day 17 :: a favorite photo

and here we go, three days behind (again). sorry.

but i will write all the topics and i will enjoy them and it is still forcing me to write.  and that's the point, right?  i am just surrendering to the fact that i may be a little bit behind.
kind of like the girl who finishes last in the race, but still finished.
i always felt bad for her, but i was always impressed with her will.

so my hope in finishing 'last,' is that i'll still have people cheering me on at the finish line.

day 17's topic is a favorite photo of yourself and why.

this one, is tough for me too because i am not the least bit photogenic. i hate the camera in my face, and when i see pictures of myself, i start to see a giant head that morphed into something it probably isn't but my psyche wants me to think so.

you get the picture, right?  i have self image issues.
major issues.

but i will play by the rules and post a picture.
and this picture is probably one of my favorites, not because i think i look marvelous (i'm clearly a mess),

but because it is the memory i have of the first time i felt the love a mother feels for a child when she holds them for the first time. 

this is the little foster daughter we picked up from the hospital when she was five days old, and this was me in the nursery, feeding her a bottle and promising to love her more and more every day for as long as we were able to have her. 

i miss her....but i am so glad i have this picture.  

because every time i see it, i can still feel those feelings. 

and the rush of emotions my heart felt when i thought it was going to explode out of my chest. 

day16

the writing journey continues and day 16's topic is something difficult in your life and how you're trying to overcome it.

hmmm....
this one is tough for me. i don't feel like i want to dwell on the past seasons of death, infertility, divorce, etc.  i feel as though each of those seasons was and is so important in the constant building and rebuilding of who God wants me to be, continue to be, change and grow into.

but, writing these daily topics is meant for us to be honest right?  so i'm going to be.

the thing i struggle with and have a difficult time 'overcoming' per say is the loss of both my mom and brother.

it's interesting because i've officially lived longer without my mom than with her, but since these babies were born, i probably miss her more now than ever too.

and my brother, well, we had the typical brother-sister relationship.  i annoyed him. he frustrated me.  but we were each other's allies and each other's confidants.  we just got each other, what it was like to miss our mom and how difficult some of our dad's decisions were to live with.

and the girls, i miss them not knowing or seeing their uncle every day.  because he was that kind of uncle.

present.
loyal.
loving.
and there.

i know that they are 'there in spirit,' i know that i will teach my girls about them.
i know that every time i look at little maelyn, i think she is his daughter...because she looks exactly like her uncle jason.
i know that svea's middle name: jason-fay represents her grandmother and uncle and she will have that forever.

but i also know not having either of them here, to walk this journey with me, is probably my toughest 'lot' i'm dealing with.

and each day, i am dealing with it.  grieving it.  celebrating them.
and trying to figure out how the rest of the days are going to go . . .
. . . without two of my favorite people in them.

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a day in the life of me + her + her + them( the fur babies)

man, i suck at this whole blog every day for a month.  ugg. sometimes i get so frustrated with myself, but then i remember i have to surrender to the reality of being a mom to twin infants and how much that is my priority and my love.  so i'll write when i can and follow along.

and that's about all i can do.  but today, i'm going to try and document my day in a post of pictures, taken each hour. we'll see how it goes....then i'll hit 'publish' tonight before going to bed.  hopefully you'll see how my day gets away from me, can be a bit mundane, but keeps me busy with glee.

6:00  -- wake up

7:00  -- play & open up the house (feed dog/cats, misc chores, water flowers & veggies)

8:00  -- nap time (or at least an attempt at it)

9:00  --  eat our first 'meal' (usually fruit pureed)

10:00  -- chiro appt

11:00 -- just getting home from running errands

12:00 -- snuggle time with the fur loves

1:00 -- eat our lunch/afternoon meal (butternut squash & prunes)

2:00 -- make some sun tea

3:00 -- Afternoon walk in this gorgeous weather (turned out terribly, but that's a story for another day)

4:00 -- attempted this - only have 17 more baskets to go!

5:00 -- visiting with the girls' godmother, & wearing her gifts she brought back from Disney!

6:00 -- one more numbing of their poor teething gums before bed

7:00 --  and they're out!

8:00 -- close up the house, chores, clean up, let the cats sit on the window one last time & get some good eats (& wine of course)

Catch Up:: Day 12, 13 & my favorite so far: my happy list

so the daily writing journey continues & this particular 'catch up' day may be a bit long.  but, i committed to every day and since mothering took priority the past couple days, this daily effort went to the back burner.  sorry bout' that.

anyway, to keep writing on each of the topics, here's day 12 :: i miss . . .

these two:

my brother and mom. 

every single day.  my brother would have been the best uncle in the whole world and my mom the best grandmother.  i wish on a star they could be here to play, snuggle, talk, encourage, cheer-on and watch my two beauties grow. 

but you know what i also miss?  i miss the innocence and the ease of childhood.  i miss the days that were always too long, because recently, i just wish i could add hours to the days. i miss the days where my biggest worries at night were whether i would be invited to the popular birthday party at school. because my most recent worries are horrific and terrifying and involve losing these little miracles, my hubs, my animals, and any tragic event that happens on television: could that happen to me? 

i hate that i'm like this. and i know i'll continue to work on not living in fear.  but it's true.  i miss the days when the two of them were alive and my life was play dates, after school snacks, too long of days, tiny nightmares and whether my brothers and i would be forced to play monopoly the next day instead of watching tv. 

*************

day 13: issue a public apology 

dear mom, 

you always taught me never to say 'hate.'  It was too strong of a word and could really hurt someone you would say.  well, remember that time, the only time, when i was young and emotional, hormonal and dramatic? it was about a year before you died and you made me get off the phone, and grounded me for something else.  basically we had a bad day all together, and i was, probably very deserving of it, getting into quite a bit of trouble.  well, yeah, i yelled down the hall at you right before i slammed my bedroom door and i told you i hated you. remember that?  

i'm so sorry mom. i'm so sorry for the harsh words. i didn't mean them and i wish so badly i could take them back.  no excuses, no butts, no extra angry words, no trying to get out of it...just a simple, i am deeply, genuinely, utterly sorry. 

i'm so sorry for hurting you mom. 

love,

jaclyn

************

and finally, day 14:: 10 things that make me really happy! 

1.) my daughters, Svea & Maelyn. their giggles, their cries, their constantly moving feet, their smiles. their eyes. their little fingers and toes and ears. their sweet noses. their observing and taking in every single thing around them. i haven't felt this much joy since i was 12. i am living my dream.

2.) my dogs, Eve & Ivy.  eve - my soul mate.  my bestest friend. my loyal companion, strong willed and tenacious girl.  she keeps me going every day.  Ivy, my snuggler, my lover, my sweet and ridiculously smart lady. my walking buddy. she teaches and re-teaches me about unconditional love day in and day out. 

ivy

eve

3.) iced chais.  i used to drink the ones from Starbucks: iced grande, seven-pump, non-fat, easy ice chai please. yikes. and then i got gestational diabetes when i was pregnant.  and then the babies didn't like dairy when i was nursing.  so i found this organic & natural chai and combined it with almond milk. just a 50/50 ratio in my cup filled with ice; top it with a little cinnamon and this girl is a happy camper.  the babies don't seem to mind it. and i am smiling after my first sip. yes, i'm being serious. 

4.) exercise.  i wish i didn't love it. and i wish i didn't need it.  but i do. and i love even more, how i feel after it.  whether it's a stroll, a brisk walk, a run, yoga, or an exercise class -- my brain is on a high when i am done and i can't live without it. period.  it makes me a better person.

5.) my cats, Willow, Patience & Harley. i love, Love, LOVE my cats.  i wish cats in general had a better reputation, cuz they rock. come meet them someday, you'll fall in love, i promise.  and to be honest, i should say i am obsessed with animals in general. i could go on and on about this one.  but i'll save you the weepiness. let's just say: i typically like animals more than humans (though mommy-hood is giving me a more compassionate heart towards humans) and i will fight to the death to protect animals of all shapes and sizes.  i wish humans weren't invading their land. and i hope to give millions to organizations out to save them & their natural habitat one day.  i dream big for them, and i won't ever stop. 

patience

willow (left) & harley (right)

6.) good music playing in the background while yummy candles are burning.  unless it's 80 degrees outside, then skip the candles. 

7.) green grass, blue skies, bright flowers, crystal water & white waves.  

8.) new cookbooks, kitchen appliances, dishes and anything that makes my kitchen cheery & bright. 

9.) cute postage stamps, hand written cards, letters and notes. i love writing them, but i also love opening my mailbox and getting them too. :) 

10.) soft, fuzzy, baby-worthy big people blankets. squishy, velvety and warm blankets.

day 11: 10 words

Sell yourself in 10 words or less --- eek! i hate doing this.

okay, only because i committed to this daily thing.  please know i am the least vane person out there. seriously.

forgiving // compassionate // organized // hopeful // dreamer // loyal // honest // authentic // quirky // growing

and just for fun, 4 girls that make me a better person::

day 9 :: a moment in my day

i can't pick just one.

these Spring days that have showered us with sunshine, warmth, blooming flowers, sun-kissed shoulders, green grasses and energy we've been longing for, are so filled with joy that i have to share a few of my moments that have my heart strings dancing around like hummingbirds near sweet nectar.

i can't help it.  this spring is probably my favorite so far.  and i have these two to thank.

 we started the morning with a quiet sunday drive up & down the gorgeously green-lined streets, where everyone still slept. 

then we came back home to play & find our feet. . . 

and practice sitting up . . . 

we took a long walk where the fresh air either made us really giddy or fall fast asleep . . . 

and we ended our perfect day playing outside on our porch & drooled with glee. 

this girl keeps taking my breath away 

and this girl makes my heart want to burst wide open.

i am blessed.  and i am savoring every moment of this season of my life. 

day 8: my little piece of advice, or what i like to call: encouragement

when i read this post, it sunk in pretty deep.
write!
for crying out loud, jaclyn, start writing and stop putting it off. write every.single.day. just start.  and don't worry about the details. it is your heart and your mind and your soul.  you want to do it. so why don't you?

you think about it one thousand times a day.  you talk about it. you dream about it.  and start ten thousand posts and then push 'save' instead of 'publish.'

but because you are so afraid of not being good enough, or worthy enough,
because you are afraid to speak your mind and 'offend' someone,
because you are afraid of making it sound like you are feeling sorry for yourself or like a victim,  because you are afraid of being talked about negatively,
because of all of your fears, . . . you deny yourself your passion.

and a little bit of your heart stays stagnant and holed up.  a little bit of who you truly are --- stays hidden from the world.  and you never get an opportunity to see what God really wants to do with your passion.

i mean, isn't it He who forms the desires of your heart anyway?  so why rob Him of what He will and can do with your words?  why not let go and let the words flow and trust that His-story will be told and He will use you for the glory of Him?
trust jaclyn.

just trust.

let go.
give it a try.
count your blessings.
be thankful.
and live a life that you are proud of....
live a life bringing honor to your God, making Him proud, sharing a bit of your love ...
and see where it brings you.

because if i remember correctly, i want this to be the way i live.  i want to be proud of using what He gave me and i don't want to have a single regret.  i want to live fully and purposefully.

so thank you, jenni.  thank you for this challenge.  and though i am 8 days late at starting...i've committed to this daily writing journey and i'm excited what God is going to do with it.

so today, my piece of advice is this:  do what YOU love doing.  even if it scares you.  and though that is very cliche....ask yourself why you are not doing something you love doing, even in part.  Ask yourself what it is that scares you and then ask God to calm that fear and bless you with the courage to take a step forward into your dream and your passion.  

and then see the prayer be answered.  even in baby steps.  . . .
it's amazing to see what He can and will do.

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Random thoughts running through my head . . .

:: i have never done so much laundry in my life...and i still run out of pajamas and cloth diapers for the girls.  i wouldn't change it for the world...but i would change the fact that my laundry 'room' is in the basement. i will take note of how many steps i walk up and down every day for the reminder of what not to do in our future home.

:: pumping when you're breastfeeding is a pain...and though i once didn't mind it...i have grown to dislike it very much.  i'd rather keep the babies with me at all times until they are weened after their first birthday and not have to worry about a bottle...ever.  is that bad? i don't care, i still don't like pumping.

:: i think i may have birthed out my manners/social skills when i had the twins. for real. i was walking tonight with a friend and a runner/neighbor happened to stop by the two of us so she could meet the girls.  i think we talked for like 8 minutes and do you think i even thought to introduce my neighbor to my friend? nope.  well, once we walked away i did.  ugg.   i forget to return phone calls, even though i write them down on my 'to-do' list that i also seem to lose throughout the day. i am awkward all of sudden and run out of things to talk about, or sometimes i even forget my point in the middle of a sentence. i feel like my brain is mush.

:: i have no clothes that fit.  they are either too tight on my still-sticking out belly.  or they are too big and i'm that girl that walks around pulling her pants up at the grocery store. i also need new underwear.  mine are all stretched out from my pregnancy growth.

:: my house is a pig-sty and for some blissfully insane reason, i don't care.  honestly.  i mean, do try to tidey up before i go to bed, but i am realizing that what was once so important to me, (well, it still is and i do dream of the days when i can organize with my little girls) just doesn't really matter anymore. i would rather have their books and toys and play mats and blankets and high chairs and boppies and swings taking up my whole living room than anything else.  life is pretty great these days...and i just don't care anymore how messy and unorganized my home is.

:: tea. i am in love with thee.  licorice spice, vanilla honey chamomile, mothers milk, lavender chamomile, the list is long and plentiful.  i am addicted to it and drinking an average of four cups a day. yumm.

:: she is my kindred spirit. no lie. and i love her writing, her heart for others...and her courage to be taught every.single.day.  she's gonna change the world...just like oprah. and i am excited to watch her journey. so very cool. when she said, "As a serious introvert with a deep need to connect, I’m always playing tug-o-war with myself. I want to run far away from the world – I want to sprint – open armed – toward the world. I want to retreat from people – I want to melt into people. I need escape and immersion simultaneously. "  i thought: that's me! she's me! i am a loner wanting to hide behind my words...and yet i have an insane pull to be near, around, with and observing people. i always thought i was weird that i was both.  now i feel a little less weird knowing there are others out there just like me.  thanks glennon! :) 

:: i am taking a month OFF from facebook, the blog-world, and pinterest in April.  I cannot, however, depart from Instagram and the only reason is because I find taking pictures each day somewhat captures a mini-journal for myself & my family. but with the weather getting warmer, the priorities in my life shifting, life "stuff" happening every which corner i look at, I have to slow down.  I have to pause more.  Breathe In and out more.  Worry less. Enjoy more. Let go of some things and let my good Lord take the reigns.  And i know too well, that if i don't force myself into some sort of a 'cleanse' per-say, I will not do any of the above.  So i'm doing it.  I'm shutting down my two most addicting social media apps on my phone & computer and not revisiting them until May 1st.  I am scared ....and so excited!!! TIme to start writing real letters again, cooking from my actual cookbooks, and enjoying all of my glorious moments with  two of my favorite people on this earth: little miss S & M.   Wish me luck!! 

4 months

;: it's been the best four months of my life. for real.  the highs have been higher than i've ever imagined possible.  the joy i have felt cannot be put into words.  adrenaline and gratitude have kept me running on fumes during those exhaustive times of trying to calm two screaming babies and breastfeed them at the same time.  

it has been surreal to say the least.  and i would be lieing if i didn't say that the journey, the length of time it took us to get here, the heartbreaking goodbyes we had to say....they all are part of that energy and gratitude that keep us going when it's tough.  and they are the reasons you will never hear me complain of the sleepless nights or the days without showering or the smell i acquire around my neck from spit-up.  i won't do it. 

because gratitude changes my attitude.  and i choose gratitude.   even when they still haven't taken a nap at the same time, or ever allow their momma to even sneak in 20minutes to herself a day (yes, i'm being serious, they are on the same eating schedule and the opposite sleeping/napping schedule).

so i start my list of gratitudes and even though it may take awhile to get there,  eventually i do, and when i do....my mind alters.   sorta like when i eventually make myself go running or exercise.  it's those natural endorphines that kick in and make all ok.  yeah, that's gratitude for my mind's sake.  it's a natural high...and it genuinely works.

but back to the real reason for this post.  4 months!  these little miracles are already 4 months old and there are days that i want.  to.  stop.  time.

and yet i'm loving how they are growing.  they are smiling. and cooing and becoming the little people God made them to be.  and they are absolutely wonderful.

my dear sweet svea;
you are so full of life!  you have found the television and, unfortunately, can't keep your eyes off of it when it is on. you are alert and you have your daddy's gorgeous smile.  bright and bold and beautiful.  your eyes are piercing blue and you are simply stunning to look at.  you love to smile with your tongue and your dimples shine through like two dots of sunshine placed perfectly on either cheek.  you are a ball of energy, enthusiasm and joy. you are social and inviting to everyone around you already. you still don't like to sleep, but i'm convinced it's because you are too excited for what each day has to offer.  you are ready to take on the world...and i can already tell that you will be one that makes things happens and changes us for the better...forcing us to allow you to learn and come to conclusions on your own time.  you rolled over this past week from your stomach to your back and were so proud of yourself!  you absolutely LOVE bath-time and get soo excited when submerged in warm water.  you love to talk and embrace anyone willing to do so with you.  you also have just discovered your sister and each morning give her a bright smile when i lay your head by hers so you can both give each other a good morning kiss.  you have started to babble with a soft voice and coo with a gentle pitch that is so sweet to listen to. you are becoming one amazingly beautiful little girl to watch my dear one.

my tender little maelyn;
your soul is so pure.  you are an observer and a lover of reading.  you aren't as much into television, except when baby einstein is on and then you can't keep your eyes off of it (you especially love the little zebra puppets).  you love eve and ivy and grin from ear to ear whenever they kiss your cheek.  you have a dimple on your right cheek that has made its appearance and your smile is killer.  you open your mouth wide and loud and crinkle your button nose and make sure that your pure joy radiates through it.  you also are our morning girl...we often find you in your bassinet just laying there all swaddled, waiting for someone to discover you...and when we do, your eyes light up and you start our days with your glorious smile.  it is heaven on earth.  you, too, have gorgeous deep blue eyes that your dad often calls 'bambi eyes.'  you look into our souls with them. you are wanting to sit up, assisted of course, and are filled with enthusiasm as you do.  you aren't quite ready to roll, but when you watch your sister, i think  it will happen soon. you are so sensitive, especially to loud sounds (including when myself or your dad sneezes) and sometimes it makes you cry. you, too, have started to talk and grunt as often as possible.  you make us laugh everyday with your expressive eyebrows and silly faces.  you are camera shy, just like your sister, and we are praying you outgrow this so that we can capture all of your fun and silly (& even sad) expressions, noises and faces for you to enjoy one day too!  you are becoming so fun and amazingly gorgeous little one...we are so in love with you!


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today i am::

:: drinking this tea 

:: letting my babies sleep for as long as they want in their car seats (going on over an hour for the first time EVER) praise Jesus!

:: admiring single parents out there. the hubs has been gone for three days & i am officially tired

:: also feeling liberated by the fact that i can survive parenting these two beauties by myself

:: itching to write and take good pictures and blog.  i just need to learn to use our camer(thinking i'm gonna have to bite the bullet and actually read the manual), i need to start keeping a notebook with me on some good topics to write about (& not be afraid to hit publish) and take the time each day now that the girls are napping consistently for about 45 minutes a time ...and write.

:: making my to-do list for when my mr. returns:  clean bathrooms (& house), grocery shop, write thank you's, etc, etc, etc

:: doing what i can to not drown in my first case of Spring fever and enjoy this gorgeous snow that exists right outside my windows

:: trying to figure out why i allow certain people to consistently steal my joy and have so much power over my emotions -- i need to own my inner self again

:: grateful that i am a mom, and get to stay home, talk all day, watch them grow, play and squeal with delight as they get excited to read books, learn new things and smile all the time.  i am so over the moon in love with my little darlings.

how can i not be? look at them!! ::

*Svea*

 *Maelyn*

*Svea (left) & Maelyn (right)*

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10 weeks flying by . . .

silly svea

sweety pie maelyn

:: today they are 10 weeks old. 10 weeks! i cannot believe how fast time goes. 

:: they are sleeping 6 hours at a time at night. bedtime begins at 9:30 and they wake at 3:38, always. Hooray! 

:: they are both like clock work when it comes to breastfeeding. i am able to tandem them & haven't had to supplement just yet.  2 hours on the dot though from when they begin eating to their next feed. this leaves me home-bound most days, but i don't care, i'll take it. i am just so thankful they are healthy.

:: they are getting more smiley and silly.  after every feeding they need to be stimulated & we are having so much fun!  they love this book the most. 

:: their individual personalities are coming alive and it has been so amazing getting to know them: 

**Maelyn -- tender spirit, curious and filled with awe.  your eyebrows raise and furrow as you try to take in the world around you and learn all things new. you absolutely love snuggling into my neck and being close, and desperately need others to talk to you all of the time.  you are easy to put down for a nap or bed. you love your sleep.  you grunt when you talk and always have something to say. you continually make those around you laugh out loud when you do so. your timing couldn't be planned more perfectly. your tummy is sensitive and we had to put you on acid reflux medicine for a time being...but, it has done you wonders and you are able to keep your food down. praise God! you are bright eyed and observant, smart and kind already. you are my beautiful girl and i am so thankful you were born into my life. xo

**Svea -- gentle heart, social and filled with enthusiasm for life.  your face lights up, your mouth wide open and your eyes grow big with excitement as you discover the world around you.  you love colors and shapes and silly discussions with anyone willing to talk to you.  you will warm the heart of others just with your smile.  you coo and squeak with glee & frustration when you can't get a 'bubble' (gas) out, but make everyone laugh with your sweet sounds.  you also have a sensitive tummy and mommy cannot eat an ounce of cheese or dairy, for you will suffer. you are so aware and curious and just want to know everything that is happening and going on, that sleeping is one of your least favorite things. you are tender hearted, kind and friendly to everyone already.  you are my beautiful girl and i am forever thankful you were born into my life. xo 

I love him . . .

and them of course! :) 

 I am one blessed lady.  

And I will never ever...take a moment of it for granted. 

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my 2013 desires of my heart

:: to continue to be more present.  set aside the phone, shut down the computer, turn off the television, let the phone calls go to voice mail ....and enjoy my babies, my husband, my animals and all that God has given me. pick one day a week where all technology is turned off (except for Pandora radio of course).

:: listen.  silence my mind. and listen.  listen to others, to my friends, to my family, to my daughters coos, to my husband's words, to those i don't care for, to those i admire. to God.  listen and see what is revealed.  i think i spend too much time talking and not enough listening. i spend too much time praying and not enough time waiting.  i want to learn to be patient and hear not only God speak to me, but see what i can learn while listening to others.

:: Be spontaneous.  i used to live more freely and be more of a care-free spirit, but since my brother died, i've noticed i'm a little more reserved and a lot less spontaneous. i travel away from home less. i spend money more tightly. and i plan more.  i want to keep planning, and definitely be conscientious of my decisions, but i want to live on a whim, dance in the middle of the street, travel more, laugh more and play more.  and decide, last minute, to do something different than i had planned. 

:: Give with a purpose.  and do it twice a month. make a meal for someone who just needs a break.  send a care package to a friend i actually see but maybe needs to be reminded she's loved.  call someone and ask if i can help them watch their kids, run an errand, organize something.  teach these daughters of mine about serving others out of genuine care - no thank you or expectation in return.

:: Fall in love with exercising again.  sign up for a 5k with a purpose (runs for charity in honor of mom or jason).  walk/run each day with the girls so they learn to love to be outside and be healthy.  exercise because you know it makes your mind calmer and your anxieties lessen. it gives you energy and clearer thought processes.  exercise because it's just as important to care for your insides as your out. 

::  Be true to yourself.  write all the time, even if it scares you.  don't be afraid to be vulnerable.  speak truth in your writing even if your voice/fingers shake. take a chance at it!  don't be afraid of what others think all the time.  be kind, serve others, but live for your family.  invest into people who every time you leave, you feel better and invest less into those you don't. gain confidence and know that God has your back. pause more frequently and pray more diligently.  then listen. you'll know what to do. 

now bring on the new year and live it with purpose!  i can't wait to see what's in store!!! 

what are some of your new year's resolutions, goals and hopes for yourself?