first letter to the babies

i've seen and stumbled upon so many letters that moms write to their babies when they're pregnant and for so many years i would read these and smile.  and then i would go into a tail spin of tears.  i wanted that love feeling so bad. i wanted that baby so bad. i wanted that tummy so so bad.

and then God decided, in His perfect timing (yes, i am aware it is much easier to say in hindsight) that He would bless us with not one, but two little miracles.

so here i am, sitting here this morning on this cloudy and rainy day and all i can think about is becoming a momma.  and these little angels.  and how much i can't wait to meet them . . .
. . . and talk to them.

so i figured i would give it a shot and write them their first letter. i still have some of the letters my mom wrote to me before she died, and let me tell you something: i cherish them. i read them, and re-read them.  i hold them by my heart when i am missing her.  and i am so very thankful she wrote down her words for me to have forever.

one day, i hope these two will cherish my words like i cherish my mom's.  and maybe it'll show them a little more about me. and how deeply and unconditionally and insanely . . . they are already loved.

* * * * * *

good morning my little angel babies!

did you know that since i saw you for the first time, alive, well, kicking and moving around last week, i wake up every single morning and smile thinking about you?

it's true. i do.

and i think, wow, we're one day closer to your arrival into this great big world and our teeny tiny, blessed home.

you are already bringing such feelings of joy and hope and excitement to your dad and i. we talk about you everyday. your dad kisses my belly and says, 'good morning babies!' and then rubs your little souls with his gentle hand.

and then he picks some music for the morning to play on his radio for you to listen to (i really hope at least one of you falls in love with music! because your daddy will be so ecstatic to share that special bond, i think he might even do a cartwheel).

i've tried to keep myself busy throughout the day finishing projects around the house (we had our first ever garage sale last weekend, are cleaning the basement, re-decorating the main bathroom [Your bathroom], eventually will do your room and a couple tid bits of things here and there).  i think keeping myself busy preparing our home for your arrival lets me think that i'll worry less about the home and more about spending every single second admiring you two.

at least that is what i hope.

because you'll soon learn something about your momma that is one of my strengths...but definitely one of my weaknesses too: i am an organized, neat freak.

*gasp*

but don't worry, my priorities are straight and when you arrive...you will become my morning, noon and night and we will enjoy our minutes and hours together.  and one day, i hope you'll turn up the music that you've grown (or been born loving) to love and we'll dance our way around the house, dusting, vacuuming, cleaning and organizing....and you'll begin to appreciate how very much it helps our home run smoothly. ;)

you are 20 weeks littles ones.  and even though the doctors are pushing you to stay put in that little space in my tummy until 36 weeks, they also tell us to, "be ready (meaning bags packed, cribs up, etc) at 28 weeks and on.  I know!  that is a difference between meeting you two months from now . . .
. . . or four months from now.

and as much as i'd love to meet you in 8 short weeks (time flies little ones), i am hoping for your sweet selves that your guardian angels keep you tucked and cozy in there for at least four.

i want you healthy!  and ready to come home as soon as you can.

so i promise to keep walking and staying healthy.
i promise to keep rubbing oil on my belly to absorb so it can stretch as far as it needs to for your comfort.
i promise to eat less sugar and more fruit, nutritious meals and drink gobs and gobs of water.
i promise to try to conquer these hormones and keep my heart beating regularly for your peace of mind.

i promise to do everything in my power to assist in yours. but most importantly, i promise to pray each and every day for you.  for thanksgiving and gratitude for your lives. for your safe keeping and well being.  for your current and future days.

i am filled with a love for you that i only hope will shine through when we meet. because if you can hear my heartbeat now little ones, i hope that sound stays with you forever and ever.  because it will only get louder and more consistent.  and those pulses already . . . beat for you both.  harder and softer and louder than they ever have before.  

xo

and now i feel it . . .

see my toes? yep, and that big round blob? -- yeah, that's my 5 month baby belly.  can you believe it?! giant i know.  and it's official where i can say with sincerity that i am embracing and loving every single minute of how large it is growing. 

because as much as i hate to admit this, a couple months ago, i was struggling. 

struggling with my self image.

struggling with the idea that my body was getting ginormous. 

struggling with the feeling of feeling 'fat' when all i was doing was growing humans. 

two humans that is. 

i would catch my belly out of the corner of my eye when i would be laying on the couch and say to myself, "wow jac, you've really let yourself go."  and then I'd have to remind myself, wait, you're pregnant lady! and with twins!!!  for some reason, it never really sunk in. 

if you would have asked me a year ago, i would have almost cried when i heard other pregnant women complain about their struggles with their changing bodies.  i would have said very quickly, "i would give anything to be in your shoes right now!"  and i would have meant it. 

so when i started to struggle with the concept that strangers would stop me and ask me, "oh gosh, are you almost due?"  or "wow, you're as big as i got with both my kids and you have a whole trimester left!"  and so on, i felt this overwhelming guilt. 

a guilt that would wash over me with the idea that i was struggling with my growing body.  but for some reason, every time i would think about why i was struggling with my growing belly, it was never genuinely out of vanity or my fear of losing my figure.  it was never, now all my cute clothes don't fit. nope, it was never those. 

so what was it?! 

i think i've officially figured it out. 

and only because i turned a corner last thursday.  

a corner when i saw this: 

and then i saw this:

and i started to cry.  and the ultrasound tech first smiled a warm, congratulations smile.  and then looked at me out of the corner of her eyes when she realized i wasn't stopping. 

i began to pray at that moment. Thank you Lord. Thank you. thank you. Thank you. please keep them safe. please, please, please.  but for now, thank you. i cannot believe how good you have been to us.  they are perfect already ... in every single way. 

and i got it. 

and then i went to the bathroom to pee. 

and i saw my belly, my reflection in the mirror, my growing self, my rounded face, my tight shirt. 

and i teared up again. 

*enough with the crying, hey? i know, i know. 

but it sunk in.  

i didn't mind my face.  i didn't mind that the shirt i was wearing would very soon become too small and that i would need to buy more clothes.  i didn't even think i was "gaining weight." 

i realized, truth be told and known for the past five months...that even though the blood work proved it and my body revealed it: 

i was, officially, actually, 

pregnant. 

now, you may think to yourself, seriously? this girl just now realized this? come on. 

but for real.  i think that was my problem. 

i think, i know, that i was holding my breath until i saw them move and exist on that screen. 

i hadn't felt them move inside me yet...and i still couldn't fathom that our dream was coming true. and even though i'd pray for peace and acceptance, i think there was a piece of my mind that wanted to hold captive those feelings of excitement and hope and love ...because i was afraid. 

fear. 

i hate fear. 

it really wastes time and energy and precious, precious life doesn't it? 

but it got me.  and it got the best of me. 

and though i try to resist it as much as i can on a daily basis.  

it won. 

i sorta wasted these past few months not believing. 

not believing in the gift that had been promised to me this past year. 

not believing that my life could be filled with joy and celebration and anticipation of good, not sorrow.

not believing that God remembered who i was or where i lived.

not believing that a God as good as my God, would love me enough to gift me the life of a child.

yet, He is so good, He gifted me with two.  two! 

and i was humbled.  

hence the tears in the bathroom. 

and the tears since. 

humbled with a gratitude i've never really understood before.  

for His gift of mercy. 

His gift of love.

His gift of grace. 

His gift of life...two lives!!! 

I am so undeserving, and yet He aligned my deepest desires with His timing and gifted me with double the gifts that is still . . . 

. . . sweeping me off my feet. 

And my body is growing. 

and I am growing two humans! 

and i am embracing and enjoying having a round face

and swollen feet

and an achey back.

heartburn and a stretching belly reminds me daily that i have life inside of me. 

Life!!! 

it's surreal.

and though i'm still wrapping my head around the idea that i am this blessed. 

or that He loves me this much. 

or that He chose me to be these babies' mama, 

i am falling more in love with these angels every single day. 

and Him. 

I am falling in love with a God who continues to awe me. 

and surprise me.

and love me. 

and never let go of my hand. 

He is so so good to me.  Too good to me. 

and I am so undeserving. 

But I'll take it! 

and I'll never ever ever forget to give Him all the glory! 

PRAISE BE TO GOD!!!! 

"We would worry less if we praised more.  Thanksgiving is the enemy of discontentment and dissatisfaction." 

-Harry Ironside

If you really knew me . . .

*One of my favorite blogs, Storyofmylife, wrote a post just like this one and I am absolutely copying her. I loved it because it's one of those things that not only do you get share a bit more of your personal & quirky self, but you get to celebrate your own individuality!

If you really knew me…

+ You’d know I wear a retainer to bed, every.single.night AND I have to brush my teeth before I even leave my bedroom in the morning.

+ You’d know I'm ridiculously afraid of storms, especially when my Mr. is out of town.

+You'd know I love animals usually more than humans. I miss my dogs when I leave them even for a couple hours and can't wait to see them anytime we're apart. Even with children on the way, my love for animals lies deep within my soul. I've been fearful (but often joked) that my children will one day say to me, "you love the dogs more than you love me!" 

+ You’d know I am in love with techno and dance music. I even want it played at my funeral.

+ You'd know I am extremely and obsessively critical of myself. 

+ You’d know I am a worry wort.  My mom used to call me it. I am still it.  I meditate, pray, run (when i'm not prego) meet with a therapist bi-weekly & yet I can't seem to not worry. I think it's just in my blood. 

+ You'd know I love to laugh. And loudly. And sometimes, I laugh when I'm uncomfortable or insecure....because laughter and humor always make me feel better and get my heart beating regular again. I think people don't always know what to do with me when I find humor in difficult times, but it's how I deal. 


+ You’d know I'm extremely anal. Everything has it's place.  And even though I'm learning to relax on some things (umm, hello, we have twins on the way) I will definitely stay organized and make time to do so. It makes me tick, it calms my anxieties (see above worry statement) and I honestly believe that teaching children to make their beds or put things back where they came from or bring their dish to the sink is a good thing. 

+ You’d know I hate pictures of myself. And I am not photogenic. I'm not an envious person, but I do get jealous of those who can "make a memory" and capture it with a photo and just look like themselves: happy and beautiful. not me. So I don't have very many pictures where I'm in it and I dream of the day when I will conquer that "issue" for I want my children to love the camera.  

+ You’d know I have a head filled with songs. Let me explain: sometimes, I just break out into song (and no, I have zero singing ability, I just really enjoy it) and everything and anything, moments and statements, remind me of some song....so I'll change the original lyrics up or just include them into a "moment."  It makes the toughness of life seem a little less tough and a lot more whimsical. Yes, I am weird. 

+ You’d know I dream of becoming an author. Writing a memoir. Writing everyday for a living to be honest.  But again, am deathly afraid of criticism and the brutality that comes with putting yourself out there.  I am praying and working that out, for I believe words and vulnerability connect people together.  And we definitely need more of that in this world. 

+ You’d know I am extremely low maintenance but dream of being more fashion forward one day. I live in comfortable clothing, wear only mascara and hardly blow dry my hair. I love long hair that gals let hang, but you'll always find me pulling my own back into a ponytail/bun. I love cute/comfy clothes and flats. I love showing off beautiful hair and I love accessories (cute bags, rings and fun earrings {i can't wear necklaces, they irritate my neck} ) One improvement at a time . . .  


+ You’d know I am too sensitive.  Though I try my hardest to become healthier, draw clearer boundaries and dream of the day I can exude confidence....I am still struggling.  I get my feelings hurt easily and fear all the people that may not like me. 

+ You’d know I am not a snuggler while I sleep. I need my space.  And even though I love to hug and be close throughout the day, and absolutely love having the mr. lay next to me so I can reach across and touch him at any point throughout the night, he only dreams about me letting him rest his muscular, heavy and overly heated arm around my waist while we sleep. 

+ You’d know I am obsessed with good smelling hand soap.  And candles. And baskets. I buy them anytime I have extra money.  For real. 


+ You'd know I want to live on a water, with a huge yard and a hobby-ish farmette. I want my animals to roam free, my husband to think that being home is his vacation, my kids to have all their friends over to play air hockey in our barn loft, swim and ice skate on our portion of the water and let the pups run in and out of the house, jump in the lake and lounge in the sand. I am determined to make this dream come true. 

+ You'd know there is not a day where I am not thankful.  Having lost my mom and brother so young, and walking many other treacherous paths through life . . . I, to a fault, protect those I love with extreme caution and awareness. I don't get mad easily and try to think the best of others always. I am appreciative for each given day and often times will write my list of gratitude on my facebook page or in my journal. It reminds my heart to embrace the now. 


Now your turn...visit Jenni's blog ... see how cool she is, or leave me a note so I can meet you & what makes you sail so beautifully! 


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in a nutshell . . .

this week has been long. the mr. was away on business until this morning at approximately 1:30am. we have missed him.  it hit record high's for heat this summer in the midwest and being without rain for what seems like a year, crispy grass and not living on water, i tend to get a little crabby . . .  but all in all, the week is ending perfectly: 

:: the mr. is home! *wahoo! I can touch him, hug him and look at him all i want! :) 

:: i was invited last minute yesterday to a friend's house who has a pool.  it's official, i now want a pool.

:: we celebrate my baby brother's golden (30th) birthday tomorrow.  gosh i love that kid

:: the hubs gets to golf all day tomorrow in honor of a very special friend in heaven

:: we are alive!!  

everything is breaking in our home. seriously. first my car needs to be replaced badly with a new one before she craps out completely. the mr's work car needed 4 new tires, a new hose/pump etc and $1500 later, viola!  our washing machine (just fixed last feb) has gone kaputz again, so now we just need to buy a new one and yes, the above was my genius way to end the night last night after using this beauty. 

tell me that is not THE CUTEST lemonade stand you ever did see?  yes, i have brilliantly creative friends & i get to reap the rewards of their brilliance.  still in love. 

when the weather is so hot, these two black dogs don't get to spend too much time outdoors. so what do i do? i take them for car rides, and let them smell the air with their windows open, watch squirrels while we drive by and all the while blast the AC in the front of the car for my over-heating baby incubator. *please don't judge

do you know about she reads truth? umm, you should join! seriously. best. online group. EVER.  my days are brighter, smoother, more peaceful and filled with a gazillion times LESS anxiety since I started them with this beautiful daily discipline. ><>

besides knowing the mr. was coming home last night, yesterday had to be my favorite day of the week.  despite being the hottest day of the year, i tucked myself into one of my non-maternity swimsuits (won't be doing that again) and floated on this bad boy without once sinking it!  my friend spoiled me with sharing her time and pool. i may just be inviting myself over to her house more frequently. ;) 

how was your week? do anything fun? make any memories? learn anything new? ><>

chocolate chip cookies

as i was meal planning for the week ahead, i stumbled upon this recipe on one of my favorite blogs. i haven't ever been much of a cookie gal, though i absolutely love to make them and give them away. 

the hubs always whines a little when he sees me making cookies and usually in his kind and gentle way asks with an innocent tone:  you're not gonna give all those away this time, are you? 

because that's my problem: i have him taste the finished product and then i scoop them up onto the necessary plates and ship them off to their final destination. 

whoops. 

these might have a different ending though. 

they are that good.  for real. 

i did make them smaller, bite size cookies (we prefer smaller ones to avoid stuffing our cheeks) but the recipe called for ice cream scoop size.  

it's your choice. :) 

but, do try them. they're for real that good. for real.  crispy edges, with chewy centers.  just the right amount of chocolate chips. just the right amount of sugar.  just the right amount of every ingredient to be frank. just the right cookie. 

I live in Wisconsin and if you've been following the newspapers, television, daily show, what have you, you may have heard about the recall campaign going on in our midwest state.  

it is a pretty big deal i have to say.  and from what some of the news sources claim; this particular election may indeed foreshadow what will happen in the up coming presidential election. 

needless to say: it's a nail biter.  and i pray and hope and wish upon a star that if we witness anything today -- it's that the number of voters will be record setting.  and that people will be voicing their opinions the way they were given the right to.  and that we will be making our ancestors' proud by their fight to allow us this privilege in this country of ours. 

it's amazing i have to say.  amazing to be able to have a voice.  to be apart of a nation that allows its people to determine how our governments shall be run.  it's freedom in the grandest form. 

and today, after i voted, i found myself proud to be one of these Americans.  not because we don't have a lot to still figure out.  and not because our country is perfect.  but because we still fight for each other. 

and no matter what side one stands on today, it is pretty profound that we live in a country that allows us to voice our opinion and help make the decision for who we want to be 'in charge.' 

amen to that, hey? 

now, if you're in Wisconsin --- please go vote.  And if you're not, will you say a little prayer for our state?  we are in a bit of a civil divide and i pray that peace will prevail and all will be made right again. 

so cheers to voting -- and to being a part of "one nation, under God, with liberty and justice for all!" 

please excuse the dirty window. i sometimes forget to clean it...until i see a picture like this and realize how dirty it looks. whoops. 

these are my days as of late.  i haven't been feeling very motivated, enthusiastic or able to do as much as i'd like.  and i would have never guessed that pregnancy would wipe my energy slate dry.  

but it did.  and though i struggled immensely with feeling like a failure, a little worthless to my hubster and home and just plain lazy...i have recently started to embrace the stillness.  

quiet.

serene moments with the one who calls me to not only speak and pray . . . but listen. 

and He knows that i don't always listen, unless i'm forced to. 

and though i'm viewing these two little lives growing in my belly as the ultimate gift from the creator of the earth . . . i am also paralleling these gifts with significance in the work He is continuing to do in my own heart and soul. 

so be still it is. 

listen. 

watch. 

and have a heart that is ready to be taught.  for "In God I will praise his Word, in God I have put my trust; I will not fear what flesh can do unto me." Psalm 56:4 

p.s. have you heard about:  She Reads Truth?  You must check it out. 

Aaaaaammmmaaaazzzziiiinnnnggggg!  (yes, that is me singing the word amazing). 

For reals. Go visit.  Like now. 

You won't regret it. 

and you'll enjoy having a circle of women reading, believing, struggling, celebrating and encouraging one another through this ordinary life we live every day.  it's fabuloso people...absolutely fabulous! 

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