dear mom,

i am missing you tonight. 

i am sitting here, on my bed, surrounded by my awesome dogs, a fluffy cat (the other two are spooning themselves by my bedroom door) and my Mr. as he plays on his ipad. 

i am surrounded in love, and yet . . . i am feeling a little bit alone. 

and missing you. 

so i thought i'd write you a letter. because i know you'll read it. or maybe feel it. or maybe both. but it will be sent to you. through cyberspace . . . 

into the ginormous universe we live in . . . . . 

. . . and hopefully, all the way through the gates of heaven where life is probably pretty grande for you. 

i am happy for that i hope you know. 

seriously.

truly.

genuinely at peace and ecstatic that you are in the best place one could ever be. 

and on tough days.... maybe a little jealous too. 

just sayin. 

anyway, back to what i wanted to tell you. or talk through with you. or at least pretend to process with you. because it's what makes me feel better.  even if others call me crazy - - - it's therapeutic for me to pretend to talk to you. 

there was a day not long ago that I realized I’ve lived more of my life without you – than with you. can you believe that?  you died 10 days prior to my 13th birthday. 

i am now 32.  

wowza.

and even though there are days that feel like you've been gone forever,  there are others that are hard to fathom you've been gone that long at all. 

i still have those days when i ache more than i ever have because i miss you so dang much. 

and ache doesn't even describe the intensity of missing you to be honest. 

why is that do you think? why does my heart grow so heavy some days i feel like i could sob myself into a fetal position and just wale until someone forced me into reality? 

some days, like today, i just long for the ability to call you and talk to you and have you tell me so many things that i, a 32 year old woman, still need to hear.  sometimes, i just want you to come over to my house, to annoy me, pester me about anything and just be near me. 

sometimes, or today, i just need my mom.

it's weird ya know.  there are days when i find myself thankful for your death.  not thankful for losing you - - but thankful for what your death has taught me. continues to teach me. please don't misunderstand me mom. i would do anything to have you back with me on this planet earth. i would. 

but never in a million years would i give back my lessons learned from the loss of your life. 

i wouldn't. 

because you see, your death opened up a part of my heart that i think may have stayed,...

protected, or locked, or just tucked deep inside until life forced it to open up. the sucky part of life that is. 

the part of life that teaches us about: preciousness. and how short life is.  and what should really matter. and how quickly it can go.  or most of all: how it's not in my or yours or anyone else's control really. 

except mr. G man of course. Thou Holy, Heavenly father, God himself. it's in His hands really, thankfully.

and i am reminded of everything that i used to, (innocently enough) take for granted.  like how your eyes would get really bright and wide and your mouth would open when you would laugh or smile really big. 

how your hands were so long and thin and soft.  and how you always loved to play with my hair, or tickle my back. 

or when i would get so jealous of josh every night you would sing you are my sunshine to him while you & he did the dinner dishes and i used to wish upon a star you would sing that song to me . . . and now, 

. . . now i just wish i could hear you simply sing it. 

to whomever. 

you leaving changed me mom.  jealousy isn't there like it used to be. and when i do get jealous, i remind myself to just see the gift being given to that other person. i am not missing out. i am getting a chance to observe life's greatest moments given to someone else. which really means: i am getting a gift as well. 

thank you for that gift.  that daily reminder. 

that "ah-ha." 

and maybe that is what i needed to work out with you tonight. my "ah-ha" for the day.  my reminder of a gift you continue to give me through your loss. or shall i say, a reminder of hundreds of gifts i am continually given through your loss. 

and though i wish you were here, in front of me, to work this out and look at me, and touch me with your soft hands, and tell me you still love me despite my current 'jealousy' feelings . . . 

i am thankful you are still teaching me. 

because i am still learning mom.  

i always will be. 

and i'll keep looking to you as i work through some of these things, k?  

because i still need you. 

and your gifts. 

i always will. because you're my mom. 

....even if you are in heaven. 

love you mom. miss you much.

xo