for the love of my pups

have i ever told you how very much i love my animals? ;) if not, be ready, there will be a dose of love in many many more posts to come. i love them so much that there have been times when moms & dads will say to me, "you love your dogs this much, can you imagine what you're gonna feel when your babies are born?"  

i can't.  because sometimes, my love for my animals runs so thick and so deep that i find my heart wanting to burst.  burst with smiles every time i walk in the door and am greeted with wiggling tails, happy yawns of excitement, hugs between the legs (they walk between our legs to give us what we call "puppy hugs") and just joy sparkling from their eyes. 

my heart also wants to burst when i look at them loving each other. through their ailments, their sleepy days, their energetic days and any new transition our household goes through.  

they define what none of us will ever ever grasp in our lifetime from the human perspective:  unconditional love.  they love with no intention, no anger, no agenda.  sure, they need food, and exercise and love.  but they love without an expectation in return.  and they teach me daily what it is to forgive without a blink of an eye. 

i love these girls and lately, as i have been forced to put my feet up more, sit still and quietly, reflect, be present, pray, and give thanks for all that is to come, i'm giving even more thanks for what has been and what is now.  today.  my life. my blessings. my God. my dogs.  

they are my daily reminder that angels exist.  that God's love is so great.  that i am lucky enough to have and continue to feel this great kind of love.  that life will be okay.  and will always work out.  that though there will be challenges, there will be triumphs, there will be so much unknown in the future ... i am surrounded by gifts of love.  

unconditional and genuine love. 

lucky me. :) 

*if you love your animals - share it! i adore animals lovers from all over the world! :)

><>

i don't like self-portraits

since being pregnant i have been in this 'cloud nine' state of mind where i vowed to myself i would never walk down that path of feeling sorry for myself and how i looked, or complain to others about how i feel.  because in all reality, i dreamed about this pregnancy for seven years and couldn't fathom how others could even think about complaining about their gift of pregnancy to their friend who only ever dreamed of having that gift.

until now.

now i find myself wallowing in my own mind and very afraid of releasing it.  wallowing about how i feel and why i feel that way.  and more importantly, hating myself for even having those thoughts running through my mind.  because lets be honest: i am very, very, very, very grateful that this miracle of life (lives) were gifted to me and there isn't an hour in the day that passes where i don't find myself thanking God for his love and mercy he has bestowed upon my hubs and i.

and then there are the minutes in between those thanksgivings that i go back to wallowing.

i start hating mirrors.  i despise cameras.  i get annoyed at every friend who says to me, "take lots of pictures, you will regret it one day if you do not!"  even though they know full well that i am a ridiculously non-photogenic person and the thought of looking at myself in pictures prior to being pregnant could make my heart start beating at lightning speed, my armpits break out in sweats and hives start crawling up my neck.

can you imagine what looking at pictures does to me now?  now that i have a chin that has doubled in size, a face that is fuller than an inflated balloon, skin that is blotchy and unlike my old skin, etc etc etc?

i may just learn to fly if i have to look at pictures like that of myself.

but....

whose to say they aren't right? that maybe i will regret not taking them? that maybe one day i will think to myself, "what did i look like pregnant and swollen and carrying those sweet little miracles inside of me? was i beautiful? did i glow like some people say i do?  did i really look decently normal? will my babies really want to see that their mama looked (& felt) like an umpa loompa even though her heart of hearts was genuinely more grateful and felt more joy than she has ever felt/been in her whole life?  will they really care what i looked like during their baking time?  during the time when they lived inside the giant round blob growing bigger and bigger by the day? will they really, genuinely, care?"  

maybe. maybe i will think that.  maybe they will be right.  maybe i will regret it.  maybe i will kick myself. maybe they will have wished there were more pictures of me taken (because believe me, the hubs, despite my outbursts has snuck at least a picture a day and dealt with the wrath of my reaction to his picture taking).

OR...

maybe i know myself well enough to accept the fact that i am just not photogenic.
that the pictures i like to take are the ones i am taking of others.  
that the pictures of myself genuinely and always have, given me rashes when i look at them.

that when i think of my own mother, who died when i was 12, i don't wish more pictures of her. i just wish more time.  i don't wish she had pictures of herself with a belly...nor do i love the couple she has.  the ones i cherish are the ones where she is with me and my brothers.  the ones where she is holding us as babies and toddlers and little ones and her eyes dance and her smile spreads from ear to ear.
the ones where moments are being shared and spent together. loving each other. her loving on us...and us taking it in.  those are my favorites.

to be honest, i haven't even once gone looking for more of the ones where i was growing inside of her. i'm not sure why, but they just don't matter. i guess i figure that maybe her eyes would be a little like mine in all of them:  so unbelievably grateful and yet so unbearably uncomfortable.  i guess i just have this idea that her eyes will say what mine say, "i cannot wait to meet this little miracle. i cannot wait to be their mama.  i cannot believe that God chose me to be their mama.  they are my gift of joy and gratitude every single day.  they are the reason i now live.  but boy, do i feel like shit right now.  and my back aches.  and my face is swollen.  and i retain even a gram of salt if i eat it.  but i won't complain out loud, because i am genuinely, utterly and unbelievably grateful for this gift."

maybe that's the reason i am not that interested in taking one thousand pictures of myself during this phase of life. because my face and eyes will tell the truth of: i love these babies, these lives...but i sure do hate this forced smile or moment in front of this camera right now.

is that wrong?

i feel like i should be ashamed of myself and just accept that everyone loves pictures.

but i also feel worse about myself when i try to force myself into becoming someone i'm just not. i know i don't look like rosie pope or all those beautiful mama-to-be's in their skinny jeans housing their sweet basketball bump.  believe me, i don't look even close to that.

i could dwell on that fact.  i could dwell in the fact that i can't wear the cute - made - for - skinny -pregnant - lady clothes and send myself into a tailspin of depression, self loathing and hate, creating a self talk that i pray i never hear my children say to themselves. i could do that.

but i don't.

instead, i choose to accept that this is the way i look.  extra poundage, swelling, water retaining, skin worsening, sweating self and all.  i laugh at how much of an out of body experience this pregnancy has been.  i smile every time i hear someone say to me, "wow, you must be close...when are you due?"  and i respond with, "in a couple more months...still have a bit to go"  and one of two things immediately follows my response.  they either a.) ask me if i'm sure (which confirms how giant i am)  or b.) bug their eyes out at me, look me up and down and tilt their heads like a dog does when it's confused.  in which i quickly respond with, yet another, uncomfortable giggle and say, "well, there are two in there, so i guess the body has to make room!"

the point is this:  i am thankful.  every single freaking hour of every single freaking day that i get to be a mama and carry two beautiful miracles inside of my womb.  out of body experience and all.

i am.

but, i am not, nor have i ever really been, much of a picture taker.  i haven't.  i hope to be.  and i promise to get in as many photos with my wee ones once they are born, for their sake.  i vow to that.

but why start now?  why start when i probably have felt worse about my appearance than ever before?
and why the pressure?

is it wrong to just be content with a couple pregnancy photos and that's it?  is it wrong that i actually may never ever feel guilty about not taking or having a pregnancy photo shoot?  is it? am i genuinely being stubborn and not willing to grow?

Or is it possible that is how i tick, i am pretty self-aware of my own insecurities and securities....and i'm just not one of those beautiful, photogenic and eager to stand in front of the camera gals?

is it possible to ask for a little acceptance of me being me and not wanting pictures? is it okay for me to just want to hide from the camera's for a bit and embrace every single moment i am able to be present and sending warm and loving thoughts to these sweet babies?  is it okay to ask for others to embrace me as i am also?

i can't figure out why this is even an issue right now, but it is consuming my conversations with girlfriends (the ones where they all want to take pictures every time they are with me) or the days with my husband when he does surprise attacks on me with his camera.  i can't understand why after those chats and moments i feel like screaming and crying all at the same time and want to tell everyone to just leave me alone.  i like being pregnant.

i just don't like my picture taken while i'm pregnant!!

it's so so trivial.  and so not important in life. it's not. i know that.
believe me, i know that.

but it's part of my core.  my self talk.
my acceptance of what i look like physically indeed consumes much of my mind.  i'm not gonna lie.
i've struggled with this since i was 13 years old and my mom became sick.

i have battled days of running three times a day, eating nothing more than applesauce and carrot sticks and drinking nothing more than green tea and water.

my weight has fluctuated from skinny to chubby. frail to tone. i've battled obsession with health.  health with obsession.

i have major self image battles to still conquer and heal.  and despite that fact that i hoped with all of me i would not have them when my dream of becoming pregnant was gifted to me, unfortunately.....they still surface.

so i'm trying to embrace this gift.  these gifts.

but also trying to realize that my mind is its own worst enemy and i very much like to avoid the raw feelings and pathetic self talk that happens when i see myself in the mirror or on a photo.  especially now.

and for some, odd and crazy reason...it's not coming together very well and i'm not able to hold my feelings captive long enough to just give them what they want....without dwelling in it for hours after.  so i'm trying to find a peaceful point for myself and these babies.

i don't want them to feel these negative feelings that i'm feeling towards themselves.  i don't want them to house even a gram of that toxicity.  but what is my choice?

because in all honesty, i'd love for the pressure to be gone and stopped. i'd love for the days when we can just be together (husband & me, friends & me) and just sit and talk about life and love and celebration or struggle and even babies.....and not have a camera pop out.

i know what i look like.  i have some documents to prove it.

i will never, ever, ever, ever forget what i looked like...or how this felt.  it's funny and magical and beautiful and hard and uncomfortable and unreal and miraculous all at the same time.

i love all of those feelings and every thing they make me think of, pray for, grateful for and grasp.  i do.

i just don't like my picture taken.

><>

"without trials, there would be no triumph or no testimony."  

i heard this the other day on our church's podcast as the mr and i were on a sunday drive.  and i found myself wanting to say out loud the very thing that for some reason bothers me when i hear others do it, "amen!"  i know, i'm a hypocrite.

so so so so so so very true.   isn't it?

i mean, let's think about it for a minute.  who are the people that you find yourselves gravitating towards and wanting to listen or talk with and to?  who are the teachers/professors that have the most impact on you?  who are the counselors/therapists that seem to just 'get life' the way you can relate to.

it's the ones who have LIVED.  the harsh and amazing and and beautiful and brutal world in which we currently reside.  it's the people with a story and a testimony.  

the ones who have come full force through the fires.  walked through the valley of death. it's the people who have ached and wept and wailed tears of uncertainty and anguish in their souls.

and overcome.

the people who captivate me are the ones who admit that at times their faith wavered. their questions became greater.  they pleaded with God and higher powers.  some of them, didn't even believe that life would go on.  or that they'd remember how to breathe.

yet today, they live life fuller.  

they see things more optimistically.

their faith is stronger.

their love for Christ is greater.

their determination bigger.

their compassion full force.

their judgements less.

their love of people more.

their acceptance that there is a 'story' behind every sin.

their need to prove themselves gone.

their effort to help more.

their insight clear.

they're listening better.

they're talking less.

they are forever changing. forever growing. forever seeking. forever loving. forever forgiving. forever learning.

and realizing life is one big giant and  (as my wanna-be friend Glennon so perfectly calls it): brutiful journey. 

i dream of the days when i can linger with my brother and my mother again. i know it will happen.

i dream of the days when my little brother will be eager for life and work his tale off to show the world what is he made of.

i dream of the days when my father and i may have some sort of reconciliation and closure to our brokenness.  when he can see my hurts and i can forgive the hurting.

i dream of the days when my children will hear the stories of their grandmother and uncle and smile their contagious smiles and live life leaving a legacy that is told for generations to come.

i dream of the days when i know our foster children are doing well and life has been kind to them.

i dream of the days when so much is righted in the world.  i do.  always will.

but i will never take back all that i have gained from the treacherous walk this journey of life has been for me.  the losses, the waiting, the saying goodbye, the leaving behind, the letting go, the re-altering my expectations and even re-creating my dreams.

i wouldn't want to know who i would have become without the sorrows.

to some that may sound strange, but to me, it's my reality.  my story has painful memories.  but my lessons and those i'm continuing to learn are nothing short of miraculous and magnificent.  and i am so, so thankful for the teachings.

i don't know where i'll go.  or what i'll do.  or how God could even use the walk for His good.
i am, however, eager and waiting to discover it.

because it's official; my whole past was worth it and still is.
despite the longing.  despite the frustrations. despite the pit that lies in my stomach when i re-visit some of the memories.  or the ache that takes my breath away when i feel it wash over me again.

it's all worth it.

because it's my testimony of survival.
of hope.
of His love for me --- and how He never gave up on me.

.... not once.

nursery progress . . .

the cribs are up and the nursery is about 50% complete. mattresses have even been shipped! 

it's official.  we are entering our last trimester and the arrival of these two miracles is fast approaching. i can hardly believe it to be honest. 

i think i resisted putting together their nursery (or even buying cribs for that matter) because i felt like i was gonna 'jinx' us.  i know it sounds silly and even ridiculous.  but the reality i have to believe for every pregnant woman is that you're never really 100% at peace, until you hold that baby (or babies) in your arms.  and when you add a loss, or losses, miscarriage, infertility, whatever one's past road has been, it sometimes gets the better part of your mind and you find yourself having to stay present and grateful.  you have to force the gift to sink in: the gift of each day given in a healthy pregnancy.  

I am still learning that.  but my hope is on fire and i am randomly wondering into their room and picturing myself picking them up from their crib with their sleepy, swollen faces and kissing their plump cheeks, smelling their baby smells and holding them to my heart. 

 thank you, God, for the gift of them in my womb.  

 ... and for the dreams of tomorrow with them.  

each day, i am believing a little more. . . 

left to do is: 

** purchase a rocking chair/recliner that both the mr. and i can comfortably enjoy 

** finish painting/staining their dresser 

** hang the wall art/photos

** organize their shelves/closets/dresser drawers

** enjoy the room before their arrival! 

><>

for today . . .

i am loving learning to be still. i am loving learning to wait (yes, this contradicts itself to a year ago, but we grow, right?!). I am loving learning to be extremely present and take in the beauty, the moments of grace, the gift of quiet.

and when i stumbled upon this site, i knew i had to immediately link up.  it encourages all of the above, and then to write it down.  because don't ya think there is something to that?  to the writing down?  once it's written down, there is something that happens to your brain that allows it to soak in.

nourish your brain.  and your soul. and breathe in the moment.

and then life is filled with a beauty and peace that is so captivating, you want to revisit it time and time
and time again.

i think i will do this again. and again.

especially when i become a mama.

because that is a bit of my fear: that being a mama will absorb every single second of my day.  and even though i'm eagerly waiting for it; i may not force myself to stop and breathe it in.

i want to breathe in life and all that is happening around me.

because that is where the beauty lies.  the truth is revealed.  the peace pursues you.  and all is made well with your soul again.

it's that feeling.   and the feeling is so, so intoxicating.
i just love it.

so here i go, first step at journaling it; and many more to come . . .

outside my window...

grey skies. green grass. wet pavement. 

i am thinking...

of cool fall nights and autumn leaves. and everything we are anticipating happening this Fall.  

i am thankful...

for the lives growing inside of me. for a growing belly. for the journey leading up to these days. 

in the kitchen...

getting ready to head there. and make my homemade chicken salad for dinner with a dear family tonight.  

i am wearing...

one of the few items left that fit me. pajama bottoms and a comfy, over-sized grey long sleeved shirt.

i am creating...

a "please wash your hands" sign for our bathroom re-design and a "please take off your shoes" for our front entrance.

i am going...

to take my time today.  this weekend was busy.  and i am tired. 

i am wondering...
how to be more creative in my writing pursuit and how to be more disciplined in blogging.  because i'm really enjoying it.

i am reading...

everything baby.  breastfeeding. sleeping schedules. magazines. articles. & anything else that comes our way.

i am hoping...

that my anxieties disappear soon. i don't speak of them often, but i do internalize many a fears. 

i am looking forward to...

buying our cribs in the next couple of weeks & organizing the nursery. i am addicted to organizing. 

i am learning around the house...

that the to-do list is never ending.  to do what i can. and to let the rest go. 

i am pondering...

why my garden doesn't do well every year. maybe my 'green thumb' never really existed. :(

a favorite quote for today...
"There are far far better things ahead, than any we leave behind."  -C.S. Lewis 

one of my favorite things...

mornings like today. Eve, Ivy & Harley all snuggling with me in bed while I write. Lamp lit and blankets all around.

a few plans for the rest of the week...

paint second coat of nursery walls. meeting my friend's baby for the first time! car shopping. yoga. first neighborhood block party. 

and finally,

a peek into my day...

 :: painting second coat onto nursery walls ::

:: a lazy and beautiful morning of writing, reading & enjoying the quiet :: 

you should try it!
go for it . . . 

"It is not happy people who are thankful. 

 It is thankful people who are happy." 

-unknown

"shower by mail"

my handsome mr. came inside from gathering the mail yesterday and had a large brown box in his hands.   my first assumption was that it was from his work, as his office is in our basement and he receives daily packages/shipments/misc stuff.

he proceeded to come closer to me, set it on the counter and say, "this is for you, from ....."  which was a distant family-friend from my childhood who lives in minnesota.   my heart skipped a little beat and i was eagerly excited to open this big brown box (who doesn't love receiving boxes in the mail with surprises?).

on the top of the tissue lay a yellow card with my name on it and as i proceeded to open it, i could feel this warm wave of emotions run through me and my eyes fill with tears.  i then opened the card and got no further than the right bottom of the inside card filled with a list of four very special women's names, and the flood gates opened.  so much so, i couldn't even finish reading their individual words to me as my eyes were pouring out liquid drops.  thick, cloudy, heavy drops.

"alan, these are ladies i didn't even invite to my upcoming shower, so they didn't even know our needs," i stated.   he listened as i explained who each of them were (him having only met one of them, my Godmother, who attended our wedding) as i reminisced about their imprints they made in my younger life years.

he then asked quietly, "how did they know we were even pregnant?"

yes, it's that social media we call, "facebook."  i am 'friends' with my Godfather who must have told his wife who told the rest of the ladies.

and then i started crying some more.

alan sat there and watched me, a small smile on his face and stated, "babe, you're okay, this is a generous gift from some special women in your life."  I smiled and said back, "i know babe, i know. i'm just overwhelmed with the generous hearts of four women who i haven't seen in years."

You see, these women gathered together and sent what they called a "shower by mail" filled with gifts for our two miracle twins.  Fun, bright, neutral colors and gifts of fuzzy blankets, soft crib sheets, squishy wrist rattles, cozy sleepers, sweet bath towels and much more.

but the thing that got me, was not even the generosity of the gifts they sent, but the reasons behind why they sent this package.

the love they are already sending towards our unborn children.
the love they are sending to a family (me & alan) they haven't made eye contact with in probably over ten years.
the time it took for them to shop, wrap, write and ship this package.

but most of all, the tugging that their hearts must have felt towards our little family that led them to do so, by an awesome God.

i think it may have taken me 30 minutes to open this box because i had to keep stopping to wipe away the tears that flowed from my face.

and i know it may have been slightly due to my hormonal and pregnant state.  but in all reality, i know genuinely, it was more from my heart's gratitude towards women who have such a special place in my memory and my heart from my childhood.   a place filled with a whole family where my mom and brother still walk this earth.  a place where i ran recklessly and carelessly through life, loving the days and hours we spent with them.   a place that can only bring a warm smile to my mind's eye and my soul's longing.

i am still in such awe at this blessing.  i am in awe because there is such a part of me that is struggling with how much God is blessing myself and this family. i am humbled because i know my sinful self does not deserve this magnitude of gifts.

...but...

i am learning to receive each one with an open heart and one filled with complete amazement.

and some laughter.

why laughter?

because when the tears flow, they flow freely and recklessly.  and my handsome mr. just smiles and puts his arms around me...
and giggles.

and yesterday, as i finished opening up the package with him and looked at even his face filled with disbelief and thankfulness, he smiled and said, "you aren't gonna make it through your shower ya know."  


"I know," I said.  "I'm doomed." 


his response,   "maybe you shouldn't wear any eye makeup."

Gosh I love him.

><>