the ones where i can be the kind of person i want to be towards them....but i don't have to allow them to a place in my heart where the emotions run deep and raw.  where i am vulnerable for the taking.  i can keep a distance there so that i am able to withdraw and pause for moments....and encourage their journey while remaining on my own.

i want to be the kind of person that everyone can count on.  but i am learning that how i can keep allowing others to count on me, when i cannot count on them? how can i, as my uncle likes to say, keep withdrawing from a bank account, when i am not depositing anything?  eventually....it will run dry.

lately....i am dry.  and lonely. and having hurt feelings.  and feeling neglected and like second-best.
i am missing my mom.
i am longing for a sister....a forever, friend.

i am wishing i was valued by some the way i value them.

i am feeling like i will never find 'her' -- by bestie, the one where she relies on me as much as i rely on her...and we are connected by heart, mind and soul.

don't get me wrong..i have the dearest of dear friendships where i can count on them.  where i know their loyalty remains genuine.  where if i needed them, they would be there.  i do, and i know that.

but i kinda long for: that one.   the one that all of my 'dearest' ones...have with someone else, and usually, it's with a sister, or cousin...or best friend from childhood.  

and though i celebrate these friendships for them....i find a smidgen of insecurity, of jealousy, seep out of my heart, into my mind....
....and create a tornado of negative thoughts about myself that i can't seem to always stop.

i am hoping that this is due to the 'emotional surge' i am experiencing with being 8 months pregnant and my hormones peaking over the mountains.

but i am also realizing that it may be a little bit of my reality and dysfunction that i need to tweak.  heal. release, and let God fix within me.  Cuz He can, and i believe that.  

He has and continues to 'fix' me....to tweak me.....to adjust my thinking and make me feel whole again. i want that.

i need that.

especially for these babies.

because even though i know they'll have forever friends within each other...they will struggle with insecurity themselves, and i want to be able to have the confidence and vulnerability to share with them my own struggles, my own heart aches, my own trials, my own demons.

but encourage them with my triumphs.  the triumphs over my learning, re-learning, and un-learnings.

and maybe i'll even share with them some of my favorite quotes on friendship that give me peace in their words...comfort in their meanings....and strength in their truth. the words that remind me no matter how i am feeling towards/about/from others....i must hold myself accountable to these teachings.

because in the end, it is only myself i have to wake up to and fall asleep with. and i want to rest my head on my pillow and not be ashamed of how i treated someone else, no matter how they treated me or made me feel.  i want to feel confident (not cocky) in sharing love, grace and mercy with them, despite my own disappointments.  i want to fall asleep and wake up feeling motivated to be a better version of me...for others, than i was the day before, leaving the past behind and hopeful for the future.

i have a long way to go....but maybe, eventually, one day, i'll feel okay about the road i'm traveling....
.....just being me.


*********

"A mere friend will agree with you, but a real friend will argue."  

"spend life with who makes you happy, not who you have to impress."  

"counting other people's sins, does not make you a saint."  

"don't feel bad if people only remember you when they need you.  feel privileged you are like a candle that comes to their mind when there is darkness." 

"respect people who make time for you in their busy schedule. love people who never look at their schedule when you need them." 

**For more of my favorite sayings, you can visit here **