i've been writing so many heavy hearted posts this week, i thought to myself, i better get a grip and remind my brain what all makes my heart skip an extra beat or sing songs of joy or just smile.

so here i go...a saturday "to do " list that came my way via the world wide web (or I like to think: God himself trying to correct my tude I woke up with):

1.  Count my blessings 

2.  Practice Kindness

3. Let go- of what I cannot control 

4.  Listen to my heart

5.  Be productive,  yet calm

6.  Just breathe 

happy weekend to you and yours! 

><>

tuesday:
i remember visiting her and thinking she looked so yellow . . .
and green.

i remember her holding my hand and her eyes were different. she was different. she was fighting a battle in her mind of what to say, what not to say and what would even come out of her mouth sounding the same she meant it to.

her ankles were swollen, and so was her belly.  her cheeks were sunk in and her eyes looked large on her face.   her fingers were skeleton like and they moved as if they were trying to find strength within themselves.

her room was filled with flowers and cards, notepads and gift bags, machines that were beeping and tubes coming out from every angle of her robe.

she weighed a whopping 87 pounds.

and she was 45.

jason was 17, i was 12, going on 13 in less than two weeks and Josh was 9.

as i said goodbye to her that night, i apologized for not being able to come back on wednesday, the next day.  she kissed my cheek and asked me why.  i had exams to make up and homework i was behind on. i couldn't do it all and my dad was encouraging me to stay and get caught up a day.  she shook her head, smiled her beautiful half smile, grabbed my hands with her yellow ones, squeezed them and hugged me with her boney shoulders and told me she loved me.

***********

thursday:

i was sitting in our gymnasium dressed in my blue devils shorts and t-shirt gym uniform listening to my teacher give us instructions for what we were to be doing outside.

i wasn't actually listening though, i was just watching him move his hands back and forth as my heart couldn't calm itself and my legs were moving every which way.  his voice was monotone and he sounded like the charlie brown teacher that never stops. my ears echoed.

i pulled my legs to my chest as i felt my heart start to beat a bit faster and drifted my eyes to the windows that were positioned high on the gymnasium walls, enough to let the light in, see the grayish clouds, but that was about it.

it was then that i turned around to see him leaning on the metal door frame 30 feet away with his one hand in his coat pocket and the other give me a small wave of, can you see me?

my dad.

i slowly pulled my arms from my legs, helped myself off the floor and walked quietly away from my gym class instructions and classmates, past my dad and down to the basement level girls' locker room.

i trembled as i opened the silver locker and started to fold and pile my clothes i was about to change into on the wooden bench as i discarded my gym uniform into my backpack.

i kept shaking my head as if i was disagreeing with what my soul knew.  i kept having the word, no, run through my mind as i thought to myself, i didn't even get to say goodbye last night. i didn't even get to see her. 

i kept asking God if what i was feeling was reality and truth...or just a made up bad nightmare.  she hadn't been sick for very long.

she had just gotten sick, less than 52 days prior! 

wait, my birthday was coming up.  in 10 days. 10 days...and i turned 13!!! 

thank God, thank you Lord, seriously, thank you for not letting her die on my birthday. 

wait, give it a rest, i told my mind.  you haven't even talked to dad yet. you didn't even say anything to him.  he didn't say anything to you.  just wait.

i hopped in the back seat of the car as my dad's girlfriend sat in the front passenger side.  she turned around and looked at me. no compassion. no kindness. no anything.  just a stare.

when my dad got in the car, he proceeded to tell me that we were going to pick up my brother josh from school and then we'd go home.

still no words. no clues.  no anything.

i sat staring outside, watching the trees blow a bit, the signs of Spring everywhere, the grass still brown with hopes and hews of greens here and there.  it was still chilly.

i watched the birds flying around as i waited in the parking lot for them to come back to the car with my little brother and noticed he was surprisingly upbeat. skipping almost.

well, he was only 9.  and had no clue, or so i thought, what he was about to be told.

my dad looked in the rear view mirror and proceeded, "do you guys know why i picked you up from school?" 

my brother, "no, but do i get to miss the whole rest of the day?"

"yes, josh, you can miss the rest of the day, and probably a couple more days if you'd like. you won't go back to school until next week sometime if you don't want to."

"cool, no school?! why not?"

the stare was directed at me.  i looked out the window on my left.

silence.

i couldn't take it.

"mom died josh."

silence again.  then a puzzled look from my dad followed by the head snap from her with a look of surprise inquiring how i would know such a thing.

"yes, your mom died this morning and we just got the call a little bit ago.  Jason knows but decided to finish his day in classes and will be home later. "


quiet again.  this time, i looked out to my left, josh to his right.

we exited the car when we pulled into our rental home and with an eager bounce in his step, josh rushed to the door and up to his room.

i took my time.  one step after another. i didn't put my back pack down. i didn't go to my room. i didn't do anything except walk to the kitchen and wait for my dad.

"can you take me back to school, please?" 

my dad looked concerned.  "if you want to go, but are you sure you want to go?"

"Yeah, I don't want to be here, i just want to go back to school.  i just want to finish my classes. and i don't want to think about it."

he didn't question me anymore, he just got his keys and coat and we headed back to school.

i watched as the wind picked up, the birds flew frantically to their nests, and the squirrels hurried across the roads to a safe place to keep them warm and tucked away.

hidden.

i wanted to go with them.

i wanted to hide in the trees, between the branches and leaves, and cover myself with leftover scraps from the road. i wanted to fly so badly to wherever the wind took me and sleep as close to the stars as i could.

as close to her as i could be.

i just wanted to be anywhere but here.

because what am i suppose to do?

here?

who do i become?

what am i suppose to do . . .
. . . without my mom on my 13th birthday?  or when i go on my first date?  who do i talk to about my first kiss? or ask questions to about my girl areas?   who is going to approve of my husband to be?  or take me dress shopping when the time comes?  who will throw me a wedding shower and cry with me as she talks about our life together?  who is going to make me feel this loved again?

what am i suppose to do when i become a mom?  and when i bring the baby home alone for the first time? or sit in the hospital waiting for her/him to be born and i am scared?

who will hold my hand and tell me that i am strong, and a woman, and God made my body to do this? who will hold my babies as i fall asleep in peace knowing they are being loved and cared for....safely?

who is gonna help me become a momma ....
when i'm not gonna have one ever again?

><>

there have been many 'seasons' shall i say in the past year that i have found myself evaluating, re-evaluating and re-re-evaluating friendship.  who are my friends? why are they my friends? who are my favorites? who do i trust? who can i count on? who is consistently there for me or sees me for me, baggage, crud, dysfunction and all. do they show me, or just tell me, that i matter to them?

i then find myself asking myself the same questions about myself: who considers me a friend? why? do they trust me? can they? can they count on me? do i show them that and not just tell them?

what i've noticed about myself during these times of evaluation, is that i turn to words of encouragement.  quotes. bible verses.  and many times the simplicity of the words gives me comfort and a sense of peace for awhile.

i need this far too often because i'm learning that no matter my age or my learnings...i still find myself insecure, having a sensitive heart and many a times, having my feelings hurt.  i do my best to show grace and mercy to others and i try, try and try again to be real with my friends.

but it hasn't always come easy.  i have lost some due to my honesty.  i have had brokenness shatter what was once a beautiful connection because i challenged them when i thought they needed it.  i have failed at allowing some of the toxic friendships to overtake my life and drain me of my good i can share with others (i have one friend who has since named these friends "emotional vampires").  i have abandoned people and separated myself from them because i simply couldn't handle giving any more than i already did.  i have had my feelings hurt because i've felt that i have showered them with kindness and time, words of affirmation and loyalty, when in return i've received the left-overs of their days.  i have been disappointed when they have excused their busy schedules as reasons not to show up for me, time and time again....but expected me to prioritize their important events and requests. i have been crushed when they don't value the friendship the way i do, therefore not leaving time in their schedules for me. i have made excuses for them....and for myself.

i am continuing to learn and re-learn the friendship qualities that i admire most ....and that i want to rid my life of.

i am continuing to be stretched in my own way of how i become and remain a genuine friend to someone.

i am having to be humbled in my own selfish needs, insecurities, wants and desires.  i am learning to show more grace to my friends, while asking for some in return.

i am also starting to recognize 'red flags' if you will of those friendships that maybe i can keep and love at a distance.  the ones where i can be the kind of person i want to be towards them....but i don't have to allow them to a place in my heart where the emotions run deep and raw.  where i am vulnerable for the taking.  i can keep a distance there so that i am able to withdraw and pause for moments....and encourage their journey while remaining on my own.

i want to be the kind of person that everyone can count on.  but i am learning that how i can keep allowing others to count on me, when i cannot count on them? how can i, as my uncle likes to say, keep withdrawing from a bank account, when i am not depositing anything?  eventually....it will run dry.

lately....i am dry.  and lonely. and having hurt feelings.  and feeling neglected and like second-best.
i am missing my mom.
i am longing for a sister....a forever, friend.

i am wishing i was valued by some the way i value them.

i am feeling like i will never find 'her' -- by bestie, the one where she relies on me as much as i rely on her...and we are connected by heart, mind and soul.

don't get me wrong..i have the dearest of dear friendships where i can count on them.  where i know their loyalty remains genuine.  where if i needed them, they would be there.  i do, and i know that.

but i kinda long for: that one.   the one that all of my 'dearest' ones...have with someone else, and usually, it's with a sister, or cousin...or best friend from childhood.  

and though i celebrate these friendships for them....i find a smidgen of insecurity, of jealousy, seep out of my heart, into my mind....
....and create a tornado of negative thoughts about myself that i can't seem to always stop.

i am hoping that this is due to the 'emotional surge' i am experiencing with being 8 months pregnant and my hormones peaking over the mountains.

but i am also realizing that it may be a little bit of my reality and dysfunction that i need to tweak.  heal. release, and let God fix within me.  Cuz He can, and i believe that.  

He has and continues to 'fix' me....to tweak me.....to adjust my thinking and make me feel whole again. i want that.

i need that.

especially for these babies.

because even though i know they'll have forever friends within each other...they will struggle with insecurity themselves, and i want to be able to have the confidence and vulnerability to share with them my own struggles, my own heart aches, my own trials, my own demons.

but encourage them with my triumphs.  the triumphs over my learning, re-learning, and un-learnings.

and maybe i'll even share with them some of my favorite quotes on friendship that give me peace in their words...comfort in their meanings....and strength in their truth. the words that remind me no matter how i am feeling towards/about/from others....i must hold myself accountable to these teachings.

because in the end, it is only myself i have to wake up to and fall asleep with. and i want to rest my head on my pillow and not be ashamed of how i treated someone else, no matter how they treated me or made me feel.  i want to feel confident (not cocky) in sharing love, grace and mercy with them, despite my own disappointments.  i want to fall asleep and wake up feeling motivated to be a better version of me...for others, than i was the day before, leaving the past behind and hopeful for the future.

i have a long way to go....but maybe, eventually, one day, i'll feel okay about the road i'm traveling....
.....just being me.


*********

"A mere friend will agree with you, but a real friend will argue."  

"spend life with who makes you happy, not who you have to impress."  

"counting other people's sins, does not make you a saint."  

"don't feel bad if people only remember you when they need you.  feel privileged you are like a candle that comes to their mind when there is darkness." 

"respect people who make time for you in their busy schedule. love people who never look at their schedule when you need them." 

**For more of my favorite sayings, you can visit here ** 

i read somewhere recently that there is a period of emotional surges of stress combined with excitement and eagerness shortly before the birth of any child.

i am there. officially.

i am so flippin' excited to meet these two, i cannot even stand it. i feel them flipping around inside my belly and poke me when i lay in a position that they don't like, or play a song that maybe they do? i'm not sure, but it's like we're starting to get to know each other a little and they are already making me smile.

at the same time, i am having moments of extreme anxiety, fear and sorrow.

i am afraid of not providing enough financial support to my hubster, our bread winner.  of not following the budget closely enough during my sleep deprived days and having us late on bills or overdraft fees hitting our account.  i am afraid of sitting down in front of the computer, ready to pay bills and plan accordingly and having that heartbeat skip when i realize there isn't enough 'stashed away.'

i am afraid of the lonely days when my mr. goes back to work and i am by myself with two little sweeties and my beautiful fur babies...wishing for a sister or my mom to still be here and come just sit with me...reminding me that i am, in fact, not alone...and have all the support i need in her presence...and God's love.

i am afraid of them not really knowing their grandma linda or uncle jason during their life. of failing miserably in the 'carrying on my mom's and brother's legacy.'  i am afraid that i will miss my mom and brother even more when the babies arrive and the ache that seeps out of my heart will re-open and the raw, not-able-to-breathe moments will arise and my heart will feel like it may stop from sorrow.  i am afraid of people judging me as i celebrate and mourn all at the same time...when life is about living...not dwelling in the pain.

i am afraid of not providing enough nutrition through my breast milk or having something be not functioning in my body in order to do so. i want so badly to have a successful and beautiful experience breastfeeding not only one, but two little miracles.

i am afraid of not loving on my animals and my first 'fur-babies' enough. i am afraid of them and the kitties feeling neglected. i want to be able to give of myself to everyone and though i know there is more than enough room in my heart to do so...can i physically?  or will i fail miserably?

i am afraid of my home falling apart.  of laundry piling up, dust collecting, grime growing and food spoiling in the fridge.  i am afraid to ask for help in areas that i am so anal and particular and quite frankly, just enjoy doing myself. i am afraid of saying no, but i am afraid of saying yes even more.

i am afraid of them, the babies, the sweet miracles i have been dreaming about and praying for...for seven years.  i am afraid they will not feel safe with me, or trust me.  i am afraid that i will not be able to show them how much i would and will do for them. i am afraid that they will not even grasp how much my heart is already bursting with love for them. i am afraid of not recognizing if there is something wrong with one of them or being told by our Dr. that i 'missed the mark.'

i am afraid of my husband feeling neglected. of not giving enough of myself, my attention, my kind emotions, my gentle touches and my heart for him to feel loved. i want him to know he is the love of my life. he is my first choice. he is my priority and i hold our marriage so ridiculously sacred i am not even sure how to begin loving him the way he deserves.

i am afraid of the brokenness that still exists between our two sides of families and the disconnect that may remain.  i am afraid of the dysfunction stressing me out.  i am afraid that healing won't take place and i'll have even more 'processing' and therapy to walk through in each of those areas...or the guilt that some of them will try to shower me with.

i am afraid of forgetting who i am and who i want to be. of the excitement i get every time i realize God is tweaking another area of my heart for the better, or challenging me to grow this way vs. that. i am afraid of being so consumed by the above that i am paralyzed and unable to take the next step forward. in friendships. in relationships. in faith.

and though i am afraid of all of these things (& even a few more), i am so excited to just get started being an everyday mom, walking the trenches, figuring it out as we go, learning the ropes, re-learning the ropes, creating new and positive habits for our family.  starting our family traditions.  i am so excited to introduce them to the world...to celebrate who God made them to be.  i am excited to learn about myself even more, to strengthen our family's boundaries, cleanse our home and 'un-learn' some of our past behaviors.

i am anticipating family snuggle nights with them and the five fur-babies, of playing on the floor in front of the fire place and drinking hot chocolate while we dream of our travel plans to Grand Marais or Montana in the Summer and Fall.

i am excited to sleep on my stomach and get a consistent 2 to 4 hours of sleep without having to pee.

i am eager to watch them learn all of their surroundings, how to be kind to animals, who Jesus is, what colors are their favorites, what a gift the outdoors are, how vegetables grow and nourish their little bodies.

i am excited to make homemade baby food and find cute deals on adorable clothes to dress them in.

i can't wait to hear their voices for the first time, through coos, squeals or even giggles.  i am excited to see what makes them tick and what their favorite things in life become.

i am anticipating the gift of connection they will introduce us to with the rest of the family members, friendships, our community.

i am excited to hear them say puppy, papa, mamma, kitty, ...you name it.

i am excited for God to open my eyes to some heart findings, new learnings, discoveries and beautiful moments that He continues to gift us with through their little lives.

i am excited for the look that the mr. and i will give each other across the room when we realize that our life is better than we could have ever dreamed because it is so full.  with them, these babies, our fur-babies, and all our gifts of life within our home. and we smile.  and my heart wants to cry tears of gratitude.

i am excited to hear their cries as they enter this world and realize that life, as we know it, will never ever ever be the same...and our dreams are just beginning.

i can't wait for the Dr. to tell us they are healthy and gaining weight.  that they are feeding well and to keep on keepin' on.

i am excited for them to point to a picture of their uncle, or their grandma and know exactly who they are...and then look to the skies and smile, knowing they have two angels in heaven watching over them.

i am afraid and excited and everything in between.  and even though i realize that this may or may not be normal...it is me.  it is what is filling my heavy heart, my full mind and my growing soul.

and i am trusting that God will give me the peace i need today to put aside the fears and hold onto the confirmations.

and that "the will of God will never take me, where the grace of God will not protect me."

Amen.

30 weeks & counting . . .

dear sweet babies, 

we went to our 30 week ultrasound last thursday and got to watch you move and kick and squirm and keep hiding your faces from us. your daddy is so (sweetly) frustrated that you have always hid your little profiles for the last 7 months and we've been able to try and see you once a month! i just giggle and think, we've waited seven years for you two, and we have a whole lifetime ahead of us to stare at your gorgeous selves, we can wait a few more weeks.  keep us guessing little ones! 

the dr. said everything looked really good, the placentas, the amniotic fluid, your little bodies, the fuzzes on your head (yep, we even saw the first signs of your hair!), my blood pressure.  our only concern at this point is that i was diagnosed with gestational diabetes and we find out today if i have to start taking insulin (*Insert sad face here).  i can't seem to get my fasting (which is my blood sugar levels as i sleep) to come down and my dr. assures me that it is completely out of my control...

we're at that point now where if i do have to start taking insulin, there will be even more dr. visits and more visits to the hospital...more 'cautionary' procedures and many many more people looking after you two.  i have to admit, as disappointed as i initially was that i was gonna have to drive two to three (or more) times a week to the city ...i am now relieved.  because we are in that 'danger zone' where we need you to keep holdin' on in there, growing some more and developing your little organs.  and the relief comes from the fact that we have extra special care that so many other mommas don't get. it's something i will never take for granted and am thanking God for as I fall asleep and when I wake up in the mornings. thank heavens for extra angels watching over you two...it takes a lot of pressure off of me and my worry meter goes down.

on another note, we finished your bedroom! yes, we managed to squeeze all the decor, furniture and baby accessories we could in there.  it is so cheery and peaceful and organized and full of love.  your dresser is from your uncle jason who is (one of) your guardian angels in heaven.  we refinished it and your grandpa Percy smoothed out and worked on the drawers so that they would open and close quietly and nicely while you slept and i did laundry.  it is so beautiful you two, i can't wait for you to see it! 

even more so, i can't wait to watch you grow in there. i can picture it now: i will lay you two together for the first few months in the same crib until you can start grabbing each other and then it's off to your own.   i can't wait for the mornings when i wake up and hear you cooing or talking to each other through the bars and waiting for your momma or papa to come and get you to start the day. i can't wait for you to get excited to see your puppies (Eve & Ivy) or your kitties (Patience, Willow & Harley) each morning and not only receive but give kisses right back to them.  i can't wait to watch you explore your toys and read your books on the rocker/recliner (we're still waiting for this final & wonderful piece of furniture in your room).  i can't wait to help you recognize yourselves in the big mirror above your dresser and for you to smile like you do for the camera that will be in your faces all of the time.  i can't wait to snuggle your fuzzy heads and kiss your soft necks, to listen to you breathe and watch you discover all there is to know about life.  

i can't wait to just get to know each of you.  who God made you to be.  your authentic, beautiful and individual selves.  i can't wait for you to change my world from good to great.  

i can't wait ....

.......for life with the two of you. 

i love you deeply. 

xo

your momma 

dear jason,

tomorrow, october 5, 2012 marks your 38th birthday.  can you believe it, 38?! you would have probably actually dreaded this day.  you weren't really much for celebrating turning a year older. though you never complained, i just remember your face when i'd ask you how old you were.  you never gave me the death look or the be quiet, sister look.  you simply gave me the look.  the look of; please not now, cuz you'll understand one day. i promise.

and i do. officially. i understand the whole turning a year older and not having it excite me anymore.  or missing nights of sleep prior to the big day like we did when we were toddlers.  now i just look at another birthday and i'll be honest, i celebrate the life i've been given and the gift of another year from God.

but gosh, it also makes me miss you that much more too.  it makes me miss you and how you would call all day until you got a hold of me to wish me, personally, the happy birthday you said i deserved. and i could hear the smile on your face.  no matter how tough your day had been, or how busy you were, or what you had going on....it was a day you made time for me...to speak to me ... and to tell me happy birthday.

i find myself falling asleep on my birthdays with my phone near my ear and the vibrate turned off just waiting for your call.  yes, still.  and when i wake up, i think...he's not calling, nerd.  he can't.

but that's beside the point.  today, your day, it's about you.  celebrating your life.  the life you lived.  the legacy you left behind. and the life i'm gonna live...honoring you as my brother forever in heaven.

i promise you that. i promise to never, ever, ever forget your smile. or the heart you wore wide open for everyone to have a piece of.

i promise to never forget the details of what made you....you.  my big brother.

i promise to always talk about you to your future nieces/nephews and to ensure they love & celebrate their uncle jason as much as i do.

i promise to tell them about all those details of you, so it's as if they'll already know you when it's their turn to meet you in heaven.

i promise to not glorify you, as i know you'd hate that.  you weren't perfect...who is?!, you'd say.
you ate too slow, you talked too much at dinner, you drank too much pepsi, you worked too hard, you spent money on movies and games and dvd's that are still alphabetically organized in a box in my basement.  you kept your mouth shut too often and let the hurts seep out of you when the volcano would erupt.  you loved quickly and deeply.  you cared, often times, too much.  you put others first and always before yourself.  you gave away your last dollars and never thought twice about it. you never stuck up for yourself, but always for your brother and sister. you were, and still are, one of the most caring, loving and kind people i have ever met dear brother.  ever.

i still am trying to learn from you, from your mistakes. and so many times i wish i could call you and talk through them with you.  because you'd never make me feel ashamed or less because of my oops...rather, you'd stop whatever you were doing, drive anywhere i needed you to and knock at my front door to tell me that i'm gonna be okay.

you had the ability to care for others and the loyalty of friendship that i can only pray my children will one day have. i pray i can teach them the balance of giving and asking...but always giving more. like you.  though i think your giving of yourself is what, ultimately, depleted your strength, i also think it was your best quality ever. no matter the time of day, the moment you were enjoying, the lack of money you had, the kind of day you lived....if anyone needed a friend....they could count on you.

thank you for that.  thank you for always being my best and most favorite listener.  thank you for always having a gentle way to say life would be okay.  thank you for caring so passionately.  thank you for teaching me what selflessness really means. i pray my children will have pieces of their uncle in them. i pray i will have pieces of my brother in me.

because no matter what faults you may have carried with you, no matter what shameful mistakes you may have made.  No matter how many quirks or flaws you painted yourself with...and no matter how many demons you were running from...you were a beautiful person, a beautiful man, a beautiful brother.  and you will always be....a beautiful uncle.

i will miss you in the weeks to come, when my two miracles come into this world. my heart will be bursting with love and joy and gratitude like i have never felt before. i will weep tears of thanksgiving to God for these two children He chose me to be the momma of.  I will.  

but i will also weep tears of sorrow in the night, as i lay in my hospital bed and i look in their face and i think of you.  i will shed many tears from a longing to have you here still, in human form, and wishing i could watch as you walked into the hospital room with my favorite smile of all time, plastered across your face and holding balloons....leaping to hold them first.  to rock them.  to talk to them. and then to hug me and whisper an encouragement word of praise for what grew inside of me....our newest family members.

i will think of you, as the lights are dim and everyone is sleeping...as i listen to the beeps in the hospital and i stare at these perfect creatures ...
....and i will miss you.

but i will honor you in their birth and their lives too.  i will talk about you.  i will paint your picture in their minds.  and i will tell them that one day, in the far far future...they will get to meet you...and they will know immediately who you are.

because every holiday that passes, won't be spent mourning.  or weeping. or crying tears of longing.  but celebrating.

celebrating the gift of life today.  the gift of your spirit.  the gift of your life that their momma, was so blessed to be a part of.

and every October 5th....we will open some pepsi, eat some pizza and do something you would have loved to do. and we will do it together...because that was the best part of being your sister.  the part where no matter what we did, or how we did it, or how little money we had to do it with....you always reminded us that it was about being together...and that was what made you genuinely happy.

your eyes always confirmed it too.  your genuine, loving and truthful eyes.  i still remember them.
especially when you smiled.

there isn't a day that passes when i don't think of you.  sometimes i cry...and sometimes i smile.

i often look up at the clear night sky and close my eyes and breathe in the crisp air when i think of you most jay.  and then, when i open my eyes again..i see a twinkle of a star and i know you're there.

it's as if you knew i needed that twinkle-wink & to be reminded that my life is to be lived.  that we will see each other again.  and that you will always be with me.

thank you for today brother jason.  for your birthday.   for your life that i got to be a part of.

you lived it well.

happy birthday brother.

xoxo
me