friday mini letters

dear me:
don't take a picture looking directly into the sun. for real. even with sunglasses on, everyone can still see your eyes closed.

dear mr:
i love you more everyday. thank you for telling me i'm beautiful and talking about these babies every hour with me. i am so excited to watch them fall in love with their daddy.

dear snow:
i miss you.  seriously.  see above in background.  come visit more this year, will ya? and maybe soon?

dear summer:
i've tried.  and tried. and tried to embrace you. but you've been hard on our brown grass, not allowed our veggies to grow and made us stay inside all of the time.  maybe drop the temp 10 degrees, will ya? i easily forgive. :)

dear main bathroom:
you are almost done! new paint. new painted vanity. new accessories. minimal dollars.  the babies are gonna love you!

dear nursery:
i am getting to you soon! painting will be done next week.  then we buy your cribs.  we can't wait! it'll be like Christmas in August!!!

dear animals:
i love each of you so much. and for real believe we have the coolest ones on this planet. thanks for being your special selves and I VOW to make sure you're paid attention to just as much when the wee-ones arrive.

dear belly:
i have officially embraced you. and don't care that it has now become a daily occurrence for someone to say, "wow, when are you due?" "are you sure there are only two in there?!"  seriously. i love what you are doing for our sweet and long awaited miracles.  keep growin!

dear sleep:
i never really cherished you before.  i am sorry for that.  if you want to visit a couple times before november, i will document you in my journal and hold you dear to my heart. promise.

dear style:
what little of you i had, i've lost again! wanna visit soon? and maybe with some green cash so i can update you? oh yeah, can you come and dress up a large balloon? that'd be swell.

dear mr:
what can i say, i smile thinking of how special you've made me feel these past few months. can you believe that we're gonna have 2 new family members one day soon?! they are gonna love you....but probably never more than I.  just sayin'

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my first pregnancy list

since i'm trying to get more disciplined about writing down my pregnancy feelings, daily musings and everything in between, i figured i'd better write about what it's been like being pregnant.

my honest feelings.  and a few of my favorite things.  i know that it may seem silly now, but i am convinced one day i will genuinely cherish that i did this.

belly oil :: i use this stuff religiously.  like right after i shower.  and right before i go to bed. and they even have a line that has a mild fragrance for an aroma therapy feeling.  i bought all three and have fallen the most in love with the CALM, lavender pear.  i tend to use that one at night when my tummy is tight and i'm feeling a little off.  it works like a charm, and (knock on wood) no stretch marks thus far.

yoga :: i started a prenatal yoga class a few weeks ago at a YMCA near our home and have loved it! it only meets once a week, but i am bound and determined to find a good dvd to do daily because of how good i feel after i stretch for those 60 minutes.  i tell ya, i have always appreciated stretching...but with an abnormally large belly, a tight lower back and muscles that ache in places i never really paid attention to before, stretching for a lengthy period of time makes me feel free-flowing and amazing.


Chiropractor :: i never really visited a chiropractor before. and i wish i wouldn't have waited so long. i've always struggled a little with sciatic nerve pain and at times it has become very limiting in allowing me to walk/run/exercise when i want to.  Well, my first trimester i have to say besides being tired, the only "issue" or "symptoms" i had were increasing sciatic pain.  it was so bad, that i would cry almost daily and not be able to move far from the couch or walk anywhere in my house. so i prayed and talked with people and had a couple friends encourage me to see a chiropractor. I took their advice, and here i am 5 1/2 months in and i've never felt this good before.  in fact, i go for two and three walks a day, plus do yoga, plus stuff around the house and it doesn't even flare up! I have decided after more research and my own experience, i will continue seeing my chiro once a week throughout my whole pregnancy to keep my lower back aligned and my pregnancy as healthy in a natural way as possible. Cheers to chiros!!


Quiet Time :: i've always enjoyed reading, but have tried to do so more often during these past few months.  i figured, now's the time, right? once these little ones come, my free time will be limited and i'll be using every "extra" time i have to probably catch up on sleep (or housework).  for fun, i finished the 50 shades trilogy in almost less than a week. holy moly. i loved every book. now i just need to find another fun, brainless read. :)   i am, however, also a huge believer in reading for knowledge. i feel like the more personal research and information i gather, the more options i have in my 'life bucket' to pull from when the time is needed.  and don't all parents say, "what works for some, doesn't work for everyone, so find what works for YOU and YOUR family?"  well, that's my plan.  so i'm reading everything from vaccine info, to sleeping routine suggestions, to parenting magazines, and of course the  nursery decor inspiration (gotta throw a little eye candy in there). ;) it's been wonderful talking through all this info with the hubs and we've had some amazing discussions surrounding how we want to parent and our dreams for our babies. *now i'm just looking for twin inspiration.

Sleep :: one of the many things moms and others tell "moms-to-be" is make sure to listen to your body. so going into this pregnancy, i decided to do just that.  well, for most things, i didn't really have a choice.  take sleep for example.  never have I, in all my years on this earth, been a napper.  seriously. don't like them. hate sleeping during the day. don't believe in them for anyone like myself.  until i became pregnant and couldn't make it through the lunch hour without having to lay down on the couch (or our bed) and let myself rest.  i would, no joke, sleep for 3 1/2 hours straight and wake up even more tired. it was hard for me to 'accept' and get used to, but i did what i was told and listened to my body, and allowed myself to sleep when needed.  i am growing two humans, right?


Cravings :: this was another strange adjustment for me. i love, love, LOVE sugar. candy. and anything sweet.  i needed it daily and often called myself a sugar addict.  until a few months ago.  i actually can't eat sweets.  or more than a bite or two of dessert.  it just is too sweet.  even the hubs has done double takes and been like, "wow, these babies are really changing your taste buds!"  *insert singing voice* awesome!!!!!!!  yep, i am a lucky gal.  the only cravings i've had are apples.  and when i want an apple, i want it now.  and maybe a second one.  or third.  like, if i don't get it or have one in my fridge, i'm gonna die.
i feel ridiculously spoiled.


Emotions :: i am a ball of them. i cry over happy stuff. i stress out over making everyone happy. i worry about my animals liking their life. i am ridiculously carefree one day, not caring about the small stuff.  and then the next, i feel like my house is in shambles and just blew up before my eyes.  you get the idea.   i have cried because i've been all of the above.  but mostly i have just laughed.  i always say, "i'm losin' it," and then shake my head.  the one thing i am consistently and most importantly feeling is an obscene amount of hope.  hope for a future filled with (trials yes) joy and anticipation, growth and love.  a future where i can say hello and not goodbye.  a future where i will watch my little miracles become people and find out more about who they are each and every day.  i am so hopeful in their lives and what God will do with them. What His plan is for them.  it's insane to think about how He has their purpose already planned and He's knitting them together, cell by cell, in my warm and dark womb. it, in all honesty, takes my breath away.  and i tear up.  and i'm filled with a gratitude like i've never known before.  to Him.  for choosing me.  and the mr.  to become their mom and dad during our lives on this earth.  thank you Jesus.  thank you.  thank you.  thank you.

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first letter to the babies

i've seen and stumbled upon so many letters that moms write to their babies when they're pregnant and for so many years i would read these and smile.  and then i would go into a tail spin of tears.  i wanted that love feeling so bad. i wanted that baby so bad. i wanted that tummy so so bad.

and then God decided, in His perfect timing (yes, i am aware it is much easier to say in hindsight) that He would bless us with not one, but two little miracles.

so here i am, sitting here this morning on this cloudy and rainy day and all i can think about is becoming a momma.  and these little angels.  and how much i can't wait to meet them . . .
. . . and talk to them.

so i figured i would give it a shot and write them their first letter. i still have some of the letters my mom wrote to me before she died, and let me tell you something: i cherish them. i read them, and re-read them.  i hold them by my heart when i am missing her.  and i am so very thankful she wrote down her words for me to have forever.

one day, i hope these two will cherish my words like i cherish my mom's.  and maybe it'll show them a little more about me. and how deeply and unconditionally and insanely . . . they are already loved.

* * * * * *

good morning my little angel babies!

did you know that since i saw you for the first time, alive, well, kicking and moving around last week, i wake up every single morning and smile thinking about you?

it's true. i do.

and i think, wow, we're one day closer to your arrival into this great big world and our teeny tiny, blessed home.

you are already bringing such feelings of joy and hope and excitement to your dad and i. we talk about you everyday. your dad kisses my belly and says, 'good morning babies!' and then rubs your little souls with his gentle hand.

and then he picks some music for the morning to play on his radio for you to listen to (i really hope at least one of you falls in love with music! because your daddy will be so ecstatic to share that special bond, i think he might even do a cartwheel).

i've tried to keep myself busy throughout the day finishing projects around the house (we had our first ever garage sale last weekend, are cleaning the basement, re-decorating the main bathroom [Your bathroom], eventually will do your room and a couple tid bits of things here and there).  i think keeping myself busy preparing our home for your arrival lets me think that i'll worry less about the home and more about spending every single second admiring you two.

at least that is what i hope.

because you'll soon learn something about your momma that is one of my strengths...but definitely one of my weaknesses too: i am an organized, neat freak.

*gasp*

but don't worry, my priorities are straight and when you arrive...you will become my morning, noon and night and we will enjoy our minutes and hours together.  and one day, i hope you'll turn up the music that you've grown (or been born loving) to love and we'll dance our way around the house, dusting, vacuuming, cleaning and organizing....and you'll begin to appreciate how very much it helps our home run smoothly. ;)

you are 20 weeks littles ones.  and even though the doctors are pushing you to stay put in that little space in my tummy until 36 weeks, they also tell us to, "be ready (meaning bags packed, cribs up, etc) at 28 weeks and on.  I know!  that is a difference between meeting you two months from now . . .
. . . or four months from now.

and as much as i'd love to meet you in 8 short weeks (time flies little ones), i am hoping for your sweet selves that your guardian angels keep you tucked and cozy in there for at least four.

i want you healthy!  and ready to come home as soon as you can.

so i promise to keep walking and staying healthy.
i promise to keep rubbing oil on my belly to absorb so it can stretch as far as it needs to for your comfort.
i promise to eat less sugar and more fruit, nutritious meals and drink gobs and gobs of water.
i promise to try to conquer these hormones and keep my heart beating regularly for your peace of mind.

i promise to do everything in my power to assist in yours. but most importantly, i promise to pray each and every day for you.  for thanksgiving and gratitude for your lives. for your safe keeping and well being.  for your current and future days.

i am filled with a love for you that i only hope will shine through when we meet. because if you can hear my heartbeat now little ones, i hope that sound stays with you forever and ever.  because it will only get louder and more consistent.  and those pulses already . . . beat for you both.  harder and softer and louder than they ever have before.  

xo

and now i feel it . . .

see my toes? yep, and that big round blob? -- yeah, that's my 5 month baby belly.  can you believe it?! giant i know.  and it's official where i can say with sincerity that i am embracing and loving every single minute of how large it is growing. 

because as much as i hate to admit this, a couple months ago, i was struggling. 

struggling with my self image.

struggling with the idea that my body was getting ginormous. 

struggling with the feeling of feeling 'fat' when all i was doing was growing humans. 

two humans that is. 

i would catch my belly out of the corner of my eye when i would be laying on the couch and say to myself, "wow jac, you've really let yourself go."  and then I'd have to remind myself, wait, you're pregnant lady! and with twins!!!  for some reason, it never really sunk in. 

if you would have asked me a year ago, i would have almost cried when i heard other pregnant women complain about their struggles with their changing bodies.  i would have said very quickly, "i would give anything to be in your shoes right now!"  and i would have meant it. 

so when i started to struggle with the concept that strangers would stop me and ask me, "oh gosh, are you almost due?"  or "wow, you're as big as i got with both my kids and you have a whole trimester left!"  and so on, i felt this overwhelming guilt. 

a guilt that would wash over me with the idea that i was struggling with my growing body.  but for some reason, every time i would think about why i was struggling with my growing belly, it was never genuinely out of vanity or my fear of losing my figure.  it was never, now all my cute clothes don't fit. nope, it was never those. 

so what was it?! 

i think i've officially figured it out. 

and only because i turned a corner last thursday.  

a corner when i saw this: 

and then i saw this:

and i started to cry.  and the ultrasound tech first smiled a warm, congratulations smile.  and then looked at me out of the corner of her eyes when she realized i wasn't stopping. 

i began to pray at that moment. Thank you Lord. Thank you. thank you. Thank you. please keep them safe. please, please, please.  but for now, thank you. i cannot believe how good you have been to us.  they are perfect already ... in every single way. 

and i got it. 

and then i went to the bathroom to pee. 

and i saw my belly, my reflection in the mirror, my growing self, my rounded face, my tight shirt. 

and i teared up again. 

*enough with the crying, hey? i know, i know. 

but it sunk in.  

i didn't mind my face.  i didn't mind that the shirt i was wearing would very soon become too small and that i would need to buy more clothes.  i didn't even think i was "gaining weight." 

i realized, truth be told and known for the past five months...that even though the blood work proved it and my body revealed it: 

i was, officially, actually, 

pregnant. 

now, you may think to yourself, seriously? this girl just now realized this? come on. 

but for real.  i think that was my problem. 

i think, i know, that i was holding my breath until i saw them move and exist on that screen. 

i hadn't felt them move inside me yet...and i still couldn't fathom that our dream was coming true. and even though i'd pray for peace and acceptance, i think there was a piece of my mind that wanted to hold captive those feelings of excitement and hope and love ...because i was afraid. 

fear. 

i hate fear. 

it really wastes time and energy and precious, precious life doesn't it? 

but it got me.  and it got the best of me. 

and though i try to resist it as much as i can on a daily basis.  

it won. 

i sorta wasted these past few months not believing. 

not believing in the gift that had been promised to me this past year. 

not believing that my life could be filled with joy and celebration and anticipation of good, not sorrow.

not believing that God remembered who i was or where i lived.

not believing that a God as good as my God, would love me enough to gift me the life of a child.

yet, He is so good, He gifted me with two.  two! 

and i was humbled.  

hence the tears in the bathroom. 

and the tears since. 

humbled with a gratitude i've never really understood before.  

for His gift of mercy. 

His gift of love.

His gift of grace. 

His gift of life...two lives!!! 

I am so undeserving, and yet He aligned my deepest desires with His timing and gifted me with double the gifts that is still . . . 

. . . sweeping me off my feet. 

And my body is growing. 

and I am growing two humans! 

and i am embracing and enjoying having a round face

and swollen feet

and an achey back.

heartburn and a stretching belly reminds me daily that i have life inside of me. 

Life!!! 

it's surreal.

and though i'm still wrapping my head around the idea that i am this blessed. 

or that He loves me this much. 

or that He chose me to be these babies' mama, 

i am falling more in love with these angels every single day. 

and Him. 

I am falling in love with a God who continues to awe me. 

and surprise me.

and love me. 

and never let go of my hand. 

He is so so good to me.  Too good to me. 

and I am so undeserving. 

But I'll take it! 

and I'll never ever ever forget to give Him all the glory! 

PRAISE BE TO GOD!!!! 

"We would worry less if we praised more.  Thanksgiving is the enemy of discontentment and dissatisfaction." 

-Harry Ironside

If you really knew me . . .

*One of my favorite blogs, Storyofmylife, wrote a post just like this one and I am absolutely copying her. I loved it because it's one of those things that not only do you get share a bit more of your personal & quirky self, but you get to celebrate your own individuality!

If you really knew me…

+ You’d know I wear a retainer to bed, every.single.night AND I have to brush my teeth before I even leave my bedroom in the morning.

+ You’d know I'm ridiculously afraid of storms, especially when my Mr. is out of town.

+You'd know I love animals usually more than humans. I miss my dogs when I leave them even for a couple hours and can't wait to see them anytime we're apart. Even with children on the way, my love for animals lies deep within my soul. I've been fearful (but often joked) that my children will one day say to me, "you love the dogs more than you love me!" 

+ You’d know I am in love with techno and dance music. I even want it played at my funeral.

+ You'd know I am extremely and obsessively critical of myself. 

+ You’d know I am a worry wort.  My mom used to call me it. I am still it.  I meditate, pray, run (when i'm not prego) meet with a therapist bi-weekly & yet I can't seem to not worry. I think it's just in my blood. 

+ You'd know I love to laugh. And loudly. And sometimes, I laugh when I'm uncomfortable or insecure....because laughter and humor always make me feel better and get my heart beating regular again. I think people don't always know what to do with me when I find humor in difficult times, but it's how I deal. 


+ You’d know I'm extremely anal. Everything has it's place.  And even though I'm learning to relax on some things (umm, hello, we have twins on the way) I will definitely stay organized and make time to do so. It makes me tick, it calms my anxieties (see above worry statement) and I honestly believe that teaching children to make their beds or put things back where they came from or bring their dish to the sink is a good thing. 

+ You’d know I hate pictures of myself. And I am not photogenic. I'm not an envious person, but I do get jealous of those who can "make a memory" and capture it with a photo and just look like themselves: happy and beautiful. not me. So I don't have very many pictures where I'm in it and I dream of the day when I will conquer that "issue" for I want my children to love the camera.  

+ You’d know I have a head filled with songs. Let me explain: sometimes, I just break out into song (and no, I have zero singing ability, I just really enjoy it) and everything and anything, moments and statements, remind me of some song....so I'll change the original lyrics up or just include them into a "moment."  It makes the toughness of life seem a little less tough and a lot more whimsical. Yes, I am weird. 

+ You’d know I dream of becoming an author. Writing a memoir. Writing everyday for a living to be honest.  But again, am deathly afraid of criticism and the brutality that comes with putting yourself out there.  I am praying and working that out, for I believe words and vulnerability connect people together.  And we definitely need more of that in this world. 

+ You’d know I am extremely low maintenance but dream of being more fashion forward one day. I live in comfortable clothing, wear only mascara and hardly blow dry my hair. I love long hair that gals let hang, but you'll always find me pulling my own back into a ponytail/bun. I love cute/comfy clothes and flats. I love showing off beautiful hair and I love accessories (cute bags, rings and fun earrings {i can't wear necklaces, they irritate my neck} ) One improvement at a time . . .  


+ You’d know I am too sensitive.  Though I try my hardest to become healthier, draw clearer boundaries and dream of the day I can exude confidence....I am still struggling.  I get my feelings hurt easily and fear all the people that may not like me. 

+ You’d know I am not a snuggler while I sleep. I need my space.  And even though I love to hug and be close throughout the day, and absolutely love having the mr. lay next to me so I can reach across and touch him at any point throughout the night, he only dreams about me letting him rest his muscular, heavy and overly heated arm around my waist while we sleep. 

+ You’d know I am obsessed with good smelling hand soap.  And candles. And baskets. I buy them anytime I have extra money.  For real. 


+ You'd know I want to live on a water, with a huge yard and a hobby-ish farmette. I want my animals to roam free, my husband to think that being home is his vacation, my kids to have all their friends over to play air hockey in our barn loft, swim and ice skate on our portion of the water and let the pups run in and out of the house, jump in the lake and lounge in the sand. I am determined to make this dream come true. 

+ You'd know there is not a day where I am not thankful.  Having lost my mom and brother so young, and walking many other treacherous paths through life . . . I, to a fault, protect those I love with extreme caution and awareness. I don't get mad easily and try to think the best of others always. I am appreciative for each given day and often times will write my list of gratitude on my facebook page or in my journal. It reminds my heart to embrace the now. 


Now your turn...visit Jenni's blog ... see how cool she is, or leave me a note so I can meet you & what makes you sail so beautifully! 


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