and most people dwell on the celebratory ones. the ones that bring a bit of happiness, joy and peace. the 'other' ones, the ones that remind us of our sorrow and pain are what most people try to forget.
for me, however, those are the ones that my heart never seems to let go of. i am still trying to figure out why i dwell in them, but i do.
i think there is a part of me that remembers that april 9, 1992, my beautiful and young (42) years old mother lost her life to a 51 day battle with melanoma (skin cancer). and it's not that i remember april 9 as the day she died. but it is that i remember april 9 as the last day she was my mother on this earth. the day i long to re-visit to see her one last time, to touch her gentle and skinny hands, to see her smile at me with her bashful eyes and squeeze my hand telling me that she loves me until eternity. it's the day that every april, reminds me that i do not have a mother. and it's also the day that reminds me i cannot wait to see her again.
or february 23rd - her birthday. the day we should be celebrating, but have recently begun grieving. it's the day that my older brother, my selfless and most loving, giving and thoughtful brother decided to end his life. on his mom's birthday too. so now, i struggle that day each february. i struggle because i feel so torn: do i celebrate the day my mom came into this world and was gifted to her family? or, do i mourn the loss of my older, wiser and deeply loved brother? do i have a cake that says: happy birthday mom, you suck jay?
i know, it's terrible to be mad that day. but i find myself that way. i find myself not mad at my brother for ending his life (that actually i find myself aching and weeping and filled with sorrow for), but i find myself thinking, seriously jay? you chose her freakin birthday to do this? now what am i gonna do?
i find myself saying to him, jay, you and i, we were a team. we got it. we missed her together. she was our mom. we both longed for her. together. you were my confidant. and now i'm alone on this one. yeah, josh is still here. but he was so young. and he didn't know her like you and i did. he didn't even miss her like you and i did....or at least not yet. and now her birthday is tainted with a memory that i lost another loved one instead of rockin the cake and her favorite daffodils and singing you are my sunshine out-loud like she used to do.
until recently.
recently i began to view that date as a special date. as a day that kills two birds with one stone. a day that i can be thankful for instead of having an additional day to worry about. i can celebrate my mom's day she was gifted life way back when and celebrate the life jason lived. i don't really have to dread that day at all if i don't want to. i can just take it as a day where i make it about both of them. i bake a cake. i buy pepsi. i find a bouquet of daffodils. i play jason's favorite cd, or movie. i celebrate both of them. and the lives they lived. the beautifulness they brought into mine. the smiles that spread across both their faces that could light up a room and make all your fears of loneliness go away.
and i could dream of the day when i would see them again. knowing, feeling, that squeal of excitement as they welcome me too into the gates of heaven and we are joined together again as a whole family.
i. can't. wait!
now, what to do about that stupid april 9th day? the day that i remember as the day my mom went home to our Lord and left me to fend for myself on this earth. the day that doesn't have a gift of celebration in it to force my brain out of the feeling sorry for myself mode and into the gratitude mode.
well, the day that didn't have that gift . . . until recently.
when another miracle happened.
another gift of grace.
from the one who knows every detail of my thoughts and has collected every teardrop i have shed. the one who has never let go of my hand as i have wept through countless nights and screamed in my car. the one who sat with me silently as i questioned why a God like him would take so much from me or why a God who loves everybody else seems to have forgotten to love me? That guy.
you know the one, right?
The one I love and adore and question and battle with and throw tantrums to and sing praises to? The one whom which I cannot hide, yet the one i turn to when i want to run away from the rest of the world?
yeah, Him.
He gave me another gift. a gift of a date. a date originally filled with pain and longing. he turned into a miracle date. for His perfect and divine and flawless timing. His timing.
i am still in awe.
you see, we have been going through fertility struggles for almost seven years now. a roller coaster of years filled with hoping, dreaming, crying, weeping, longing, wondering, questioning, not knowing, asking, begging, pleading, and clinging to becoming parents.
thousands of dollars worth of tests.
with no concrete answers.
thousands of needles and exposure and uncomfortable positions.
hundreds of months of disappointment and then hopefulness again.
we became foster parents in hopes to adopt. we said hello to three little lives and goodbye again.
we learned about abraham's faith. and the gift of a child actually being just that: a gift. not mine. not alan's. not even ours. we did not make or create this child. He did. it is His child. His creation . . . and ultimately His gift.
and if He has a better path for them, then we must obey. so we obeyed. and wept all over again. and said goodbye.
and peeled our hearts back off of the pavement and brushed off our dust and said to each other, what shall we pray for now?
and our prayers became that of: Lord, make the desires of your heart for our lives, our desires. Take away our selfish wants, give us a peace that we will one day understand, and heal the wounds that expose themselves currently as we focus on what our next phase of this journey of life together, as a couple, will be. help us, Oh God, to see your will. not ours. amen. ><>
and the story unfolded.
things fell into place.
miracles happened.
money was available.
insurance stepped up their game.
timing of dr. appointments and consultations and processes became available and open to us.
and we started an official round of IVF.
and then stopped it again, due to a cyst found on my ovary.
which miraculously dissolved itself within a month.
and we moved forward.
again.
and the needles entered into my stomach daily and then my bum.
and the compromising positions were revisited with all to see.
eggs were retrieved.
and introduced to their companions from my handsome hubster.
and brought back home.
and we waited.
and waited.
and waited again.
until the day they called to tell us that we should come in to get a blood test to see if everything had taken. and to know if we were pregnant.
april 9, 2012.
nobody knew the significance of that date except for a few friends, me and the good Lord himself.
nobody.
not the doctors. or nurses. or staff at the IVF clinic.
they didn't know that the simple act of finding a cyst that would delay us in timing of everything, was actually God's perfect hand guiding the whole process along.
For His purposes. and His date.
they didn't know that my longing for my own mother had created a longing to become a mother that lay so deep within my soul that sometimes felt like a dream that would never ever exist.
they didn't know that i needed a gift on april 9th to take away the memory of loss and remind me of the gifts of life that come with it as well.
they didn't know that though for most february 23rd would have been a dreaded day, God gave it to me as a gift of life to remember. two dates in one. two significant, life changing, tears shed, miracle filled gifts in one day.
they did not have a clue that april 9th needed to be our day, my day. they had no idea that they would be scheduling a miracle on a day that lay deep within my soul for over 20 years.
zero idea.
the outcome would mean more to me than the celebration of life created and growing inside of my once barren womb. the outcome would mean:
that God loved me too.
that He never, ever, not for a second, not even when i frustrated Him, not when i told Him to just take me too, not once, did He leave my side or let go of my hand.
He created this story. His-story. my life. for His purpose.
And He was gonna open my eyes to a sight i had longed to see.
a purpose.
and He did just that.
at 11:03am on april 9th, the day 20 years ago, i said goodbye to my earthly mother, we were gifted life.
we were told:
you are pregnant!!
that was a day that i witnessed a miracle.
my miracle.
my life . . .
God's miracle.
thank you, dear Lord, for never letting go of my hand. thank you for taking a day that i remember as saying goodbye to my mother and making it a gift to me and the miracle of becoming one myself. thank you for reminding me that my life has a purpose of good. that all the tears wept and sorrow days walked have a purpose for your good. thank you for proving your sovereignty and showing me that your master hands are in control. and that you not only love all of the world, but me too. thank you for that. thank you for loving me, and never letting me go. and thank you, for the unbelievable gift of becoming a mom. the journey has been worth it. and i simply cannot wait for whatever else you have in store for me! i love you deeply O Lord. so very deeply. thank you.
love, jac ><>
