"without trials, there would be no triumph or no testimony."  

i heard this the other day on our church's podcast as the mr and i were on a sunday drive.  and i found myself wanting to say out loud the very thing that for some reason bothers me when i hear others do it, "amen!"  i know, i'm a hypocrite.

so so so so so so very true.   isn't it?

i mean, let's think about it for a minute.  who are the people that you find yourselves gravitating towards and wanting to listen or talk with and to?  who are the teachers/professors that have the most impact on you?  who are the counselors/therapists that seem to just 'get life' the way you can relate to.

it's the ones who have LIVED.  the harsh and amazing and and beautiful and brutal world in which we currently reside.  it's the people with a story and a testimony.  

the ones who have come full force through the fires.  walked through the valley of death. it's the people who have ached and wept and wailed tears of uncertainty and anguish in their souls.

and overcome.

the people who captivate me are the ones who admit that at times their faith wavered. their questions became greater.  they pleaded with God and higher powers.  some of them, didn't even believe that life would go on.  or that they'd remember how to breathe.

yet today, they live life fuller.  

they see things more optimistically.

their faith is stronger.

their love for Christ is greater.

their determination bigger.

their compassion full force.

their judgements less.

their love of people more.

their acceptance that there is a 'story' behind every sin.

their need to prove themselves gone.

their effort to help more.

their insight clear.

they're listening better.

they're talking less.

they are forever changing. forever growing. forever seeking. forever loving. forever forgiving. forever learning.

and realizing life is one big giant and  (as my wanna-be friend Glennon so perfectly calls it): brutiful journey. 

i dream of the days when i can linger with my brother and my mother again. i know it will happen.

i dream of the days when my little brother will be eager for life and work his tale off to show the world what is he made of.

i dream of the days when my father and i may have some sort of reconciliation and closure to our brokenness.  when he can see my hurts and i can forgive the hurting.

i dream of the days when my children will hear the stories of their grandmother and uncle and smile their contagious smiles and live life leaving a legacy that is told for generations to come.

i dream of the days when i know our foster children are doing well and life has been kind to them.

i dream of the days when so much is righted in the world.  i do.  always will.

but i will never take back all that i have gained from the treacherous walk this journey of life has been for me.  the losses, the waiting, the saying goodbye, the leaving behind, the letting go, the re-altering my expectations and even re-creating my dreams.

i wouldn't want to know who i would have become without the sorrows.

to some that may sound strange, but to me, it's my reality.  my story has painful memories.  but my lessons and those i'm continuing to learn are nothing short of miraculous and magnificent.  and i am so, so thankful for the teachings.

i don't know where i'll go.  or what i'll do.  or how God could even use the walk for His good.
i am, however, eager and waiting to discover it.

because it's official; my whole past was worth it and still is.
despite the longing.  despite the frustrations. despite the pit that lies in my stomach when i re-visit some of the memories.  or the ache that takes my breath away when i feel it wash over me again.

it's all worth it.

because it's my testimony of survival.
of hope.
of His love for me --- and how He never gave up on me.

.... not once.