tuesday:
i remember visiting her and thinking she looked so yellow . . .
and green.

i remember her holding my hand and her eyes were different. she was different. she was fighting a battle in her mind of what to say, what not to say and what would even come out of her mouth sounding the same she meant it to.

her ankles were swollen, and so was her belly.  her cheeks were sunk in and her eyes looked large on her face.   her fingers were skeleton like and they moved as if they were trying to find strength within themselves.

her room was filled with flowers and cards, notepads and gift bags, machines that were beeping and tubes coming out from every angle of her robe.

she weighed a whopping 87 pounds.

and she was 45.

jason was 17, i was 12, going on 13 in less than two weeks and Josh was 9.

as i said goodbye to her that night, i apologized for not being able to come back on wednesday, the next day.  she kissed my cheek and asked me why.  i had exams to make up and homework i was behind on. i couldn't do it all and my dad was encouraging me to stay and get caught up a day.  she shook her head, smiled her beautiful half smile, grabbed my hands with her yellow ones, squeezed them and hugged me with her boney shoulders and told me she loved me.

***********

thursday:

i was sitting in our gymnasium dressed in my blue devils shorts and t-shirt gym uniform listening to my teacher give us instructions for what we were to be doing outside.

i wasn't actually listening though, i was just watching him move his hands back and forth as my heart couldn't calm itself and my legs were moving every which way.  his voice was monotone and he sounded like the charlie brown teacher that never stops. my ears echoed.

i pulled my legs to my chest as i felt my heart start to beat a bit faster and drifted my eyes to the windows that were positioned high on the gymnasium walls, enough to let the light in, see the grayish clouds, but that was about it.

it was then that i turned around to see him leaning on the metal door frame 30 feet away with his one hand in his coat pocket and the other give me a small wave of, can you see me?

my dad.

i slowly pulled my arms from my legs, helped myself off the floor and walked quietly away from my gym class instructions and classmates, past my dad and down to the basement level girls' locker room.

i trembled as i opened the silver locker and started to fold and pile my clothes i was about to change into on the wooden bench as i discarded my gym uniform into my backpack.

i kept shaking my head as if i was disagreeing with what my soul knew.  i kept having the word, no, run through my mind as i thought to myself, i didn't even get to say goodbye last night. i didn't even get to see her. 

i kept asking God if what i was feeling was reality and truth...or just a made up bad nightmare.  she hadn't been sick for very long.

she had just gotten sick, less than 52 days prior! 

wait, my birthday was coming up.  in 10 days. 10 days...and i turned 13!!! 

thank God, thank you Lord, seriously, thank you for not letting her die on my birthday. 

wait, give it a rest, i told my mind.  you haven't even talked to dad yet. you didn't even say anything to him.  he didn't say anything to you.  just wait.

i hopped in the back seat of the car as my dad's girlfriend sat in the front passenger side.  she turned around and looked at me. no compassion. no kindness. no anything.  just a stare.

when my dad got in the car, he proceeded to tell me that we were going to pick up my brother josh from school and then we'd go home.

still no words. no clues.  no anything.

i sat staring outside, watching the trees blow a bit, the signs of Spring everywhere, the grass still brown with hopes and hews of greens here and there.  it was still chilly.

i watched the birds flying around as i waited in the parking lot for them to come back to the car with my little brother and noticed he was surprisingly upbeat. skipping almost.

well, he was only 9.  and had no clue, or so i thought, what he was about to be told.

my dad looked in the rear view mirror and proceeded, "do you guys know why i picked you up from school?" 

my brother, "no, but do i get to miss the whole rest of the day?"

"yes, josh, you can miss the rest of the day, and probably a couple more days if you'd like. you won't go back to school until next week sometime if you don't want to."

"cool, no school?! why not?"

the stare was directed at me.  i looked out the window on my left.

silence.

i couldn't take it.

"mom died josh."

silence again.  then a puzzled look from my dad followed by the head snap from her with a look of surprise inquiring how i would know such a thing.

"yes, your mom died this morning and we just got the call a little bit ago.  Jason knows but decided to finish his day in classes and will be home later. "


quiet again.  this time, i looked out to my left, josh to his right.

we exited the car when we pulled into our rental home and with an eager bounce in his step, josh rushed to the door and up to his room.

i took my time.  one step after another. i didn't put my back pack down. i didn't go to my room. i didn't do anything except walk to the kitchen and wait for my dad.

"can you take me back to school, please?" 

my dad looked concerned.  "if you want to go, but are you sure you want to go?"

"Yeah, I don't want to be here, i just want to go back to school.  i just want to finish my classes. and i don't want to think about it."

he didn't question me anymore, he just got his keys and coat and we headed back to school.

i watched as the wind picked up, the birds flew frantically to their nests, and the squirrels hurried across the roads to a safe place to keep them warm and tucked away.

hidden.

i wanted to go with them.

i wanted to hide in the trees, between the branches and leaves, and cover myself with leftover scraps from the road. i wanted to fly so badly to wherever the wind took me and sleep as close to the stars as i could.

as close to her as i could be.

i just wanted to be anywhere but here.

because what am i suppose to do?

here?

who do i become?

what am i suppose to do . . .
. . . without my mom on my 13th birthday?  or when i go on my first date?  who do i talk to about my first kiss? or ask questions to about my girl areas?   who is going to approve of my husband to be?  or take me dress shopping when the time comes?  who will throw me a wedding shower and cry with me as she talks about our life together?  who is going to make me feel this loved again?

what am i suppose to do when i become a mom?  and when i bring the baby home alone for the first time? or sit in the hospital waiting for her/him to be born and i am scared?

who will hold my hand and tell me that i am strong, and a woman, and God made my body to do this? who will hold my babies as i fall asleep in peace knowing they are being loved and cared for....safely?

who is gonna help me become a momma ....
when i'm not gonna have one ever again?

><>