dear jason,

tomorrow, october 5, 2012 marks your 38th birthday.  can you believe it, 38?! you would have probably actually dreaded this day.  you weren't really much for celebrating turning a year older. though you never complained, i just remember your face when i'd ask you how old you were.  you never gave me the death look or the be quiet, sister look.  you simply gave me the look.  the look of; please not now, cuz you'll understand one day. i promise.

and i do. officially. i understand the whole turning a year older and not having it excite me anymore.  or missing nights of sleep prior to the big day like we did when we were toddlers.  now i just look at another birthday and i'll be honest, i celebrate the life i've been given and the gift of another year from God.

but gosh, it also makes me miss you that much more too.  it makes me miss you and how you would call all day until you got a hold of me to wish me, personally, the happy birthday you said i deserved. and i could hear the smile on your face.  no matter how tough your day had been, or how busy you were, or what you had going on....it was a day you made time for me...to speak to me ... and to tell me happy birthday.

i find myself falling asleep on my birthdays with my phone near my ear and the vibrate turned off just waiting for your call.  yes, still.  and when i wake up, i think...he's not calling, nerd.  he can't.

but that's beside the point.  today, your day, it's about you.  celebrating your life.  the life you lived.  the legacy you left behind. and the life i'm gonna live...honoring you as my brother forever in heaven.

i promise you that. i promise to never, ever, ever forget your smile. or the heart you wore wide open for everyone to have a piece of.

i promise to never forget the details of what made you....you.  my big brother.

i promise to always talk about you to your future nieces/nephews and to ensure they love & celebrate their uncle jason as much as i do.

i promise to tell them about all those details of you, so it's as if they'll already know you when it's their turn to meet you in heaven.

i promise to not glorify you, as i know you'd hate that.  you weren't perfect...who is?!, you'd say.
you ate too slow, you talked too much at dinner, you drank too much pepsi, you worked too hard, you spent money on movies and games and dvd's that are still alphabetically organized in a box in my basement.  you kept your mouth shut too often and let the hurts seep out of you when the volcano would erupt.  you loved quickly and deeply.  you cared, often times, too much.  you put others first and always before yourself.  you gave away your last dollars and never thought twice about it. you never stuck up for yourself, but always for your brother and sister. you were, and still are, one of the most caring, loving and kind people i have ever met dear brother.  ever.

i still am trying to learn from you, from your mistakes. and so many times i wish i could call you and talk through them with you.  because you'd never make me feel ashamed or less because of my oops...rather, you'd stop whatever you were doing, drive anywhere i needed you to and knock at my front door to tell me that i'm gonna be okay.

you had the ability to care for others and the loyalty of friendship that i can only pray my children will one day have. i pray i can teach them the balance of giving and asking...but always giving more. like you.  though i think your giving of yourself is what, ultimately, depleted your strength, i also think it was your best quality ever. no matter the time of day, the moment you were enjoying, the lack of money you had, the kind of day you lived....if anyone needed a friend....they could count on you.

thank you for that.  thank you for always being my best and most favorite listener.  thank you for always having a gentle way to say life would be okay.  thank you for caring so passionately.  thank you for teaching me what selflessness really means. i pray my children will have pieces of their uncle in them. i pray i will have pieces of my brother in me.

because no matter what faults you may have carried with you, no matter what shameful mistakes you may have made.  No matter how many quirks or flaws you painted yourself with...and no matter how many demons you were running from...you were a beautiful person, a beautiful man, a beautiful brother.  and you will always be....a beautiful uncle.

i will miss you in the weeks to come, when my two miracles come into this world. my heart will be bursting with love and joy and gratitude like i have never felt before. i will weep tears of thanksgiving to God for these two children He chose me to be the momma of.  I will.  

but i will also weep tears of sorrow in the night, as i lay in my hospital bed and i look in their face and i think of you.  i will shed many tears from a longing to have you here still, in human form, and wishing i could watch as you walked into the hospital room with my favorite smile of all time, plastered across your face and holding balloons....leaping to hold them first.  to rock them.  to talk to them. and then to hug me and whisper an encouragement word of praise for what grew inside of me....our newest family members.

i will think of you, as the lights are dim and everyone is sleeping...as i listen to the beeps in the hospital and i stare at these perfect creatures ...
....and i will miss you.

but i will honor you in their birth and their lives too.  i will talk about you.  i will paint your picture in their minds.  and i will tell them that one day, in the far far future...they will get to meet you...and they will know immediately who you are.

because every holiday that passes, won't be spent mourning.  or weeping. or crying tears of longing.  but celebrating.

celebrating the gift of life today.  the gift of your spirit.  the gift of your life that their momma, was so blessed to be a part of.

and every October 5th....we will open some pepsi, eat some pizza and do something you would have loved to do. and we will do it together...because that was the best part of being your sister.  the part where no matter what we did, or how we did it, or how little money we had to do it with....you always reminded us that it was about being together...and that was what made you genuinely happy.

your eyes always confirmed it too.  your genuine, loving and truthful eyes.  i still remember them.
especially when you smiled.

there isn't a day that passes when i don't think of you.  sometimes i cry...and sometimes i smile.

i often look up at the clear night sky and close my eyes and breathe in the crisp air when i think of you most jay.  and then, when i open my eyes again..i see a twinkle of a star and i know you're there.

it's as if you knew i needed that twinkle-wink & to be reminded that my life is to be lived.  that we will see each other again.  and that you will always be with me.

thank you for today brother jason.  for your birthday.   for your life that i got to be a part of.

you lived it well.

happy birthday brother.

xoxo
me