These days

:: we are anticipating 'babywatch' which officially begins in october. i will be 30 weeks along and with twins, i am told, is when we are to be 'watching closely.'  the hubs is homebound from any overnight travel, i am not allowed to travel more than an hour away and my feet must be elevated a few times a day.  with my mr. having a job that takes him away for many overnights a month, i cannot wait to have him home for awhile.  sleeping in our bed, at my arms reach, giving me comfort hugs when i start to worry whether i'll be a good mom or not and eating dinner together at the dinner table.  and of course, spending many a nights having what we call 'puppy appreciation' which entails puppy snuggles, walks, and kisses on the muzzle over and over and over again.

:: the weather has cooled and dropped to an average of 50 degrees at night.  the windows remain open, the fan blows right on me and for the first time in six months, i am waking up to a chilly feeling that is forcing me under the covers.  it is amazing.

:: healing in my heart continues to take place towards some broken relationships and i continue to remain extremely hopeful that these two sweet miracles will be a bridge back towards people both the mr. and i desperately and healthily want to have in our lives. i've heard that.  i've heard that babies give people a new purpose and reason to live. i can't wait to experience their gifts.

:: movies. television. couch potato nights.  we hardly have the tv on in the summer, if at all, but with fall here, shows starting back up, and my restrictive giant belly, i have a feeling we will be painted onto our couch watching as many movies as we can, and enjoying the last few times we have together, just us, zoned into a show and knowing that one day very soon we will not be able to do that anymore.

:: the crockpot is out.  recipes are being discovered. the oven is turned on almost daily.  comfort soups and stews are back and our bellies are enjoying the warmth of the food entering into them.  salads are less appealing and warm tea is how we finish our evenings.

:: candles!! they are out. and burning.  all day long.  now i just can't wait to get my christmas decor unpacked, play christmas music on the radio and smother our home in cinnamon and pine. *stop hating

:: prayer.  it has been consuming my lips daily.  filled with gratitude, humility, questions, fear, peace and desires for a safe labor, healthy babies and happy ending to the pregnancy.  asking for God to keep my heart focused on the right things, to keep comfort there in times of uncertainty when parenting is overwhelming and the exhaustion sets in.  to keep me humble and appreciative for every gift I am given when i look at my two dreams come true.  and to celebrate the two lives, that God knit together in my womb, for who they are...and who they will become.

"no one has ever become poor by giving."

-- Anne Frank

I love this quote. love. Love. LOVE it. It speaks to me in so many ways and humbles me even more. I would love to find this quote on a bumper sticker and place it on my car.  I would love to scream it at the top of my lungs for all the world to hear. 

But instead, I find myself processing through it daily and sometimes (i'm gonna be vulnerable here, so please be kind) -- judging others and their 'giving' ways.  Or should I say, lack there of. 

I often find myself categorizing people into two groups: 1.) givers.  and 2.) takers. I think that a good, healthy balance of giving with receiving grace (i.e. meals, help, etc) is also very good.  But if I think about the majority of folks I know, they fall into the above. one or the other. 

For example, I was having a discussion with a certain family member the other day while I was driving them to run an errand.  They started to mention how the only thing they want to be in life is wealthy and continued to explain why.  One of the main reasons was so that they could "give more" and "share" with more people.  I sat there and listened to them explain this reasoning to me and despite my best efforts to give them the benefit of the doubt (I have known this person since they were born), I found myself actually irritated. 

Let me explain. 

Wealthy, in my opinion, is in the mind of the beholder. Yes, we could have a ten thousand word discussion on wealth and success and all that in between, but if you think of the genuine life definition of both of those, it usually does not entail green money.  

I have known this person to be a what i like to call a "wandering soul," pushing the envelope, going against the grain, rebelling in our society's rules and regulations.  I have loved their free spirit.  

I have also known this person to live very much for themselves.  Holing up and not reaching out to others when others need them.  Excusing their behavior by indicating that they don't have a car, or money or resources.  

I have also known this individual to probably have more 'free' time than any other individual I know.  Hours in a day where they will sit and play video games, sleep, and take care of them self. 

I have known them to call me and pretend as though they are "checking in" when in reality, the phone call usually ends with a statement, "so, i was wondering, if you're going to run errands or to the store or anywhere in town, do you think you could take me, bring me, help me ...." 

and I do.  I am what I sometimes call a "sucker," and other times, a "giver."  I have been labeled an "enabler," as this individual will go weeks without any communication with me .... until something is needed. 

And though I know this and my mind/heart/soul is aware of this, I struggle because I want to see them so bad and hang onto the few moments I get to enjoy their company, even if it means I'm being used.  Or taken from. 

I don't want you to judge this individual.  They are walking their own journey through this treacherous life path.  If you're going to judge anybody, judge me.  

For my inability to get healthier. 

But I have been struggling with this as we enter our last few weeks before we become parents to two humans outside of my womb. I have been thinking and dwelling and trying to figure out what kind of example I want to set for them.  Who I want them to see me being.  What kind of people I hope they become.  givers. or takers. 

but what is a healthy definition of the above?  is it to give in order to receive?  is it to take and think it is good to be a receiver with grace? is it to give and expect nothing in return?  is it to take and not hold yourself accountable to make sure you 'pay it forward?'  is it to take and trust that the other person knows you are thankful with a simple verbal one or is it to receive and then ensure you send a hand written thank you (that's a whole nother' post)?  is it to give freely and without consequence towards yourself? 

ahhh!!! 

i have to be honest and say that there are more times than not when i think to myself, "jaclyn, do this for the right reasons and with zero expectations."  and then i get discouraged or bummed when i don't receive a thank you in the mail. or when my food pans get dropped off. or when i help someone and then don't hear from them for two or three weeks, until they need something again. and then i get mad with myself and think, "you gave for the wrong reasons then missy.  you gave with an expectation, and that is not a gift at all." 

or is it? 

giving with an expectation of gratitude or inspiration to give forward or to hear from them other than when they need to receive? 

i think a gift with an agenda is a whole different situation (we have givers in our life like that & i stay as far away as possible).  For example, "i will give you this money, but this is what you have to do with it or you have to stay close to us or we'll give you this gift certificate if WE get to babysit your children."  those are malicious and selfish 'gifts' if you may...and again, probably a whole nother post. but they aren't gifts.  

they are agendas.  manipulating ways to fulfill your needs.  and i don't ever, ever want to become like that.  

so how do i balance the need to see and love on a family member or dear friend with helping them only when they ask to receive?  how do i give of my time, money, food or love without a teeny glimmer of hope that maybe this time they'll want to come around more....even when they don't need? 

back to the car conversation, when they were talking about wealth and money and being rich. i do believe in the depth of their hearts they meant it.  they would give it if they had more of it.  

but to me, that's sort of a lame excuse.  what about all the gifts they have currently?   

the gifts of time.  of strength.  of youthfulness.  of company.  of words.  of encouragement.  of phone calls.  of 'checking in.'   

what about those gifts that are FREE for them to give?  free of debts owed and taxes paid?  aren't those a stepping stone towards becoming a giver? a genuine and thoughtful giver that one day, will indeed, turn out to be filled with glory and success and wealth in more ways than they could imagine?  

because i have to believe the above quote, the quote that states, 'no one ever became poor by giving.'  

it didn't say give all your money away (although, that may be a challenge).  or give all your time away so you have none left.  or give all your energy to others so you can't recenter and heal your own soul.  

it said, you will never ever, EVER go without....if you give.  never.  

because the gifts back to you, especially without seeking....will come two fold.  and you will be gifted back more energy, more love, more satisfaction and wealth from watching your gift...bless someone else.  

i want to be that person.  i want to represent that for these two babies.  i want them to be givers.  and humble themselves, (maybe a little like i'm trying to do for myself here) when i remind them:  

a gift is not a gift, if there is an expectation in return. 

period. 

"no one has ever become poor by giving."

-- Anne Frank

for the love of my pups

have i ever told you how very much i love my animals? ;) if not, be ready, there will be a dose of love in many many more posts to come. i love them so much that there have been times when moms & dads will say to me, "you love your dogs this much, can you imagine what you're gonna feel when your babies are born?"  

i can't.  because sometimes, my love for my animals runs so thick and so deep that i find my heart wanting to burst.  burst with smiles every time i walk in the door and am greeted with wiggling tails, happy yawns of excitement, hugs between the legs (they walk between our legs to give us what we call "puppy hugs") and just joy sparkling from their eyes. 

my heart also wants to burst when i look at them loving each other. through their ailments, their sleepy days, their energetic days and any new transition our household goes through.  

they define what none of us will ever ever grasp in our lifetime from the human perspective:  unconditional love.  they love with no intention, no anger, no agenda.  sure, they need food, and exercise and love.  but they love without an expectation in return.  and they teach me daily what it is to forgive without a blink of an eye. 

i love these girls and lately, as i have been forced to put my feet up more, sit still and quietly, reflect, be present, pray, and give thanks for all that is to come, i'm giving even more thanks for what has been and what is now.  today.  my life. my blessings. my God. my dogs.  

they are my daily reminder that angels exist.  that God's love is so great.  that i am lucky enough to have and continue to feel this great kind of love.  that life will be okay.  and will always work out.  that though there will be challenges, there will be triumphs, there will be so much unknown in the future ... i am surrounded by gifts of love.  

unconditional and genuine love. 

lucky me. :) 

*if you love your animals - share it! i adore animals lovers from all over the world! :)

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i don't like self-portraits

since being pregnant i have been in this 'cloud nine' state of mind where i vowed to myself i would never walk down that path of feeling sorry for myself and how i looked, or complain to others about how i feel.  because in all reality, i dreamed about this pregnancy for seven years and couldn't fathom how others could even think about complaining about their gift of pregnancy to their friend who only ever dreamed of having that gift.

until now.

now i find myself wallowing in my own mind and very afraid of releasing it.  wallowing about how i feel and why i feel that way.  and more importantly, hating myself for even having those thoughts running through my mind.  because lets be honest: i am very, very, very, very grateful that this miracle of life (lives) were gifted to me and there isn't an hour in the day that passes where i don't find myself thanking God for his love and mercy he has bestowed upon my hubs and i.

and then there are the minutes in between those thanksgivings that i go back to wallowing.

i start hating mirrors.  i despise cameras.  i get annoyed at every friend who says to me, "take lots of pictures, you will regret it one day if you do not!"  even though they know full well that i am a ridiculously non-photogenic person and the thought of looking at myself in pictures prior to being pregnant could make my heart start beating at lightning speed, my armpits break out in sweats and hives start crawling up my neck.

can you imagine what looking at pictures does to me now?  now that i have a chin that has doubled in size, a face that is fuller than an inflated balloon, skin that is blotchy and unlike my old skin, etc etc etc?

i may just learn to fly if i have to look at pictures like that of myself.

but....

whose to say they aren't right? that maybe i will regret not taking them? that maybe one day i will think to myself, "what did i look like pregnant and swollen and carrying those sweet little miracles inside of me? was i beautiful? did i glow like some people say i do?  did i really look decently normal? will my babies really want to see that their mama looked (& felt) like an umpa loompa even though her heart of hearts was genuinely more grateful and felt more joy than she has ever felt/been in her whole life?  will they really care what i looked like during their baking time?  during the time when they lived inside the giant round blob growing bigger and bigger by the day? will they really, genuinely, care?"  

maybe. maybe i will think that.  maybe they will be right.  maybe i will regret it.  maybe i will kick myself. maybe they will have wished there were more pictures of me taken (because believe me, the hubs, despite my outbursts has snuck at least a picture a day and dealt with the wrath of my reaction to his picture taking).

OR...

maybe i know myself well enough to accept the fact that i am just not photogenic.
that the pictures i like to take are the ones i am taking of others.  
that the pictures of myself genuinely and always have, given me rashes when i look at them.

that when i think of my own mother, who died when i was 12, i don't wish more pictures of her. i just wish more time.  i don't wish she had pictures of herself with a belly...nor do i love the couple she has.  the ones i cherish are the ones where she is with me and my brothers.  the ones where she is holding us as babies and toddlers and little ones and her eyes dance and her smile spreads from ear to ear.
the ones where moments are being shared and spent together. loving each other. her loving on us...and us taking it in.  those are my favorites.

to be honest, i haven't even once gone looking for more of the ones where i was growing inside of her. i'm not sure why, but they just don't matter. i guess i figure that maybe her eyes would be a little like mine in all of them:  so unbelievably grateful and yet so unbearably uncomfortable.  i guess i just have this idea that her eyes will say what mine say, "i cannot wait to meet this little miracle. i cannot wait to be their mama.  i cannot believe that God chose me to be their mama.  they are my gift of joy and gratitude every single day.  they are the reason i now live.  but boy, do i feel like shit right now.  and my back aches.  and my face is swollen.  and i retain even a gram of salt if i eat it.  but i won't complain out loud, because i am genuinely, utterly and unbelievably grateful for this gift."

maybe that's the reason i am not that interested in taking one thousand pictures of myself during this phase of life. because my face and eyes will tell the truth of: i love these babies, these lives...but i sure do hate this forced smile or moment in front of this camera right now.

is that wrong?

i feel like i should be ashamed of myself and just accept that everyone loves pictures.

but i also feel worse about myself when i try to force myself into becoming someone i'm just not. i know i don't look like rosie pope or all those beautiful mama-to-be's in their skinny jeans housing their sweet basketball bump.  believe me, i don't look even close to that.

i could dwell on that fact.  i could dwell in the fact that i can't wear the cute - made - for - skinny -pregnant - lady clothes and send myself into a tailspin of depression, self loathing and hate, creating a self talk that i pray i never hear my children say to themselves. i could do that.

but i don't.

instead, i choose to accept that this is the way i look.  extra poundage, swelling, water retaining, skin worsening, sweating self and all.  i laugh at how much of an out of body experience this pregnancy has been.  i smile every time i hear someone say to me, "wow, you must be close...when are you due?"  and i respond with, "in a couple more months...still have a bit to go"  and one of two things immediately follows my response.  they either a.) ask me if i'm sure (which confirms how giant i am)  or b.) bug their eyes out at me, look me up and down and tilt their heads like a dog does when it's confused.  in which i quickly respond with, yet another, uncomfortable giggle and say, "well, there are two in there, so i guess the body has to make room!"

the point is this:  i am thankful.  every single freaking hour of every single freaking day that i get to be a mama and carry two beautiful miracles inside of my womb.  out of body experience and all.

i am.

but, i am not, nor have i ever really been, much of a picture taker.  i haven't.  i hope to be.  and i promise to get in as many photos with my wee ones once they are born, for their sake.  i vow to that.

but why start now?  why start when i probably have felt worse about my appearance than ever before?
and why the pressure?

is it wrong to just be content with a couple pregnancy photos and that's it?  is it wrong that i actually may never ever feel guilty about not taking or having a pregnancy photo shoot?  is it? am i genuinely being stubborn and not willing to grow?

Or is it possible that is how i tick, i am pretty self-aware of my own insecurities and securities....and i'm just not one of those beautiful, photogenic and eager to stand in front of the camera gals?

is it possible to ask for a little acceptance of me being me and not wanting pictures? is it okay for me to just want to hide from the camera's for a bit and embrace every single moment i am able to be present and sending warm and loving thoughts to these sweet babies?  is it okay to ask for others to embrace me as i am also?

i can't figure out why this is even an issue right now, but it is consuming my conversations with girlfriends (the ones where they all want to take pictures every time they are with me) or the days with my husband when he does surprise attacks on me with his camera.  i can't understand why after those chats and moments i feel like screaming and crying all at the same time and want to tell everyone to just leave me alone.  i like being pregnant.

i just don't like my picture taken while i'm pregnant!!

it's so so trivial.  and so not important in life. it's not. i know that.
believe me, i know that.

but it's part of my core.  my self talk.
my acceptance of what i look like physically indeed consumes much of my mind.  i'm not gonna lie.
i've struggled with this since i was 13 years old and my mom became sick.

i have battled days of running three times a day, eating nothing more than applesauce and carrot sticks and drinking nothing more than green tea and water.

my weight has fluctuated from skinny to chubby. frail to tone. i've battled obsession with health.  health with obsession.

i have major self image battles to still conquer and heal.  and despite that fact that i hoped with all of me i would not have them when my dream of becoming pregnant was gifted to me, unfortunately.....they still surface.

so i'm trying to embrace this gift.  these gifts.

but also trying to realize that my mind is its own worst enemy and i very much like to avoid the raw feelings and pathetic self talk that happens when i see myself in the mirror or on a photo.  especially now.

and for some, odd and crazy reason...it's not coming together very well and i'm not able to hold my feelings captive long enough to just give them what they want....without dwelling in it for hours after.  so i'm trying to find a peaceful point for myself and these babies.

i don't want them to feel these negative feelings that i'm feeling towards themselves.  i don't want them to house even a gram of that toxicity.  but what is my choice?

because in all honesty, i'd love for the pressure to be gone and stopped. i'd love for the days when we can just be together (husband & me, friends & me) and just sit and talk about life and love and celebration or struggle and even babies.....and not have a camera pop out.

i know what i look like.  i have some documents to prove it.

i will never, ever, ever, ever forget what i looked like...or how this felt.  it's funny and magical and beautiful and hard and uncomfortable and unreal and miraculous all at the same time.

i love all of those feelings and every thing they make me think of, pray for, grateful for and grasp.  i do.

i just don't like my picture taken.

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"without trials, there would be no triumph or no testimony."  

i heard this the other day on our church's podcast as the mr and i were on a sunday drive.  and i found myself wanting to say out loud the very thing that for some reason bothers me when i hear others do it, "amen!"  i know, i'm a hypocrite.

so so so so so so very true.   isn't it?

i mean, let's think about it for a minute.  who are the people that you find yourselves gravitating towards and wanting to listen or talk with and to?  who are the teachers/professors that have the most impact on you?  who are the counselors/therapists that seem to just 'get life' the way you can relate to.

it's the ones who have LIVED.  the harsh and amazing and and beautiful and brutal world in which we currently reside.  it's the people with a story and a testimony.  

the ones who have come full force through the fires.  walked through the valley of death. it's the people who have ached and wept and wailed tears of uncertainty and anguish in their souls.

and overcome.

the people who captivate me are the ones who admit that at times their faith wavered. their questions became greater.  they pleaded with God and higher powers.  some of them, didn't even believe that life would go on.  or that they'd remember how to breathe.

yet today, they live life fuller.  

they see things more optimistically.

their faith is stronger.

their love for Christ is greater.

their determination bigger.

their compassion full force.

their judgements less.

their love of people more.

their acceptance that there is a 'story' behind every sin.

their need to prove themselves gone.

their effort to help more.

their insight clear.

they're listening better.

they're talking less.

they are forever changing. forever growing. forever seeking. forever loving. forever forgiving. forever learning.

and realizing life is one big giant and  (as my wanna-be friend Glennon so perfectly calls it): brutiful journey. 

i dream of the days when i can linger with my brother and my mother again. i know it will happen.

i dream of the days when my little brother will be eager for life and work his tale off to show the world what is he made of.

i dream of the days when my father and i may have some sort of reconciliation and closure to our brokenness.  when he can see my hurts and i can forgive the hurting.

i dream of the days when my children will hear the stories of their grandmother and uncle and smile their contagious smiles and live life leaving a legacy that is told for generations to come.

i dream of the days when i know our foster children are doing well and life has been kind to them.

i dream of the days when so much is righted in the world.  i do.  always will.

but i will never take back all that i have gained from the treacherous walk this journey of life has been for me.  the losses, the waiting, the saying goodbye, the leaving behind, the letting go, the re-altering my expectations and even re-creating my dreams.

i wouldn't want to know who i would have become without the sorrows.

to some that may sound strange, but to me, it's my reality.  my story has painful memories.  but my lessons and those i'm continuing to learn are nothing short of miraculous and magnificent.  and i am so, so thankful for the teachings.

i don't know where i'll go.  or what i'll do.  or how God could even use the walk for His good.
i am, however, eager and waiting to discover it.

because it's official; my whole past was worth it and still is.
despite the longing.  despite the frustrations. despite the pit that lies in my stomach when i re-visit some of the memories.  or the ache that takes my breath away when i feel it wash over me again.

it's all worth it.

because it's my testimony of survival.
of hope.
of His love for me --- and how He never gave up on me.

.... not once.