day 17 :: a favorite photo

and here we go, three days behind (again). sorry.

but i will write all the topics and i will enjoy them and it is still forcing me to write.  and that's the point, right?  i am just surrendering to the fact that i may be a little bit behind.
kind of like the girl who finishes last in the race, but still finished.
i always felt bad for her, but i was always impressed with her will.

so my hope in finishing 'last,' is that i'll still have people cheering me on at the finish line.

day 17's topic is a favorite photo of yourself and why.

this one, is tough for me too because i am not the least bit photogenic. i hate the camera in my face, and when i see pictures of myself, i start to see a giant head that morphed into something it probably isn't but my psyche wants me to think so.

you get the picture, right?  i have self image issues.
major issues.

but i will play by the rules and post a picture.
and this picture is probably one of my favorites, not because i think i look marvelous (i'm clearly a mess),

but because it is the memory i have of the first time i felt the love a mother feels for a child when she holds them for the first time. 

this is the little foster daughter we picked up from the hospital when she was five days old, and this was me in the nursery, feeding her a bottle and promising to love her more and more every day for as long as we were able to have her. 

i miss her....but i am so glad i have this picture.  

because every time i see it, i can still feel those feelings. 

and the rush of emotions my heart felt when i thought it was going to explode out of my chest. 

day16

the writing journey continues and day 16's topic is something difficult in your life and how you're trying to overcome it.

hmmm....
this one is tough for me. i don't feel like i want to dwell on the past seasons of death, infertility, divorce, etc.  i feel as though each of those seasons was and is so important in the constant building and rebuilding of who God wants me to be, continue to be, change and grow into.

but, writing these daily topics is meant for us to be honest right?  so i'm going to be.

the thing i struggle with and have a difficult time 'overcoming' per say is the loss of both my mom and brother.

it's interesting because i've officially lived longer without my mom than with her, but since these babies were born, i probably miss her more now than ever too.

and my brother, well, we had the typical brother-sister relationship.  i annoyed him. he frustrated me.  but we were each other's allies and each other's confidants.  we just got each other, what it was like to miss our mom and how difficult some of our dad's decisions were to live with.

and the girls, i miss them not knowing or seeing their uncle every day.  because he was that kind of uncle.

present.
loyal.
loving.
and there.

i know that they are 'there in spirit,' i know that i will teach my girls about them.
i know that every time i look at little maelyn, i think she is his daughter...because she looks exactly like her uncle jason.
i know that svea's middle name: jason-fay represents her grandmother and uncle and she will have that forever.

but i also know not having either of them here, to walk this journey with me, is probably my toughest 'lot' i'm dealing with.

and each day, i am dealing with it.  grieving it.  celebrating them.
and trying to figure out how the rest of the days are going to go . . .
. . . without two of my favorite people in them.

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a day in the life of me + her + her + them( the fur babies)

man, i suck at this whole blog every day for a month.  ugg. sometimes i get so frustrated with myself, but then i remember i have to surrender to the reality of being a mom to twin infants and how much that is my priority and my love.  so i'll write when i can and follow along.

and that's about all i can do.  but today, i'm going to try and document my day in a post of pictures, taken each hour. we'll see how it goes....then i'll hit 'publish' tonight before going to bed.  hopefully you'll see how my day gets away from me, can be a bit mundane, but keeps me busy with glee.

6:00  -- wake up

7:00  -- play & open up the house (feed dog/cats, misc chores, water flowers & veggies)

8:00  -- nap time (or at least an attempt at it)

9:00  --  eat our first 'meal' (usually fruit pureed)

10:00  -- chiro appt

11:00 -- just getting home from running errands

12:00 -- snuggle time with the fur loves

1:00 -- eat our lunch/afternoon meal (butternut squash & prunes)

2:00 -- make some sun tea

3:00 -- Afternoon walk in this gorgeous weather (turned out terribly, but that's a story for another day)

4:00 -- attempted this - only have 17 more baskets to go!

5:00 -- visiting with the girls' godmother, & wearing her gifts she brought back from Disney!

6:00 -- one more numbing of their poor teething gums before bed

7:00 --  and they're out!

8:00 -- close up the house, chores, clean up, let the cats sit on the window one last time & get some good eats (& wine of course)

Catch Up:: Day 12, 13 & my favorite so far: my happy list

so the daily writing journey continues & this particular 'catch up' day may be a bit long.  but, i committed to every day and since mothering took priority the past couple days, this daily effort went to the back burner.  sorry bout' that.

anyway, to keep writing on each of the topics, here's day 12 :: i miss . . .

these two:

my brother and mom. 

every single day.  my brother would have been the best uncle in the whole world and my mom the best grandmother.  i wish on a star they could be here to play, snuggle, talk, encourage, cheer-on and watch my two beauties grow. 

but you know what i also miss?  i miss the innocence and the ease of childhood.  i miss the days that were always too long, because recently, i just wish i could add hours to the days. i miss the days where my biggest worries at night were whether i would be invited to the popular birthday party at school. because my most recent worries are horrific and terrifying and involve losing these little miracles, my hubs, my animals, and any tragic event that happens on television: could that happen to me? 

i hate that i'm like this. and i know i'll continue to work on not living in fear.  but it's true.  i miss the days when the two of them were alive and my life was play dates, after school snacks, too long of days, tiny nightmares and whether my brothers and i would be forced to play monopoly the next day instead of watching tv. 

*************

day 13: issue a public apology 

dear mom, 

you always taught me never to say 'hate.'  It was too strong of a word and could really hurt someone you would say.  well, remember that time, the only time, when i was young and emotional, hormonal and dramatic? it was about a year before you died and you made me get off the phone, and grounded me for something else.  basically we had a bad day all together, and i was, probably very deserving of it, getting into quite a bit of trouble.  well, yeah, i yelled down the hall at you right before i slammed my bedroom door and i told you i hated you. remember that?  

i'm so sorry mom. i'm so sorry for the harsh words. i didn't mean them and i wish so badly i could take them back.  no excuses, no butts, no extra angry words, no trying to get out of it...just a simple, i am deeply, genuinely, utterly sorry. 

i'm so sorry for hurting you mom. 

love,

jaclyn

************

and finally, day 14:: 10 things that make me really happy! 

1.) my daughters, Svea & Maelyn. their giggles, their cries, their constantly moving feet, their smiles. their eyes. their little fingers and toes and ears. their sweet noses. their observing and taking in every single thing around them. i haven't felt this much joy since i was 12. i am living my dream.

2.) my dogs, Eve & Ivy.  eve - my soul mate.  my bestest friend. my loyal companion, strong willed and tenacious girl.  she keeps me going every day.  Ivy, my snuggler, my lover, my sweet and ridiculously smart lady. my walking buddy. she teaches and re-teaches me about unconditional love day in and day out. 

ivy

eve

3.) iced chais.  i used to drink the ones from Starbucks: iced grande, seven-pump, non-fat, easy ice chai please. yikes. and then i got gestational diabetes when i was pregnant.  and then the babies didn't like dairy when i was nursing.  so i found this organic & natural chai and combined it with almond milk. just a 50/50 ratio in my cup filled with ice; top it with a little cinnamon and this girl is a happy camper.  the babies don't seem to mind it. and i am smiling after my first sip. yes, i'm being serious. 

4.) exercise.  i wish i didn't love it. and i wish i didn't need it.  but i do. and i love even more, how i feel after it.  whether it's a stroll, a brisk walk, a run, yoga, or an exercise class -- my brain is on a high when i am done and i can't live without it. period.  it makes me a better person.

5.) my cats, Willow, Patience & Harley. i love, Love, LOVE my cats.  i wish cats in general had a better reputation, cuz they rock. come meet them someday, you'll fall in love, i promise.  and to be honest, i should say i am obsessed with animals in general. i could go on and on about this one.  but i'll save you the weepiness. let's just say: i typically like animals more than humans (though mommy-hood is giving me a more compassionate heart towards humans) and i will fight to the death to protect animals of all shapes and sizes.  i wish humans weren't invading their land. and i hope to give millions to organizations out to save them & their natural habitat one day.  i dream big for them, and i won't ever stop. 

patience

willow (left) & harley (right)

6.) good music playing in the background while yummy candles are burning.  unless it's 80 degrees outside, then skip the candles. 

7.) green grass, blue skies, bright flowers, crystal water & white waves.  

8.) new cookbooks, kitchen appliances, dishes and anything that makes my kitchen cheery & bright. 

9.) cute postage stamps, hand written cards, letters and notes. i love writing them, but i also love opening my mailbox and getting them too. :) 

10.) soft, fuzzy, baby-worthy big people blankets. squishy, velvety and warm blankets.

day 11: 10 words

Sell yourself in 10 words or less --- eek! i hate doing this.

okay, only because i committed to this daily thing.  please know i am the least vane person out there. seriously.

forgiving // compassionate // organized // hopeful // dreamer // loyal // honest // authentic // quirky // growing

and just for fun, 4 girls that make me a better person::

day 9 :: a moment in my day

i can't pick just one.

these Spring days that have showered us with sunshine, warmth, blooming flowers, sun-kissed shoulders, green grasses and energy we've been longing for, are so filled with joy that i have to share a few of my moments that have my heart strings dancing around like hummingbirds near sweet nectar.

i can't help it.  this spring is probably my favorite so far.  and i have these two to thank.

 we started the morning with a quiet sunday drive up & down the gorgeously green-lined streets, where everyone still slept. 

then we came back home to play & find our feet. . . 

and practice sitting up . . . 

we took a long walk where the fresh air either made us really giddy or fall fast asleep . . . 

and we ended our perfect day playing outside on our porch & drooled with glee. 

this girl keeps taking my breath away 

and this girl makes my heart want to burst wide open.

i am blessed.  and i am savoring every moment of this season of my life. 

day 8: my little piece of advice, or what i like to call: encouragement

when i read this post, it sunk in pretty deep.
write!
for crying out loud, jaclyn, start writing and stop putting it off. write every.single.day. just start.  and don't worry about the details. it is your heart and your mind and your soul.  you want to do it. so why don't you?

you think about it one thousand times a day.  you talk about it. you dream about it.  and start ten thousand posts and then push 'save' instead of 'publish.'

but because you are so afraid of not being good enough, or worthy enough,
because you are afraid to speak your mind and 'offend' someone,
because you are afraid of making it sound like you are feeling sorry for yourself or like a victim,  because you are afraid of being talked about negatively,
because of all of your fears, . . . you deny yourself your passion.

and a little bit of your heart stays stagnant and holed up.  a little bit of who you truly are --- stays hidden from the world.  and you never get an opportunity to see what God really wants to do with your passion.

i mean, isn't it He who forms the desires of your heart anyway?  so why rob Him of what He will and can do with your words?  why not let go and let the words flow and trust that His-story will be told and He will use you for the glory of Him?
trust jaclyn.

just trust.

let go.
give it a try.
count your blessings.
be thankful.
and live a life that you are proud of....
live a life bringing honor to your God, making Him proud, sharing a bit of your love ...
and see where it brings you.

because if i remember correctly, i want this to be the way i live.  i want to be proud of using what He gave me and i don't want to have a single regret.  i want to live fully and purposefully.

so thank you, jenni.  thank you for this challenge.  and though i am 8 days late at starting...i've committed to this daily writing journey and i'm excited what God is going to do with it.

so today, my piece of advice is this:  do what YOU love doing.  even if it scares you.  and though that is very cliche....ask yourself why you are not doing something you love doing, even in part.  Ask yourself what it is that scares you and then ask God to calm that fear and bless you with the courage to take a step forward into your dream and your passion.  

and then see the prayer be answered.  even in baby steps.  . . .
it's amazing to see what He can and will do.

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